


Unlucky

by softlybarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-01-07 00:38:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 59,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12222195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlybarnes/pseuds/softlybarnes
Summary: Bucky downloads a dating app at the insistence of his friends.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ❤️❤️❤️

Bucky Barnes is never trusting his friends again. The metal and glass object in his hand seems to be the most menacing thing he’s ever encountered.

It’s only his phone, he tells himself. Natasha is leaning over the back of the couch walking him through the finer points of an app he was just coerced into downloading.

Steve sits beside him, looking a little skeptical but happy. “So that’s pretty much it,” Nat finishes up, patting Bucky’s shoulder lightly. “Any questions?”

“Why do I have to do this?”

“You said you wanted to meet people Buck!” Steve exclaims.

He clicks out of the dating app and sighs. “Yeah, I do.”

“But…?” Nat prompts.

Bucky throws his phone down on the couch and groans. “But I’m…me. The agents here are afraid of me. How is someone normal going to want to…” To do what? Date him? Talk to him? Love him? It’s a fucking dating app, how much could he really expect?

All he knows is that he wants a person.

“Bucky look,” Steve starts, “You’re a great guy. You’ve been through a lot and you’ve improved so much. The trigger words are gone, the anxiety and PTSD and depression are under control. You’re doing really well and it’s okay to want this.”

He opens his mouth to disagree when Nat says, “ _And_ I set up your profile so no one will know you used to be the Winter Soldier. Your name is James on the app, your profile picture is recent so no one will recognize you with the short hair.”

“So I lie to them. And then what? I mean I-,”

“You get to know them. And then if you feel comfortable you tell them. They can’t talk to you unless you like them back on the app anyways so what do you have to lose?”

He doesn’t know if that makes him feel better or worse. So he gets up and grabs his phone. Nat and Steve glance at each other worriedly. “Look, James,” Natasha says, “don’t do anything you don’t want to.” She purses her lips, “It’s just an option.”

With that Bucky walks away, feeling thoroughly discouraged about the whole thing.

 

~

 

Later that night he’s lying in bed staring at the app. He hasn’t opened it. It’s almost intimidating to him. He swallows hard and locks his phone again. Who would have thought an app could give someone so much anxiety?

He’s had another sleepless night.

It would be easier, maybe, to get to know some more of the agents, but that didn’t work out so well the first time.  

He had been friends with the woman who worked downstairs for some time and although he really didn’t have romantic feelings for her he thought he might ask her on a date. Just to try it out, just to try and be normal. Only to find out she had only been kind to him because she was terrified of him. Even worse had been the horror on her face at the prospect of a date with the Winter Soldier.

It had hurt him more than he thought possible. It felt a little like his chest was caving in.

But now, a few weeks later, and with a lot of deliberation, he had decided he didn’t much want to date an agent anyways, especially one who was afraid of him. He wants a normal person, someone who can remind him of what it means to be a _person_ in the first place. Somedays he has a hard time remembering how to _be_ a person.

And so he had asked Natasha. Which was a bad idea as she didn’t exactly have the opportunity to meet normal people either. So, the dating app.

He takes a deep breath and starts swiping.

A few days later Bucky has swiped left on every single person’s profile. He hasn’t given one swipe right. Nat is starting to hound him about it and he wants to swipe right on someone soon before she explodes and then Tony finds out about Bucky being on a dating app.  

Sam is currently harassing him about it and he thinks Tony will only make it worse. He swipes left on two more people when her picture pops up.

“She’s pretty, Barnes. What about her?” Sam asks from beside him.

Bucky reads her bio. She’s normal. She likes coffee and reading. She has two dogs and hates to exercise but likes to dance. And she’s looking for something serious. And he supposes really that’s what this is all about…that he wants a relationship, the possibility of romantic love. But how could someone love him? Is he supposed to lie to her, like Natasha suggested? Only to get his heart broken when she shoved him away when he finally tells her the truth?

His thumb hovers and then he sighs and stops. “What is it, Barnes? Seems like she might be a good match.” Sam asks, hovering uncomfortably close.

Bucky shakes his head. “No.”

“What! C’mon man I saw the way your face changed! Just try it. She might not have even liked your ugly ass back.”

“Yeah,” his voice is soft as he stares at her picture, her smile bright and beautiful. “Why would she have liked me back?”

And Sam could smack himself. He knows Barnes self-confidence isn’t all that high. And it was only fun to mess with him if he was giving it back.

“Hey man, c’mon, I didn’t mean it like that.” Sam says scooting closer on the couch. “Just like her. It can’t hurt.” And when Bucky hesitates he grabs the phone from his hands and swipes right for him. Sam smirks and hands it back. “There, got the ball rollin’. Now like some other cuties too.”

With that Sam leaves and Bucky is left staring at his screen in horror. Because written across the screen are the words: It’s a match! You and Y/N have liked each other.

Bucky clicks out of the app quickly and turns off the notifications, his heartbeat thundering in his ears. Panic is threatening to eat him up. What if she messages him?

 

~

 

For two days after that Bucky checks the app compulsively, not swiping at all on anyone else’s profiles. He knows he isn’t meant to take the site this serious but he can’t seem to help it. Until one morning there’s a message from Y/N.

And somehow it’s easy to reply. Maybe it’s because she isn’t pushy, maybe it’s because it’s easier to have a conversation online, maybe it’s because she’s funny and kind.

Whatever it is he finds himself talking to her almost constantly. She’s blissfully normal, and still manages to be extraordinary. Sam tells him that this isn’t how you’re supposed to use a dating app but Bucky really doesn’t much care. He likes it just fine the way it is and can’t be coerced into looking at more profiles.

It goes on for weeks and weeks and then one morning he wakes up to her usual good morning message but also an invitation to come out and get coffee with her.

And it just so happens that they have a mission that day. But he knows that even if they hadn’t he would have said no. He’s too nervous and he’d mess it up anyways and so he says no without much of an explanation and goes on the mission.

He’s miserable the entire time and when he comes home it isn’t the same.

Y/N doesn’t message him back as often and when she does her replies are short. She doesn’t share with him anymore, about her dogs, or her day, or annoying neighbors.

And then one day the messages stop.

 

~

 

“Why don’t you ask her out then?”

Once again everyone is gathered to have a meeting about Bucky’s love life. Bucky sits sullen and silent in the loveseat in the corner of the room, arms crossed over his chest. “Because she probably figured out who I-,”

“No she didn’t!” Natasha huffs out, irritated with Bucky’s obstinacy. “You said no to her without any sort of explanation or excuse so she probably thinks you were leading her on. Or catfishing her.”

“Catfishing her?” Steve asks, baffled. Sam leans over and explains it quickly as Nat tries bullying Bucky into messaging Y/N.

When the arguing continues and no one seems ready to give up, Bucky stands and throws his hands up. “Fine. I’ll message her. And when nothing happens you can all shut the fuck up about it.” He marches to his room and slams the door so hard a crack appears in the wall. He can already hear Tony’s complaining.

He types out a quick message.

_Haven’t heard from you in some time. I miss hearing from you. Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?_

Bucky quickly erases the message. Maybe it was a little desperate. He doesn’t want Y/N thinking he’s weird or obsessed. But then again, what did it fucking matter? She’s probably terrified of him and wouldn’t reply anyways.

Still, he types a new message.

_Dinner?_

It only takes her a second to reply.

_I would love to! When?_

He’s never going to hear the end of it from the team. A smiles tugs at his lips. He finds he doesn’t care. And then the anxiety settles in…she said _yes_.

 

~

 

“James?” He turns, tugging on the collar and tie that is suddenly too damn tight, hating the suit that Nat had picked out for him. She’s radiant and smiling widely at him. “It’s you! It’s good to finally meet you in person!”

For a moment all he can do is stare, before he remember his manners and quickly stands. “Y/N! Y-yeah. It’s good to uh, to…” he trails off, completely distracted. She smiles and waits, giggling a little. “I, uh, it’s good to see y-you too.”

Clumsily and cursing himself, he walks her around the table and pulls out her chair. He’s _never_ fucking clumsy. She sits and glances around the restaurant with wide eyes. “I’ve never been to this place.” She says as he sits back down.

“Me either,” he mumbles, staring down at the table, wondering when he got so bad at this.

He misses her smirk as she says, “You’ve got some fancy tastes. I’m not sure I fit in here.” Bucky mentally curses Stark and his forced choice of restaurant. But he can’t say that and panics a bit until she laughs. “Relax. I’m just kidding.”

Silence settles and in the space of that silence he starts to panic again _because what is supposed to fucking say_?

Luckily Y/N seems to know what to say, or rather how to makes someone feel less awkward, as she starts chattering at him. She talks about her day and her dogs and it’s just like all the conversations over message. He starts to relax and contribute. He really likes her, likes her energy and quick wit.

Halfway through dinner and it’s like they’re old friends. It’s easy and good and Bucky thinks she looks more and more beautiful as the night wears on. Leaning close she whispers, “Wanna blow this popsicle stand? I know a great coffee place. And the guy that works there might give us a little something extra in our cups if we want….”

Bucky doesn’t have to be convinced as he reaches for his wallet, pays for their half-eaten food, and rises from the table. He offers her his arm, which she takes graciously and with a small bow. “Much better right?” she says in the cool winter air outside the restaurant.

“Yeah.”

She laughs loudly and drags him down the street by the arm. Y/N lets go to do a little spin before him. “Do you dance?”

“I used to.”

“Would you dance with me?” She smiles slyly and bounces on her toes, high heels tapping against the pavement. Her dress is all black. The top a fitted lace material while the skirt flowed from her waist and stopped a little above her knee. Her legs seem to go on for miles in those heels.

But her hair is a wild mess and her eyes sparkle and that’s the best part of her. Her sparking eyes and wild hair. And so he takes her hand and says, “I’d dance with a beautiful girl like you every day of the week.”

They dance down the sidewalk, drawing some curious looks. Mostly people ignore them because stranger things have happened in New York. Soon though she leads them to a coffee bar, chattering animatedly about her sister and holding his flesh hand. Y/N hadn’t mentioned his glove covered hand at all and for that he’s grateful.

The man behind the counter greets Y/N like an old friend before his eyes slide to Bucky. “Oooo. Another online date I see? How many is this now, Y/N?”

 _Another_. Suddenly everything seems less real, less special, less like he might begin to mean something to this girl. If she did this with all her dates…

“Hush, Josh. Honestly, you’ll scare him off!” She turns to him with a blinding smile and says, “Are you a whiskey man?”

“Sure, doll,” he says quietly, with a soft smile.

She beams again. “Great!”

So Bucky gets his coffee mixed with whiskey and Y/N gets hers mixed with vodka. She says it tastes horrible but that she loves it. Soon she’s a little tipsy but stops herself drinking more. “I don’t want you to think I’m some sloppy drunk,” she tells him as she pulls him out the door. “I really like you, y’know? We have some good conversations, though you’re chattier online. I always looked forward to your messages and then you said no to me and I thought it better to stop messaging you before I got attached. But then you asked me to dinner!”

“Sorry,” he says immediately. “I’m nervous and-,”

“It’s okay.” She smiles again, “I know. But I think it worked out well. Most people find me…intense. Too much, some might say.”

He shakes his head, “I don’t think so, doll.”

“Aw, thanks. Why aren’t you a little tipsy?”

“Well I’m bigger than you.”

“Wow,” she deadpans. “You really know how to make a girl feel good.” Before he can start stuttering at her again, she laughs and pulls him after her. “Let’s go roam around. I love the city at night. If you have nowhere else to be?”

His heart feels like mush as he nods at her, “I’ll follow you.”

They traipse around the city, eating street food and making fun of tourists and stealing drinks where they can. Y/N is free-spirited and a lot of fun. She laughs easily and is quick to joke with him and anyone that happens to talk to them on their adventure through the city. Her hand hardly ever strays from his and Bucky finds she’s whip smart.

He likes her voice, filling up silences when necessary.

But when a silence settles over them on a dark street it isn’t awkward. Bucky feels comfortable with her as she wiggles down the street in those heels that make her legs look like they came straight from god. He wants to kiss the smooth skin of her thighs, to bite it too and bruise the flesh just a little.

She stops under a flickering neon sign. “Well, this is me.” It’s so different from the Tower, living above a 24 hour Chinese restaurant. “Not much but just enough for me.” She says as though daring him to comment on it.

He shakes his head, doesn’t want the night to end, even though _night_ ended long ago. It’s nearly 5 in the morning. And so he says, “Maybe I could come up?”

Y/N stares at him for a second before her face drops and she shrinks in on herself. “Oh…no, um, I’m not really looking for that. Sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on. But I’m kinda looking for someone who will call me again.”

“Y/N, doll,” he says, panic in his voice. “That’s not what I meant. I want to call you again. I want to call you right now and I’m with you. I just…I’ve never met someone like you. I don’t want this to end.”

“Oh,” she says, still a little suspicious. She fidgets with his tie that has somehow come to be loosely around her neck along with his suit jacket which he had draped over her shoulders when she started to shiver in the cold air earlier.

Bucky leans forward and takes her hand, pulling her close with a sudden surge of confidence. “Can I kiss you? And then if you want, baby, I’ll leave ya right here and call you in a few hours and beg ya to come out again.”

A smiles lights her face, “Kiss me.”

When their lips touch he’s sure he never wants to lose this feeling. Her lips are soft and mold to his as though they’re made to fit perfectly against his. “Come upstairs.”

“Are you sure?”

“Fuck it. I’m young. I really want you to call me though.”

“Won’t have to if I’m still here,” he murmurs as he brushes his nose against hers. "But I will."

She laughs loudly and pulls him toward the door that leads to her stairwell. But as soon as they get upstairs Y/N pulls out another bottle of wine and they end up on her bed, legs dangling off the end as the watch the sun rise out her window. They talk and talk and talk, wine disappearing little by little, until the sun has fully risen in the winter sky.

Only then do his hands start to wander and their kisses turn heavier and more passionate. She doesn’t ask when he doesn’t take his shirt off or the glove. Bucky thinks he might have fallen in love with the girl as he brushes his fingers over her nipples as she rides him, the morning sun making a halo behind her head.

Her eyes roll back as she moans his name. “James,” comes the soft sigh, over and over and over. He definitely loves her. She slumps next to him after they come, pliant and trusting, sleep over taking her. Bucky stays put, a smile tugging on his mouth before he too falls asleep.

 

~

 

Y/N wakes around noon and marvels that James is still there. Despite his declarations of feeling something mores and promises to call again she had still expected him to disappear while she slept. Pushing the bangs of his short hair away from his face, she smiles and sits up, bare-chested and happy.

She picks up her phone and sees a message from a friend. _Is this you????_

Attached are two pictures with the caption: _Winter Soldier looking for love?_

There’s a picture of her and James last night. Beside that is a picture of the long-haired Winter Soldier. A shocking resemblance really.

She looks at the man next to her and slowly reaches over to lift the left sleeve of his white button up. Metal. A metal arm.

Y/N gasps and looks to his face again. He’s awake and panic is written over his features. “No. Y/N. Please-,”

Her breath comes in a shaky gasp as Bucky sits up. "You're the Winter Soldier?" She covers herself with the sheet, leaning away from him.

Bucky can only hang his head in defeat. He'll never get a chance to explain anything to her now like Natasha predicted he would be able to. 

Why is he so unlucky? 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting the response the first chapter got. Some people were very upset with the ending lol so here's a more satisfying end. Thank you for the response! I love you guys and I hope you like this part. 
> 
> <3

Silence hangs heavy in the space between them. Y/N doesn’t know what to do. She’s alarmed to say the least, that this person is in her bed, that she’d slept with him when he’d committed atrocities.

Something tells her to bolt, to run into the street and scream for help. To call someone, anyone, and beg them to please come get her, that there’s a killer in her bed.

But something else, something more powerful, is telling her to reach out and comfort him. Because last night, and that morning, had been the best date of her life. She’s never felt such a connection before, never met someone so fond of her and so willing to abandon set plans to run all around a city in the dead of winter. Y/N’s never had such a careful lover either, someone set on making her feel good. She remembers his talented mouth against her skin, against her heat.

It seems silly, but she’s never had someone hold her hand the way he had either. As though she’s fragile and precious, and really it hadn’t been so much hand holding as it had been James cradling her hand. She’s never had someone laugh at her jokes the way he did. Or smile at her _that_ way, like she’s something amazing and unbelievable. Y/N’s never had a date that indulged every little thing, who was ready to stay out all night and didn't have to be completely hammered to do so. 

Protective too, she thinks. He had been ready to dive in front of her for any small thing, defended her when she was catcalled or when someone had gotten too close for comfort. A gentleman, then, and not someone to fear.

Y/N let’s her sheet drop and gets out of bed, putting on a pair of shorts and a hoodie. In that time Bucky’s hastily put on his boxers and has his trousers in his hands when she steps in front of him. “I don’t want you to go,” she says softly. He stops, distracted and confused by her words, as she pulls his pants out of his hands. “Sit,” she says, voice soft. To Bucky though it sounds like a hard command, because that is what he’s expecting. This person he thinks he might have fallen in love with in mere hours now must hate him. She must think him disgusting, vile. He is expecting the worst, his world quickly spiraling out of control in his mind.

He sits. Y/N’s reaches out to unbutton his shirt when he flinches away from her hand, head snapping to the side to protect his face. He cringes hard, waiting for the blow.

Her heart freezes in her chest as she takes his chin gently in her hand, turning his face her. “Did you think I would hit you?”

Bucky’s breathing is uneven, eyes wide. “People…don’t have the best reaction to me. I thought…I lied to you, you must be angry. You hate me for what I am, what I’ve done.”

“No,” her voice is a soft coo. “I don’t hate you. I’m surprised. You’re not as I imagined the Winter Soldier would be.” Her hands slide to the front of his shirt, fingers deftly unbuttoning it.

His lets out a harsh breath when her fingers trace over the planes of his chest as she stands between his knees. “It’s because I’m…not… _him_. And it’s hard to explain and I’m sorry I lied. I just wanted a normal date, a normal time out. Maybe that was stupid of me.”

Y/N shakes her head. “It's not stupid and you didn’t lie. Omitted some things from your profile I’ll admit, but everyone does that. It’s understandable. I imagine ‘brainwashed ex-Soviet assassin’ doesn’t get you many dates, especially normal ones. Even though you’re a _really_ fun date, by the way.”

Finally reaching the last button she pushes the shirt off of his shoulders. Bucky suddenly wishes he had his long hair back. Then, at least, he would have something to hide behind. But Y/N just sits to his right and whispers, “Wow.” Having pulled off the glove too, he's completely exposed to her. He doesn’t know what that huffed ‘wow’ is supposed to mean.

But, because he’s Bucky, he takes it negatively. He immediately thinks she's looking at his arm. “I know. It’s fucking horrible. Just…please just let me go. I’ll never bother you again. I just…I don’t think I can take the humiliation at the moment.” He’s still half waiting for her to reach out and slap him.

“Humiliation?” She wraps her fingers around his flesh bicep and traces the veins on the inside of his forearm. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on!” And then, tracing her fingers along his thigh she says, “I was hoping you’d call again. I was hoping you'd stay.”

Hardly daring to believe it he whispers, “I'll stay. I’ll call you every day if you want me to.” And then, a little confusedly, he asks, “Y/N…what are you thinking? About me? I...you can't want me...care about me?”

“I do. I'm thinking maybe what happened wasn't your fault, that what you did wasn't exactly you. Not _you,_ you anyways. I’m thinking that I had the best date of my life last night and that I don't want it to end and that I really wanted to have sex with you again today and that you’re right. You aren’t the Winter Soldier, are you?”

Bucky swallows, a bit of red creeping up his chest, “No. He’s there. Inside. But he’s not me. Not-not anymore.”

She pushes him back onto the bed and crawls onto his lap, straddling his thighs. Her fingers touch the metal of his arm and then the scars littered around his shoulder. “I’m sorry for what happened to you. And I’m sorry for the way I reacted. Especially after you had shown me such a good time.”

Taking a bit of a leap Bucky reaches up and pulls her down for a kiss. “I had a good time too,” he whispers against her mouth. 

Her fingers trail down his chest again and then walk back up. “Wanna have some more good times together?”

“It doesn’t bother you?  _I_ don't bother you?”

“Certainly it was a surprise. But I think I know you a little more intimately than the news or this article I was sent. I like you a lot. You don't bother me.” She kisses him again, and then tilts his head to the side so she can kiss his neck. “You're the opposite of _bothersome._ Would you like to go out with me again?”

Bucky chuckles weakly, not wanting to believe his fortune might’ve changed. “I would. But what about right now?”

Lightly she kisses his temple as she smiles, knowing she's convinced him for the time being, “What about right now? Wanna stay with me?”

“If I turn my phone off I can’t be called back to Avengers Tower. And then I can stay here all day with you.” Bucky looks up at her with curiosity in his eyes, along with hope. He has hope that she might mean what she says. “If you’d like that?”

She smiles widely down at him, “I’d like that a lot.” Y/N leans down and nuzzles his neck as she rolls her hips into his, “I’d even say I’d love that. You were fantastic.”

Again, the red starts spread over his chest. “You too.”

“Aren’t you charming?” She grins and kisses him. “Lucky me. I get you all to myself all day.” She starts to kiss her way down his chest playfully, as a smile overcomes him. "Maybe we just cuddle for now?"

"Mm," he mumbles against her.

For the first time in years Bucky thinks he might be the lucky one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so I know I said *snippets* but I got carried away. Also it turned out a lot smuttier than I originally intended. 
> 
> From here on out these chapters will be random moments in their relationship, and not necessarily always in chronological order. 
> 
> THANK YOU, for reading and encouraging me. It really means a lot. I love you guys <333

“Are you sure about this?” Y/N asks nervously, standing in the doorway to her bedroom, naked and unashamed of that fact.

Bucky looks over and smiles, taking in the elegant curves of her body. “I’m sure, baby. They want to meet my girl.”

They’ve been together a few months now, and she supposes its time.

She twists her fingers together apprehensively. “Alright. But only because you're doing my dishes!” And Bucky is indeed standing at her kitchen sink, up to his elbows in bubbly suds.  Y/N thinks he looks domestic and cute. “You deserve a gift for doing my dishes,” she says suddenly, walking forward to stand at his side, hips swishing with each step. His chest heats as she leans over to kiss his cheek, breasts brushing against his flesh arm. “There. A gift for your services, sir.” She pauses and hums, leaning more fully on his arm. “Maybe you deserve just a _little_ more.”

Grinning like a devil she dips her hand beneath his sweatpants and strokes his cock. “No boxers? Naughty.” She leans forward as if to kiss him again when she pauses and gives a wonton little moan, hot breath fanning over his lips.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he whispers weakly with a small laugh. “You’re tryin’ to distract me so you don’t have to go meet-,”

“No I’m not.” She interrupts, twisting her wrist and tightening her fist around him as she strokes upwards, Bucky hardening in her hand as she smiles mischievously.

Bucky takes his hands out of the water and hastily wipes them on a dishtowel before taking her face between his palms, groaning when she drags her nails lightly against his cock. He kisses her fiercely for a moment before her other hand suddenly swipes bubbles down his cheek. In shock, he pulls back. She just giggles and runs her thumb over the tip of his cock teasingly, quirking an eyebrow at him. Bucky takes her wrist and pulls her hand away from him. “If you got any cuter-,” Instead of finishing his sentence he jabs her in the ribs, a loud laugh erupting from her.

“Bucky Barnes, don’t you dare-!” She’s lost to laughter as Bucky tickles her. Sinking to the ground, Y/N pulls him with her and begs for mercy as he lies flat on his back and pulls her ontop of him, never letting up. “Bucky, please!”

After another minute, he relents and holds her to his chest as her chest heaves with giggling, heavy breaths. The only time he can be like this is with her, silly and free. Her attitude and constant smiling addictive and contagious. “You’re not getting out of this. You need to meet them before they drive me crazy. Steve wants to talk to you. I think Sam wants to question you about me. Natasha wants to take you shopping-,”

She wiggles on top of him, propping herself up on one elbow to look down at him, “But I _so_ like being naked.”

“Well doll, you know I love seeing you naked-,” she thinks the pink tint in his cheeks is adorable. Bucky being flustered is adorable. “-but I think maybe you should wear clothes to meet them.” He smacks her ass lightly, grabbing a handful of the soft flesh.

Y/N sighs dramatically and lies her head on his chest. “If you really want me to.” She sits back up almost immediately with a wicked grin and grinds onto him. “Want me to take care of that for you? I think I may have gotten you a little excited.”

Bucky only stares up at her, hands on her hips, fondness in his eyes. But a frown tugs at Y/N’s lips. “You okay?”

“Yeah…But why don’t you want to meet them? They’re…really they’re my family, doll. Especially Steve.”

“Well,” she starts, digging her fingers into the material of his shirt. “I’m maybe just a _tad_ nervous is all. I’m sorta normal, aren’t I? _Boring,_ even? And you all are superheroes. What if they don’t like me? Then I gotta live the whole rest of my life knowing Earth’s mightiest aren’t exactly fond of me.”

Bucky’s never really seen her nervous before. Her confidence is always high, or at least seemingly so, and it breaks his heart to see her feeling this way now. “They'll love you. Baby-,”

“But then,” she interrupts, eyes lighting up, “I think I must be _pretty_ interesting to have captured the attention of a superhero.”

Bucky feels cold suddenly, blood running icy in his veins. _Superhero_. Maybe he had lied to her. If she thought him a superhero, then something he had done must have convinced her of that fact. And yet he’s coming up blank, can’t think of one single heroic thing he’s ever done.

His heart cracks just a little, doubt flooding him, but he grins up at her and cheekily says, “Oh yeah? I thought you liked _me_ , baby. Which superhero’s attention have you captured, Y/N?” He pats her naked thigh gently.

“Oh, but _Buck_! You are a superhero! I got the best one of the bunch!”

Even though they’re joking around it makes him feel a bit better. He pulls her down and kisses her hard, trying to convey how she makes him feel without having to say it. When her breaths are coming in gasps she pulls away dizzily. “Gotta remember to let a girl breathe, Buck. Not all of us have serum enhanced lungs.” She knocks her forehead against his. “Let’s have sex.” Ever forward she smiles against his lips, pecking a tiny kiss to the corner of his mouth. She likes the way the edges of his mouth look, the funny little upward quirk they do sometimes. 

The delightful blush returns to his cheeks and Y/N finds herself with the need to press a kiss to each one as he stutters out his consent. Everything about the man is soft and lovely and kissable, unfairly adorable. “Y-yes. Y-you want to…right here? On the kitchen floor?”

“Not two days ago you fucked me on the kitchen counter,” she deadpans.

“I’m not complaining but that was spur of the moment,” he mutters, cheeks scarlet at this point.

She strokes her fingers through his short chocolate locks gently, admiring his flushed skin. “Are you saying you won’t make love to me on the floor? That’s a strange standard to have. My new standard is I won’t suck your dick.”

A pitiful whine leaves him as he turns their bodies so they’re lying face to face. Bucky hooks his hand under her knee and pulls her leg over his hip, stroking the smooth skin of her thigh as he grinds his cock against her.

“But you're so good at it. Maybe we wouldn’t have to have so much sex if you didn’t walk around the apartment naked all the time.”

“Are you implying,” she whispers, cradling his jaw between her hands, “that it’s my fault you’re uncomfortably hard all the time? And are you also implying that you don’t like the sex we have?” She wiggles closer, rubbing her bare cunt along his clothed cock. “Because I love having sex with you.”

Bucky groans and grabs her ass, burying his face in her neck, “I’m sayin’, you fuckin’ _tease_ , that we wouldn’t have to have desperate sex on the kitchen floor if you kept your damn hands outta my pants.”

Clear, unhindered laughter breaks from her lips and Bucky has to hide his smile because _god_ does he love her laugh. “You like my hands in your pants,” she accuses. “You especially like it when my hand is on your dick. It’s why you don’t wear boxers when you're here.”

“That’s beside the point,” he grouses, not wanting to admit it _might_ be true.

“Want me to help you out or not?” She asks, waggling her eyebrows at him. “Or would you rather go take care of it yourself? Y’know since you don’t like-,”

He focuses on her again and grins like the cat that ate the canary, and interrupts. “Oh sweetheart, if only you knew just how much I want your help.”

She giggles, “Well c’mon then soldier.”

Really the only thing he can do is jump to his feet and carry her to the bedroom, still with that wide grin on his face, forgetting for the moment about being a superhero.

She’s all giggles when he deposits her on the bed and crawls toward her.

 

~

 

Bucky might be the one with the famed super soldier stamina but Y/N can certainly keep up. He’s struggling to keep his eyes open by the time she’s finished with him, body coated in a light sheen of sweat.

She rolls over lazily and presses her mouth to his shoulder, tongue flicking out to lick his salted skin. “We’re gonna be late.”

“Only because you insisted on trying to mark me.” He meets her eyes, “If a bullet can’t mark me then that pretty mouth of yours certainly can’t.” Y/N had tried in vain to suck a bruise onto his neck, Bucky chuckling when she had growled in frustration.  

Y/N smiles at him and then leans up to kiss his bottom lip lightly. “You gotta give me points for trying, don’t you baby?”

“Suppose I do, love,” he murmurs, eyes drifting from her eyes to her lips and back again. Her eyes are blinking slowly as she tries to keep from falling asleep too. “Maybe we could put off meeting them a few more days?”

She frowns at him as she starts to shiver, sweat drying on her cooling skin. Bucky grabs the duvet from the end of the bed to spread over her. “I thought you wanted me to go-,”

“I do. I do, I _really_ do,” he cuts her off, insecurity threatening to overcome him as he lies back. “It’s important to me. But…darlin’ I’m no hero. I’m not a hero like you said earlier. As soon as you meet the others you’ll realize that. I’m a-a, I’m the _villain_ , baby. None of them say it but it’s true.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” She shimmies closer to him. “Why? I think you’re a hero and that’s all that matters.” Bucky’s hand goes to her thigh when she hooks her leg over his hip. Y/N faces him, staring into his eyes and trying to understand where his head is. “Baby?”

He looks away, drawing her closer and smoothing circles into her low back. “I’m not like them. I never will be. I think you should know that.”

“I-I mean, I didn’t think that you _were_.”

Shame hits him suddenly. Of course she didn’t. Why would she? He _is_ the only one that doesn’t fit the group.  

“Bucky? Baby, I didn’t think you were like the rest of them but that doesn’t mean I think you’re not a hero. You are. But in your own way.” She strokes his cheek gently, strangely serious which isn’t like her at all. “You don’t talk about it to me so I read some things online about what happened to you. And because of that you’re always going to be a different sorta hero. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t one.”

Bucky only grips her tighter, readjusting them so he can bury his nose in her hair. “How did I get so lucky as to find you?”

Quickly, she quips, “Because we’re soulmates, I just know it.” His heart jumps at this declaration, the thought that she might think that true, more than he can process at the moment. “But also, you’re very lucky Tony Stark didn’t find me first because mmm, let me tell you something about that man-,”

With a growl low in his chest he rolls them so he’s hovering over her, “You better be quiet if you know what’s good for you Y/N.”

“There’s my favorite villain!” She says happily as Bucky lowers his mouth to her neck. Y/N yelps when he sinks his teeth into the thin skin of her throat, sucking harshly. Softly then, his tongue darts out to lick over the now sore spot.

When he pulls back he puts his thumb against the spot, gingerly tracing it, “You might not be able to mark me but I can certainly mark you.” He leans down to kiss the spot, “And that’ll be a bruise, babydoll,” he murmurs against her silky skin.

“I’ll wear it proudly,” she says, looking up at him lovingly. “I think we should stay here a while. So I can show you exactly what a hero I think you are.”

He chuckles, “I think that’s a good idea. But tell me, what’s Stark got that I don’t darlin’?”

“Money.”

“You got me there, I suppose.” As he looks down at her he notices the way her chest rises and falls a little fast, he notices the lust in her eyes as they flick rapidly over his arms and chest. “Have I gotten you a little hot and bothered, Y/N?”

She shoves away the duvet from their bodies and wraps her legs around his waist, “Maybe. Maybe I like it when you mark me.”

“You wanna go again, doll? You’re insatiable.”

“It’s how I show my love,” she jokes. But Bucky thinks it’s true, words are mostly hard for both of them when attempting to convey emotion. It’s easier, he thinks, to _show_ her how he feels with his mouth against her skin, his hands running over her flesh. And he’s loved her since the moment he met her, so he can only hope that she might have been expressing her love all along too. “Are you gonna show me?”

Instead of answering he sits back on his knees and reaches toward her bedside table, fingers finding a foil packet to rip open. Y/N’s hand goes to her pussy as she watches him roll the condom on. He pushes her hand away as she says, “Why are you already hard? Someone get off on being possessive?”

He shushes her, laughing alongside her, as he runs his fingers down her slit, finding her entrance. “Wet for me, doll. Do you get off on being possessed?”

“That makes it sound like I’m in the damn Exorcist!”

“The what?”

“Never you mind, you perfectly sheltered old man. We’ll watch it someday soon.” Suddenly she reaches up and pulls him down to her, her mouth is soft against his, almost careful. “Bucky,” her voice is just as careful and so he pays attention, knows what she’s going to say is important. “I need to say it. You are a hero. You are a good man. That’s fact.”

She takes her hands away and murmurs it again against his lips, Bucky interrupting her to kiss her. Eventually though he leans back again, his fingers teasing her clit. “You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.”

He doesn’t let her respond, instead pressing two fingers inside her and curling them expertly against the spot he had agonizingly sought out their first time together. She arches into his hand, mouth opening wide as her eyes clench shut. “Buck…” she sighs as his thumb goes to her clit.

When she comes her thighs shake, which Bucky fucking loves, those perfect legs covered in goosebumps and quivering because of him.

Even dripping wet he’s careful easing into her, letting her walls adjust to his size slowly. She’s starting to recover from her orgasm when he starts to move. “I thought you said you were gonna mark me?”

He huffs out a laugh and pulls out, only to roughly slam back into her, to the hilt, and grind against her. “Patience, sweetheart.”

“You shit. I don’t have any and we both know it.”

Y/N meets his hips thrust for thrust, both quiet except for soft grunts and low groans. “You just want my mouth on your skin don’t you babydoll?”

She doesn’t deny it, eyes locked on the place where their bodies connect. Y/N looks up suddenly and says, “I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me too.” The quiet slap of skin on skin returns as Bucky lowers his mouth to her breasts, perfect like the rest of her. At first he just lavishes her, Y/N doesn’t comment on this, knows it’s his thank you for what she had said.

He sucks tiny bruises to the soft skin as she buries her hands in his hair. A giggle escapes her when she tugs on a strand and he groans. “Learn somethin’ new everyday don’t we, Buck? You like when I pull your hair?”

“Fuck, Y/N, how’re you,” he grunts and stills, trying to keep it together. “How the fuck can you just talk? I’m so close. Are you-,” Just then she tightens her walls around him. He lets out a shout and curses at her.

She’s laughing her head off, “I talk when I’m having fun and boy am I having fun.” But she’s sweating and holding back too. “I wanna come, Buck,” she whines. “Make me come baby.”

“Look at me doll.” Her eyes light on his. “Don’t look away. Wanna see you when you come.” His hand goes to the headboard above her as his thrusts become sloppy and hard.

He’s teetering on the edge when Y/N reaches between them rubs her clit and whispers, “Come with me.”

He ruts into her roughly, fucking out his orgasm as Y/N shudders around him with her own.

Bliss coursing through his body he collapses on top of her. Neither of them speak for a long time, both enjoying their skin against the other's. But eventually Bucky gets up to take off the condom and get a washcloth for Y/N. Bucky curls around her after that, loves being naked with her, loves the feeling of safety and warmth he gets with her. The skin contact might be best of all.

Her back is pressed to his chest as he buries his nose into the back of Y/N’s neck, fully content and exhausted. Sleep is threatening him again when he feels her reach forward for something.

Her phone is in her hand. “Whatcha doin’ baby?” His voice is slurred with fatigue. 

“Takin’ a picture to remember how much more fun we had here today than going to meet people at Avengers Tower.”

“M’kay.”

It’s silent a moment and then she says, “Look.”

It’s a good photo. Bucky’s face half hidden behind her in sleepy bliss, hair a mess, lips swollen and pouty. Y/N has a gentle smile on her face covered by a sheet up to her chest, one muscular arm and one metal one surrounding her protectively. “’s beautiful, doll. Send it to me?”

She does and sets her phone down before turning in his arms. A gentle kiss is pressed to his lips, one he almost doesn’t feel as he slips into sleep. He thinks she might whisper protectively, possessively, “ _My_ hero,” before settling against him happily.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of this series so far! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! ❤️❤️

“She said yes to another date didn’t she?”

“Yeah.”

“And you had a good time the first time?”

Oh, they _definitely_ had. “Yeah.”

Bucky can practically hear Natasha rolling her eyes over the phone. “Then she’s probably just late, Barnes.” He glances around the packed bar and swallows back his anxiety, not particular fond of crowds. “Honestly James, you’re a good guy. Now why don’t you hang up with me and call _her_.”

Bucky doesn’t get a chance to hang up as Nat does it first. Bracing himself he dials Y/N’s number, having memorized it instead of entering it in his phone as a contact. It seems safer that way, in case something ever happened to him or his phone.

It seems to ring forever when she picks up. “James?”

Right. That’s how new this is. He hadn’t told her he doesn’t really go by James. “Hey, Y/N. I, uh, I’m here, and y-you aren’t-,” he could kick himself he sounds so stupid and lost.

“I know and you must be _desperate_ for me to get there and give you some real company.” She pauses for a second and Bucky can hear heels clicking faintly. He really hopes it’s her wearing heels. Sounding suddenly serious and worried and apologetic she says, “Hey, I am really sorry. I shoulda called. I’m almost there and I _promise_ I’m not standing you up. Mrs. Jaskolski’s cat was sick and she stopped me in the stairs and asked for help and I couldn’t just run off but I shoulda called and I’m really sorry.”

Her worry is endearing and Bucky finds himself smiling. “It’s alright, sweetheart. I was just worried is all.”

“Well I can’t wait to see you.”

“I’m at the bar, got a seat saved for ya. What’ll you have?”

She hums, “Somethin’ sweet, like you.” She giggles and then the line goes dead, leaving Bucky chuckling and tucking his phone in his jean’s pocket, anxiety soothed for the moment.

Bucky is alerted to her presence several minutes later by a shocked gasp. He turns to see her shamelessly appraising him. “You look good!” She steps closer, smiling largely at him. “Really. I think I like this better than the suit you wore last time. I still have your tie at my place by the way.” Somehow he finds that hard to believe but Nat had told him that his arms looked really good in this shirt and so maybe Y/N thinks the same. He doesn’t see anything special about jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt. His scarf and coat hang on the back of his stool.

With his cheeks flaming he says, “You look lovely, Y/N.”

“Thank you, James.”

“I got you a Pina Colada.”

“Very good. One of my favorites.” She hops up on a barstool next to him. “Is it too much of me say that I missed you? Is it too early for that?”

Bucky shakes his head, “I missed you too.” He watches her as she takes off her coat, revealing a another flared dress, this time a soft mauve color. As he had hoped, she’s wearing heels, legs clad in sheer black tights.

She notices him look at her legs and slyly tucks them under the bar. “Well then, I missed you. I’m really glad we decided to give this a try.” Her hand pats his carefully, her smile suddenly hesitant.

“Me too.” Although he isn’t sure what _it_ is. This is technically only their second date, while their first had lasted nearly a full day. Bucky hadn’t left her apartment until late evening after the morning she found out his true identity, looking very, very disheveled but infinitely happy. While she takes a sip of her drink Bucky tries to think of something to say to her. What do normal people talk about? When she looks back over at him he says, “Tell me about you?”

“What about me?” She asks cheekily.

“Anything, doll. Where’d you grow up?” Something makes him decide it’s a neutral topic. They may have spent that long day together, and made love countless times, but he still doesn’t really know much about her besides what she had revealed in her messages.

She smiles at him. “Now that’s not very interesting conversation, is it? I’ve led a _very_ boring life. Normal childhood, irritating siblings, boring parents. College, moved here.” Taking a sip of her drink she shrugs. “Not much to tell I’m afraid.” Her brow furrows and she leans forward, “What made you swipe right on my profile anyways? I must seem extremely ordinary to you.”

Telling her that her normality is what he finds interesting, with the little sparks of her very fascinating personality mixed in, isn’t an option. Most people, he thinks, don’t want to think of themselves as normal, not realizing what a gift normalcy is.

So instead he says something much worse. “I didn’t actually swipe right on you. My friend did.”

She jerks back in surprise and plasters a flimsy smile to her face, lips pursing as she tilts her head to the side. “Oh…that’s uh, um,” Y/N stops and furrows her brows. “So-,”

Realizing how that must have sounded to her he says, “No. Y/N, I wanted to go out with you. It’s just Sam thought you were pretty and-,” he pauses as she chuckles at him, looking a little more confused. “That doesn’t make it any better. Please don’t run screaming, I can explain this better.”

“Okay,” her grin widens. “Tell me all about it.”

Stuttering, Bucky recites the story, realizing halfway through that it isn’t all that interesting. He blushes bright red, stuttering near the end. But Y/N only smiles at him and listens carefully. She seems to find him charming and says, “I am thankful for your friend Sam. Which one is he? I’m thinking wings?”

“Yeah.” And then, “I’m sorry,” he says, shaking his head and taking a long swig of whiskey even though it’ll do nothing for him. “I used to be better at…this. I know I was awkward last time we saw each other, and silent for the most part. And now I’m talking too much and about things that are boring and I-,”

She reaches out and pats his hand again, “Hey. I like you. I told you: best date _ever_. What do you mean used to be good at this? You’re doin’ a lot better than some of the other dates I’ve had.”

He’s blushing again. “I, uh, I mean…back in the day I was good at dating. I knew how to behave and what to say but things are different now and obviously I’m not…me anymore and so it’s hard.”

Y/N takes a sip of her drink and takes her hand away from his, “Well I like you just fine. You’re charming and cute. What’d ya do with the girls back in the day then?”

“Oh I’d take ‘em dancing.” His answer is immediate and sure.

Her eyes positively light up, “Well then we’re the perfect match! I love dancing! As I think maybe you could tell by our last encounter.”

Even in the crowded bar, Bucky starts to relax, an easy smile gracing his lips, “I did pick up on that, doll. I love to dance too.” Or, he thinks he used to and that he can love it again.

“We should find a way to go. We could probably find a place to dance like you used to, like I like to.”

“Sure,” he says, unable to believe she still liked to be around him after witnessing his awkwardness, not to mention her unbelievable unconditional unquestioning acceptance of his past.

She smiles again, seemingly having an endless supply of smiles, before she jumps up from the stool, eyes suddenly lit up, “C’mon, let’s get outta here. I just got an idea.” Before Bucky can stop her she’s slapped some cash down on the counter and grabbed his hand, pulling him through the throngs of people. He’s just barely able to snag his coat. “We can go dancing right this second. Because I’m a genius.”

In the street he follows after her closely, watching her pull on her coat and monitoring their surroundings. “Where are we going?” He asks as he pulls on his own coat, turning his collar up against the drifting snow. “Not that that I doubt your genius.”

She slows down and loops her arm through his, casually leaning her head against his shoulder, seeming comfortable with him, “I know this girl who owns a dance studio. She might still be there.”

“You know some strange people. Or, um, people that do things that fit our situation.” He says thinking about the man at the coffee shop who had doctored their drinks just a little.

She pokes his side and leans up to kiss his cheek. The press of her lips against his skin sets his heart hammering wildly. It’s a good feeling, an _alive_ feeling. “Well when I first moved to New York I tried to make as many friends as I could. Lonely, y’know? I used to be a little shy before I moved here. So it sorta forced me out of my comfort zone and I met a lot of fun people. And now I guess they come in handy. Lucky for you.”

Bucky smiles softly, “Yeah. Lucky me.”

They walk for a while, snow starting to drift down heavier on them as the sky opens up above them when they reach a glowing studio. “She holds late classes,” Y/N explains, pointing to the buttery light flooding out onto the street from large windows. “I swear you can find anything in this city if you try hard enough.” She holds the door for him and Bucky is starting to get a little irritated with himself. It might be the 21st century but he was still a little old fashioned. He should’ve paid at the bar and he certainly, at the very _least_ , should be opening doors for her.

The friend that Y/N speaks of doesn’t even look at them as she waves them by from her place at the front of a class. Y/N seems to know her way around the building well as she leads them up a narrow, rickety flight of stairs in the back. “You and Rogers lived in New York before right?”

“Born and bred,” Bucky answers.

“I’m drawing a blank on which borough though?” She says as she flips on lights, taking him down a long hallway.

He doesn’t mind her drawing a blank. It’s nice to know someone that hasn’t memorized every detail in his casefile. “Brooklyn.”

She gasps and turns, walking backward for a moment and meeting his eyes. “Really? I lived in Brooklyn when I first moved here!” Y/N spins back around, “But you know I live in Manhattan now.”

“Brooklyn is better,” he says automatically, even though he doesn’t know if it is. He hasn’t lived there since the 40’s after all, hadn’t really had time to venture over either, afraid of what memories it might invoke, afraid of what he might find.

Y/N laughs as she pushes open a door. “It is. I like it there a lot. Some people worry about crime but it’s never bothered me. There’s crime everywhere, not gonna avoid it any better by hiding in a hole.” She clicks on a last light switch and says, “Here we are!” They face a large ballroom with worn wooden floors.

Immediately she rids herself of her coat and turns to him. “I didn’t pay attention much in history class. So that’s pretty much all I know of your narrative. Besides, uh, what I saw on the news.”

He swallows thickly and takes off his own coat, scarf following, and then one glove. “Well, Y/N, maybe you could hear my narrative from me?”

“If you don’t mind telling it.”

“I told you I wanted something normal. I meant that. Most people don’t know anything about each other.”

“All very true,” she says with a chuckle. Her eyes shift to his hands. “Maria won’t bother us if you wanna take the other one off.”

Without thinking he reaches to peel off his other glove when he hesitates. “You don’t mind?”

“Not at all, James.”

“Actually,” Bucky cringes at his own tone of voice, tossing down the other glove. “Um, I uh, don’t actually go by James.”

Swinging her hips as she walks away from him to plugs her phone into something by the wall she says, “Oh? Bucky then?”

“Yeah,” he breathes.

“Then Bucky it is.” When he doesn’t move from his place by the door she holds out her arms. “C’mon then Bucky. Get into the swing of things, sweetheart.” He walks forward until they’re nearly chest to chest. She looks up at him with wide eyes, sparkling with amusement, something about the familiarity of the situation giving him a clear burst of confidence.

He wraps one arm around her waist and takes her hand in the other. “Don’t we need music, dollface?” Bucky says in her ear, leading her in a little spin.

“Well I was gettin’ to that.” She says, pressing closer to him, “But I like this just fine.”

Settling her chin on his shoulder she strokes his fingers over his back, tracing defined muscle. “You’re a strange person too,” she says suddenly as Bucky leads them around the floor, something like peace settling in his bones. “Maybe I attract strange people.”

He hums in agreement, closing his eyes as they make a slow, long circle around the room. There’s a brief moment of silence before she asks him to tell her something, anything about his life. Before, after, now, yesterday, the minute before she got to the bar, anything as long as it was him. Bucky settles for telling her how he called Nat at the bar, worried. And then he tells her about Steve forcing him up at the crack of dawn every day to run, and how Sam usually came too just to annoy Bucky. He tells her how nervous he was to meet her and how he let Tony pick the restaurant and Natasha pick his clothes.

A giggle leaves her when he dips her suddenly before bringing her back up. “I thought that restaurant didn’t seem at all like you. Tony Stark, now that I can see. And Natasha picks very nice clothes for you.”

“It’s her way of being close to people. She has a hard time with it too.”

She pulls back to look at him, “You don’t seem to have a problem with it. A little flustered but,” she squeezes his hand, “you seem to be doin’ alright with closeness.”

“I think you may be the exception, doll.” Bucky thinks for a moment about telling her about his struggle with touch. How he hadn’t even been able to manage handshakes, not even from Steve, the only person he had trusted at the time. But, maybe he should leave his baggage in the dark for a while longer. Not that she probably can’t guess at it anyways.

“I think I’m glad that I’m your exception.” Her hands go under the back of his shirt, just to rest against his skin, stroking soft circles with the pads of her fingers. “For a lot of reasons.”

In that moment he feels bold and so he leans down to kiss her. She sighs softly against him, as though she’d been anticipating this moment. Her lips are soft, gentle against his own, as though she weren’t smaller than him and infinitely more fragile, what with the metal arm and the knockoff serum in his blood. She kisses him as if he’s fragile.

He kisses her until she pulls away with a small gasp. Y/N grins, “Second best date of my life.” She leans forward and kisses his chin, “You know how to take a girl’s breath away.” The intimacy of her simple gestures leaves him with an aching need in his chest. The kiss to his chin and the one to his cheek earlier, the way she patted his hand, and didn’t hesitate at all when touching him, warms his heart, makes him feel good.

“Do you wanna go out again sometime, doll?”

“We aren’t even finished with this date!”

“I know, I just,” he meets her eyes as she reaches up to caress his cheek. “I just really want to see you again.”

Her nose scrunches in the most adorable way as she says, “You’re cheesy. I like it.” Bucky kisses her again before she can say more. She tastes like the Pina Colada she’d had at the bar and when she asks him if he’d like to come back to her place, the only thing he can say is yes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts???
> 
> Thanks for reading! ❤️❤️ If you have any ideas I’d love to read them!

Y/N thinks about Bucky all the time. Everything seems to remind her of him. People on the street, things in shops, ads in the subway; they all led to Bucky. And somehow her day is always brightened by him even when he isn’t around.

She supposes it must mean that she’s in love, or at least likes him quite a bit. There’s even a drawer at her place with his things in it, which she’s never allowed in previous relationships. Bucky has made space for her in his and Steve’s apartment at the Tower but she still hasn’t managed to leave anything, a little intimidated by the prospect. And Bucky hadn’t made a big deal about it like most men would have, their masculinity threatened by her unwillingness to share herself. But Bucky had only nodded at her full duffle bag when she left and smiled. “It’ll be here when you’re ready, doll.” He had said.

It’s been two weeks since she’s seen him last as he had a mission of some sort to go on. Bucky never shared that with her and she never asked him to. It seemed a sensitive subject and something he wanted to protect her from and so she let it go.

To distract herself she’s meeting with a few of her old friends from college who were in town for the weekend. They hadn’t been particularly close but it was something to do anyways.

When she arrives at the restaurant, and sits at the table she knows why she had been invited out.

Y/N is bombarded with questions about Bucky. None of the girls call him Bucky however, but the Winter Soldier. It irritates her, because that’s not who she’s dating, that’s not who he is.

“When I saw the news I almost lost my mind,” says one of the girls. “I was so sure it couldn’t be you. Not our meek little friend from college! So shy and-,”

“I wasn’t _that_ shy,” she interrupts. “And of the two of us _Bucky_ is the shy one.” She emphasizes his name.

The woman rolls her eyes, “Oh sure the Winter Soldier is _shy_. If anything, he’s probably just broody and silent.”

Y/N starts to feel uncomfortable as another of the women laughs. “The gossip tabloids run stories about the two of them all the time. Y/N, did you know there was a rumor he kidnapped you and that you have Stockholm Syndrome?”

“I didn’t,” she growls, stabbing roughly at her salad that she regrets ordering. “But it’s not true.”

“Oh sure!”

Someone else leans forward and asks, “Is it all carnal? I bet he’s good and really rough, right? Is that why you’re with him? When I heard I just couldn’t understand it. How could you be with someone like him?”

She’s so shocked that for a moment she can’t speak. “ _Excuse me_?” She asks in indignation, her disbelief palpable.

“Well, honey, don’t be naïve. It can’t be because you _like_ him? Certainly can’t be because he cares for you.”

“And why not?”

They all stare at her as though she’d grown a second head. “Well,” one of them starts, shifting awkwardly in her seat, “He doesn’t feel does he?”

She stays quiet for a moment, trying to decide what it is _she’s_ feeling in that moment. Shock, certainly. Rage. But also a niggling feeling of doubt. Not about whether or not Bucky feels, no, she knows he does. But rather about whether he feels something for _her_.

They did have an awful lot of sex. And she did do most of the talking. Maybe it’s only been about sex? She thinks about their first date, how he had asked to come up and her stomach had dropped as she said no. But with a few simple words he’d convinced her to let him come up anyways. And then they had also had sex on their second date, and their third, and fourth, fifth. He came over and sometimes all they did was make love. Her heart aches, maybe the woman has a point. Maybe it was purely carnal. For him at least.

Still, she defends him. “He does feel. He’s a person for god’s sake, not a robot. He’s quiet and sweet and thoughtful and I don’t have to explain myself to you.” She shoves back from the table as hot tears fill her eyes, “I’ll see you probably never.”

With that she storms out of the restaurant, feeling very uncertain all of a sudden.

 

~

 

Its a week later when Bucky comes home. She hears the key turn in the latch but doesn’t move from her position on her bed. Usually she would greet him but today she just can’t find it in herself. She doesn’t want to see him, still dwelling on what had happened at the restaurant.

She’s sitting cross-legged with her laptop open in front of her, wearing only a sweatshirt and panties, knee-high socks on her feet. Bucky pushes open her bedroom door, looking very soft in a pair of sweats and a sweater that’s much too big for him. His short hair is soft and fluffy and his hands hidden in the depths of the jumper. A smile blooms over his face when he sees her but she only stays silent, a frown etched onto her features.

“Hey, doll-,”

“How did you get in?” Her voice is hard and makes him recoil. Y/N’s never spoken to him that way, and she’s never not been smiling at him either. Bucky frowns and takes a step forward. She looks up at him, and he watches the way her eyes flit over him, pausing on the cut on his forehead for a second, eyebrows pulling together in concern.

“I, uh, you gave me the key, remember?”

“Oh.”

“I missed you.”

She doesn’t say anything, turning back to her computer, fingers clicking over the keys.

It’s so unlike her that he doesn’t know what to do. He’s frozen for a moment before he sighs. Maybe she’s just tired, but still he expected her to be at least a little excited to see him. In truth he wants it, craves it. He _wants_ her to be excited to see him, needs it.

Three weeks away is a long time and Bucky never talked to her about what he does or what happens on those missions and maybe she’s tired of being kept in the dark.

The words to ask her what’s wrong don’t seem to want to come to him and so he communicates in the way that’s become natural between them. She’s hunched over her laptop and he sits behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head in the crook of her neck. Trying desperately to communicate his feelings, how much he missed her, how badly the mission had hurt him, how much he wants her touch, her attention.

Y/N relaxes under his touch and he breathes a sigh of relief. Pressing a kiss to her neck, he lets his hands wander beneath her sweatshirt, tracing her soft skin, over her stomach up to her breasts. He cups them gently as his nose skims along her jaw. Bucky squeezes the supple flesh as he brushes his thumbs lightly against her hardened nipples, knowing how sensitive she is and loving the feel over her in his hands.

And that’s when she pulls away, roughly wrenching his hands out of her shirt. “Stop it.”

“Doll-,”

“Bucky, just fucking go okay? I can’t deal with you right now. I don’t want to be touched.”

Surprise washes through him. Y/N thrives on touch, like he does, and besides that she’s a very touchy person anyways. He stands and looks down at her, his heart slowly sinking when she refuses to meet his eyes. Breaths hitch in her lungs as she tries not to cry. Something’s wrong, something happened, but he doesn’t know how to approach it. He’s not good with words and Y/N’s never been upset with him in their short few months together.

Unsure what to say he reaches out to touch her cheek, another endearment on the tip of his tongue. She bats his hand away and glares at him. “Please leave me alone. Go back to the Tower or whatever. I don’t want you here.”

She knows it’s not fair to treat him this way but she’s afraid, afraid that maybe she had been wrong about his motives. Never has she given her heart away so easily or in so short a time, and if it all turns out to be a lie she doesn’t know what she’ll do. So, she isn’t letting it be a lie. If she refused him it wasn’t a lie, because then they were more than just sex.

He shrinks back from her as though slapped and backs toward the door. “I’ll-I’ll, uh, just go then I guess-,”

As soon as the door to her bedroom snaps shut she breaks down in tears, quiet, guilty tears. Closing her laptop and shoving it away she burrows into her pillows, one of them sneakily covered in one of Bucky’s shirts instead of a pillowcase. It’s starting to lose his scent now but it’s good enough for the moment in bury her face in.

She’s never been an insecure person, in fact quite confident, but all of her relationships in the past had ended because there was a misunderstanding about what the relationship was. Simply because she liked sex, simply because she was playful and happy, people hadn’t taken her seriously. _I thought we were just having a good time? I didn’t think you thought this was serious? I didn’t know we were mutually exclusive_. _I didn’t think a girl like_ you _wanted something permanent._

At some point she must fall asleep wracked with shame for how she’d treated Bucky, promising herself to call him first thing in the morning and beg for forgiveness.

 

~

 

When she wakes it’s still dark out and her throat is bone dry. Sitting up she wipes her face with one hand, her dried tears having left a stickiness on her face. Her guilt rushes back to her suddenly, hitting her hard. Bucky is sweet and kind, the kindest person she’d ever known. Even if it is just sex, she doesn’t think he’ll treat her the way the others had. It’s just not in his nature.

Maybe she could cook something and take it to him at the Tower as an apology. He’s always begging her to cook for him, missing homemade meals. Often instead of cooking _for_ him, she’d make him cook _with_ her. He doesn’t seem to mind. She thinks he likes being domestic. And the last time they’d tried it they had ended up covered in flour, Bucky standing between Y/N’s thighs as she sat on the counter, quietly making out until her giggles had gotten in the way.

Her chest seems to contract as she thinks about it, heart aching. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed to get some water from the kitchen, she tries to think of how she could breach the subject with Bucky. How she might ask him if he considered her more than just a good lay.

When she walks out of her bedroom however she’s greeted with a heart-wrenching sight. Bucky is sleeping on her couch, deep snores rumbling out of his chest. She walks around the couch, water forgotten, to look at his face. On the coffee table is a note, _I didn’t want to leave you alone._

Leaving the note where it is she goes to the cabinet in the corner of the room to pull out a large fluffy blanket. Holding it to her chest she moves back to Bucky, leaning down to carefully place a kiss against his forehead. She surprised when he doesn’t stir. His subconscious must trust her presence enough not to startle him awake.

She spreads the blanket over him and then crawls beneath it. It’s a tight fit, in fact most of her body is hanging off the couch but she’s near him and so she’ll stay there. Strong arms suddenly wrap around her and pull her onto his chest. “Are you okay?” He asks sleepily, mouth pressed against the crown of her head.

“I’m sorry for earlier,” she whispers.

“What time is it?”

“Three AM.”

It’s quiet for a few beats before his hands, cold and hot dip under her sweatshirt. “Tell me. I missed you, Y/N.” She listens to his hands then, the silent communication that somehow neither of them ever seemed able to voice. There’s a slight shake. The mission was hard. He’s likely hurt and her lying on top of him is probably causing him pain. His hands don’t stop moving against her skin. He’s nervous, anxious. But the touch is soft, careful. She’s precious to him.

She sighs. “Tell me that I’m not just sex to you.”

“ _What_?” He forces her back so he can look into her eyes. “How can you think that?”

Quickly she explains her meeting with the girls from college and her past relationships and her sudden doubt about this one. “I just started thinking…every time I see you we have sex and that maybe you…were like them. People just think I’m… _fun_ and nothing else.” She sighs, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re so much more, Y/N. You are fun. We do make love a lot.” She would bet that if the room weren’t dark she would be able to see his cheeks a flaming red. “But you’re more than that to me. You’re everything. I know I’m not eloquent but I’ve been trying to show you how much I care for you through everything else.”

She sighs and leans down to kiss him. “I know you have. I’m the same.” She bets that if they did the love language test they’d both get physical touch. Maybe Bucky would get acts of service but it would be close. He sighs into her mouth before pulling back and murmuring that maybe they should move back to her bed. But she shakes her head, “Here we’re forced to stay this close.”

Snuggling into his chest, Bucky doesn’t seem to mind that she wants to be close. A few minutes later she whispers, “Hey Buck?”

“Hm?”

“I kinda wanna have sex.”

A loud laugh leaves him as he tightens his arms around her. She smiles into his chest. “’Cause I missed you, Bucky.”

“I missed you too, doll.” He thinks _I missed you_ might be becoming code for _I love you_ between them.

She laughs gently, the sound like music to his ears, a music he had missed dearly. “I think I’m going to start leaving some things at the Tower. If that’s okay with you.”

“’Course,” he says, happiness filling his veins as she sits up, rolling her hips against his.

They shift so Bucky is sitting up and Y/N is kneeling on the floor between his knees. When she pulls down his sweats she makes a _tsk_ ing sound. “No boxers, Barnes? It’s like you plan for me to suck you off.”

 

~

 

He comes in her mouth, and it’s completely by accident. Embarrassment shades him pink and then red as Y/N laughs at him. “Guess the super soldier stamina isn’t as great as they say it is.” She’s grinning at him, hair a mess from his hands that had been threaded through it moments ago. There’s a drop of come at the corner of her mouth. She had swallowed despite Bucky’s hurried voice telling her she didn’t have to.

Reaching out he swipes away the drop and then pulls her up. “’m sorry, Y/N. Wasn’t too rough with ya was I?”

“No.” She says, climbing onto his lap. The last few seconds his hips had bucked hard against her face. “But I wanna see that pretty blush that’s bound to be on your chest.” Her hand strokes his cheek, feeling his warmed skin beneath her fingers.

Before she can rip his shirt off he pulls her down into a kiss. She moans into his mouth before resting her forehead against his. “It still surprises me that you do that.”

“Do what?”

“Kiss me after.”

He frowns, “Why wouldn’t I?”

Her smile stretches wide. “You are so precious and good that it makes me _alllllll_ warm and tingly inside.” She pulls on the hem of his sweater, rewarded with delightfully pink skin. It’s a healthy color. It looks good on him. “Most people I’ve been with…they think it’s gross to kiss after.”

The frown on his face only deepens. “I don’t think so. It’s my own damn come and your mouth. You kiss me after I go down on-,” Again he looks adorably embarrassed.

“I never would have pegged you as a blusher, Bucky.”

She finally gets his sweater off and gasps. “Are you okay? Do you need medical attention?” The top half of his torso is littered in dark bruises and violent cuts. Her fingers trace softly over one gash immediately.

“No. They’ll all be gone by lunch today, I swear.” Bucky doesn’t seem concerned and so Y/N tries to relax too. “What would you have pegged me as?”

“Well,” she says, grinding against his slowly hardening cock. “A motorcyclist, first. Typical man that shows no emotions, second.”

He chuckles, hands on her hips, “I do have a motorcycle.”

“And visible emotions.”

“That too.”

A few minutes later when Bucky is fully sheathed inside her, she whispers, “I’m still sorry.”

“It’s still okay.” He smirks suddenly, “I think you made it up to me already anyways with that mouth of yours.”

She gasps, a sparkle in her eye, as she smiles and braces her hands on his shoulders, slowly building up a steady pace. Her hand rests half on the metal and half on the scars and neither seem to bother her. “I’m glad you like my mouth,” she says huskily, giggling when that makes his hands flutter nervously around her hips. “Such a pretty, talented mouth-,”

“Alright,” he cuts her off to loud laughter.

They keep at it into the late morning, Y/N completely exhausted by the time they’re finished with each other, and true to his word Bucky’s completely healed. He lies her spent body on the couch, making his way to the kitchen, thinking that Y/N deserved some breakfast and that she really likes it when he cooks for her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading <3

Bucky has practically moved into Y/N’s apartment by the time their six-month anniversary rolls around. It’s better there, separated from the world of avenging, or whatever it is he does now. And even though Y/N stays at the Tower sometimes, they mostly stay in her apartment where they’re both infinitely more comfortable.

So when he wakes up that morning, warm sun stretching over their bodies, he smiles. She looks peaceful, naked and relaxed. Lying on her stomach, he watches the steady rise and fall of her back. One arm is stretched out to him, her hand resting against his bicep.

She had been worried about him last night to the point that tears had welled in her eyes. Y/N, not usually prone to crying, had then become frustrated with him and herself. And he supposes that it wasn’t such a good idea to come to her in the state he had been in, covered in black bruises and cuts, limping and struggling to breathe properly.

His mental state had been even worse, which Y/N had never really experienced before. In the past he had made sure he was stable enough, normal enough, before he came to see her after a mission.

Last night, then, had been quite a shock to her. She hadn’t really known what to do and now Bucky’s a bit worried she might be having some doubts about him. But last night she had taken care of him, even as terror seemed to grip her. She had cleaned his wounds as best she could but didn’t have much experience doing so. She had helped him shower and then tugged him into bed, crying, and told him story after story about her childhood. Eventually he had fallen asleep to the sound of her voice as well as her heartbeat, head pressed to her chest.

She stirs now, fingers tightening on his bicep. Bleary eyes find his as she huffs out a little breath. “Buck,” she murmurs. “How are you feeling, baby?”

He reaches over and pulls her close. She fits against his side as though she were made to rest there, head on his shoulder. Bucky leans in and kisses her very softly. “’m so sorry you had to see me like that. Thanks for takin’ care of me, doll.”

“Why did you come?” It’s not the response he’s expecting and it doesn’t ease his anxiety.

Bucky presses his forehead against hers, turning on his side. “I didn’t want to miss our anniversary. Seemed important to you.”

“It’s only six months. You didn’t need to come if you were hurt.”

Shame fills him again. “I know. ‘m sorry that you had to see me like that-,” he starts to repeat.

“I just want you to be okay. And I don’t know how to make you okay.”

For a while it’s quiet between them as Y/N turns on her side to curl into Bucky, head tucked beneath his chin. “You did fine, baby. Better than fine.” He kisses the top of her head. “You’re too good for me. Too good and wild and happy.”

“Are you not happy?”

“ _No_. No, no, I am. With you I am.”

She pulls back to look in his eyes, searching their blue depths for a minute before she smiles widely at him. “Then let’s celebrate our first six months together. I’m happy with you too and it’s important we see every side of each other. You can always come here when you need to.”

Bucky really can’t imagine how he got so lucky.

 

~

 

“You did it wrong!”

“I did not! It says right there to stir in the noodles after-,”

Bucky huffs out a laugh, “Doll, I think we should call this one a failure and order something. What about that Indian place you like?”

“But-,”

“It’s black and stuck to the bottom of the pan. I think it’s okay if we order something.”

She pouts at him. “If you hadn’t distracted me-,”

It’s their fourth cooking experience that has ended with burnt food because they had ended up making out and groping each other instead of watching the food. Y/N’s starting to get a little fed up with the entire enterprise, especially today as she wanted them to do something romantic together when Bucky had sacrificed his mental and physical health so they could be together. She supposes though, that it’s her fault. She smirks as she thinks about it. Bucky had held out his finger to her with a bit of sauce on it for her to try. Having never been able to keep from teasing him, she wrapped her lips around his finger and sucked, swirling her tongue lightly. His eyes had darkened and then the food had burned.

A kiss is pressed to her mouth as Bucky clicks the stove off with his other hand. He scoops her up and carries her to the bedroom. “Did you burn it on purpose?” She asks, narrowing her eyes at him when he deposits her on the bed.

“’Course not, doll,” he murmurs, parting her jean-clad thighs and settling between them. His pushes her shirt up and kisses the smooth, delicate skin of her belly. “Why would I do somethin’ like that?”

She runs her hands through his hair affectionately. “You’re a shit, did you know that?”

He hums against her, pushing her shirt up further, above her breasts. He presses a kiss between her breasts, readying himself to pull down the cups of her bra and suck one nipple into his mouth. And then she says, “I want you to move in.”

Looking up, he whispers, “What?”

“I want you to move in. I think it’s time. You’re here enough anyways and we’re not that far from the Tower so if something happens-,”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“Even after last night?”

“Especially after last night. I want to see every part of you. You don’t have to hide the dark parts. I don’t mind a little bit of darkness anyways.”

He stares at her for a moment, saying nothing, before he pulls himself up and kisses her hard. Bucky knows in that moment that one day he’ll ask her to marry him. There’s never been a more perfect person and she wants to be _his_. He smiles against her when she giggles. Maybe it was a little early for such thoughts but he doesn’t care. He loves her more than anything.  


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for reading!
> 
> PLEASE give me feedback ❤️ Pretty please?

“Hey! It’s our favorite girl! Barnes has been hiding you away from us again,” Sam Wilson slings one arm around Y/N’s shoulders, making her smile and stick her tongue out at him.

“I just missed you so much I couldn’t stay away any longer, Sam.”

Her grin is wide as he lets his arm drop and takes a step back to appraise her dress. “Do a little twirl.” She does, dramatically flaring out the skirt. “ _Stunning_ , Y/N.” Y/N absolutely loves going to Tony’s galas. The first time Bucky had invited her he had done so with an air of embarrassment, immediately assuring her that she  _absolutely_  did not have to go if she didn’t want to. But she had squealed and immediately started dress shopping online. Bucky had pouted a little as he hated the damn things. But she had kissed his cheek and promised to buy something that only he would see, maybe something a little lacy and scandalous. And so now they go to every gala Tony throws.

At this point she’s an almost required presence. The team loves her. Natasha always takes her dress shopping and Tony doesn’t mind paying when he gets to flirt with her all night to annoy Bucky.  

“Oh thanks,” she says now. “My favorite billionaire splurged on me.”

The billionaire in question steps up behind her and wraps an arm around her waist, “And what a lovely dress I splurged on for the lady. Now where’s that menace we call your boyfriend? I need him to see my hand on your hip.”

She giggles and pulls away from him. “He was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him. So he’s still getting ready,” she lies. In reality Bucky had been nervous about the gala as he always was, not one for crowds or people, or crowds of people who liked to look at his girl. So, Y/N had helped him out with his nerves, giving him a quick lap dance, and even managing to do so in her ballgown, having hiked it up around her thighs. And apparently she had done too well as he’d ruined a good pair of dress pants. Y/N had laughed and left him to deal with the aftermath. She smirks as she thinks about it. Looking back to Tony she says, “He’ll be here soon for you to annoy.”

He swirls his drink in her direction before wandering off in the direction of Bruce, Sam having already found a lovely lady in a satin dress to chat with.

She makes her way to the bar alone, the expensive dress draped around her like it was made just for her. It’s a purple and navy ballgown, dark black and violet flowers etched into the fabric so skillfully that only upon inspection did one realize what the pattern was. It has a deep v-neckline and a cutout in the back shows just a little skin. It’s full skirt even has pockets.

Perching on a stool at the bar, she observes the room, scanning it quickly as she looks for her boyfriend. When she doesn’t see him she turns to the bartender and orders a mojito. While she waits a man sidles up beside her and smiles. He’s handsome and tall and she smirks back at him when he flashes her a grin.

He orders a whiskey and leans close. “Who left a pretty thing like you all alone?”

“Who says anyone left me?” She smiles and sips her drink. Her tongue darts out to lick a stray drop of liquid, his eyes following her tongue. “Though if you must know I’m waiting on someone.” Y/N says, raising an eyebrow and swirling her drink lightly. “And what could you be up to? At the bar all alone?”

Seemingly ignoring her question he says, “Someone stand you up, honey?”

“No,” she says, sipping on her drink with a sly smile. “He’s just late.”

“Why wait? Forget him. Teach him a lesson if he’s left you here all alone. A beautiful girl like you shouldn’t have to wait for anyone. I’ll take care of you darling.” His voice is deep as he boldly puts one hand rather high up on her thigh, thumb smoothing a slow circle.

Y/N just manages not to snort, holding back a laugh.   

“Oh will you?” The man turns, indignation written on his face at being interrupted at what he thinks is a smooth going courtship. The look quickly changes to one of fear and his hand disappears from her thigh. “You bothering my girl? She’s got someone to take care of her.” Bucky towers over the seated man who suddenly seems very small. The man’s fear of Bucky is palpable and clearly he believes every word of the Winter Soldier reputation.  

Y/N crosses her ankles and leans forward, deciding to play with him just a little longer, “I didn’t catch your name.”

“J-John,” John stutters, eyes never leaving Bucky’s.

She puts a hand on his arm, making him jump in his seat as he turns back to her. “John. I’m Y/N and this is the someone I was very patiently and happily waiting for. My boyfriend. Bucky-,” she peers around John, “This is John!”

“John.” He says curtly, nodding, eyes cold and hard.

John stutters out a greeting before spewing a weak excuse to leave before he bolts to the other side of the large room. As soon as he’s gone they both burst out in quiet laughter. Bucky takes John’s place at the counter and leans forward to kiss her cheek, cold hard eyes replaced with loving clear ones. He doesn’t sit but rather leans against the wood very close to her. “That was fun,” he laughs again before sobering up. “He wasn’t bothering you was he? Tony’ll throw him out if he was.”

“No, no, I was having fun teasing him. I can handle myself and I could see you behind him, walking toward us. And Steve’s right over there,” she points. “I knew I would be okay.”

“Oh,  _baby_ ,” he smiles playfully, “I thought you liked to tease  _me_?”

She reaches forward and takes his hand, lacing their fingers together, “I like teasing you best.” Her voice is sultry. “As we both know. Did you find a new pair of trousers?”

“I did.” He says, reaching out to pick up her drink and take a swig. “It’s not like I’m not in possession of about a hundred pairs.”

“Are you challenging me?”

He chuckles and kisses her on the lips, tasting the sweet alcohol on her sinful mouth. “I don’t think I need to challenge you.” Bucky puts his metal hand on her hip and leans in further to whisper in her ear. “Not when you can make me come without even fucking touching me.” His tongue flicks out, licking the shell of her ear before his teeth tug at her earlobe.

Y/N giggles, looking embarrassed. “I’ve never actually managed to do that before. Make someone come without touching them.” She whispers a little ashamedly, glancing around and making sure no one is close to them who would overhear.

“Sweetheart, the effect you have on me alone is enough.” He pulls back and tips her face up. “Don’t be embarrassed. I’m certainly okay with it.” Bucky glances over her, “You look beautiful by the way, doll.”

“Thanks.” She says, reaching out to lovingly adjust his tie. “You look as dashing as you always do.”

“You always have to one up me don’t you, baby?”

She tugs him forward by the collar of his shirt and kisses him. “’Course I do.”

“I gotta say,” he says, grinning against her mouth, “I hate this dress as much as I think you look amazing in it.”

Fisting the material in his hands he pulls back to look at her. Her grin is wide as she asks, “Why is that?”

“I can’t see those beautiful legs of yours.”

She giggles again, “It makes my boobs look good though and you’ll see ‘em later. I have on something special for ya underneath.”

“You always do,” he breathes. Bucky smooths his hands over her thighs, “I got some pictures earlier when you had your skirt pulled up around those pretty thighs.” She pulls up her skirt a little now, smirking, just enough to show her feet. Bucky peers down at her toes. “Are those new heels, baby?”

“You’re a dog, taking those pictures. I want to see them later. And yes, they are new and they’re very pretty as you can see-,”

“Of course, they are.” He says, nodding seriously.

“But I wanted to dance with my favorite soldier. And the problem is these shoes are very pretty but very painful.”

Bucky chuckles and holds his hand out. “I think I could help with that.” She puts her hand in his and waves at Natasha and Steve as Bucky walks her to the center of the dancefloor. “Stand on my feet.”

A wide grin splits her face as she does so. “Tell me if your toes get sore.”

“Babydoll, I’m a super soldier. We could do this all night and I’d be fine. And I know how much my girl likes to dance so I’d do it anyways.” She kisses him in response, wondering where exactly this person came from, seemingly dropped from heaven. Bucky likes to dance too and she knows it takes his mind off the unpredictable environment the galas seem to create.  

For a long time they just dance in companionable silence, at ease and relaxed with each other.

Bucky spins her around and smiles down at her, completely happy. “What are you so smiley about?”

“I’m always smiling with you.”

“You smile more every day,” she says as he dips her, fingers tracing her soft skin, exposed in the back of the dress. “It’s nice.” Y/N remembers wheedling grins and conversation out of him when they first got together. She remembers Bucky mentioning her smiles, seemingly perplexed by them.

Bucky pulls her closer and kisses her gently, still moving around the room. “You’re more than enough reason to make me smile.” His lips go to her temple as he whispers, “I wanted to ask you something tonight.”

She tries and fails to hide her grin. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Come with me?”

Stepping off his feet, Y/N follows him out of the large ballroom and down several corridors until they reach some elevators. When it arrives Bucky presses the button for the roof and punches in an access code before Y/N attacks him. She presses him against the glass wall of the elevator and kisses him fiercely, putting everything she feels for him into the kiss.

She knows what’s about to happen.

When the elevator stops she lets him go and takes his hand, tears already building in her eyes. In the light shining from the buildings of New York, Bucky starts to talk to her. His voice shakes and he stares at the ground a lot, but she knows he must have thought long and hard about what he wanted to say, written it down, and memorized it. He stutters and falters and confuses words but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Toward the end of his speech he says, “We’ve been together for two years but I knew that first night that I loved you. I knew a long time ago that I wanted to marry you. And I know we’ve been through a lot this year. With you being taken from me and my relapse and some other things. But I love you, doll. I know I don’t say it. But I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life proving it to you. Protecting you and taking care of you and learning to let you do the same for me. I love you, Y/N.” He doesn’t go down on one knee but rather just looks into her eyes, holds her hands, and whispers, “Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” she murmurs, squeezing his fingers. “I love you too. Yes.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading❤️❤️
> 
> The next chapter will be some ANGST

When Y/N opens her door she’s shivering, a blanket around her shoulders. It’s the first time he’s seen her in anything other than her wide array of dresses, or nothing at all. She’s wearing a sweatshirt and pants, as well as a fluffy robe and slippers. Her apartment seems to be colder than the hall.

“Y/N? Why is your apartment so cold?” He asks as an icy blast of air hits him.

She shivers again, “E-electricity went o-out in the building. They h-haven’t come to fix it y-yet.” Her teeth chatter, clacking together.

Bucky steps inside and closes the door. He hesitates half a second before reaching out and wrapping his arms around her.

Humming in content she cuddles into him, ice-cold nose pressing against his neck. “Why didn’t you call me? You could have come to the Tower.”

She stiffens in his arms. “Oh, well…we’ve only been seeing each other for three weeks and I thought that maybe it would be weird? Too early?”

“No…Doll, it’s _freezing_.” He says, not too fond of the cold himself. Bucky himself is wrapped in many layers of sweaters and a thick coat.

Giggling, she pulls back to look up at him, “Well _you’re_ here to warm me up now.”

She waggles her eyebrows at him as Bucky turns scarlet. It only makes her smile wider and reach up to pinch one cheek, “You’re so cute. You blush at everything I say.”

Bucky lets her snuggle close to him again for a moment before he decides to take the lead. Usually he just went along with whatever Y/N wanted to do. This would be their third date and this is his chance to make it special. “Okay. Go get dressed.”

She lets out a whine, “But Buuuuccck.”

“Go on,” he lets go of her, spins her around and gives her a little shove toward her bedroom. He smiles tentatively at her when she looks over her shoulder and glares. “Humor me? I promise you’ll have fun.”

“Is this a date you’re leading me on? And here I only thought you liked me for my legs.” She smiles before disappearing into her room. His face heats again as he wonders if Y/N is very perceptive or if he’s just very obvious in his appreciation of her.

She comes back a few minutes later dressed in skinny jeans and boots, a sweater and coat. A scarf is wound around her neck and a hat with a fuzzy bobble on her head as she pulls on a pair of gloves.

Bucky smiles at her when she glares at him and stumbles toward him. “Why are you smirking at me like that, Barnes?”

“Well,” he says.  “I think you’re lovely.”

She smiles so wide it look ready to split her face. “Well aren’t you something to write home about?” For a split second, insecurity threatens him. Write home? Who would ever want to tell their family that they were dating the Winter Soldier? But then she’s stumbling toward him and looping her arm though his, asking, “So where are we goin’ Buck-Buck? It better be good when we have a perfectly warm activity we can do right here.”

Bucky can’t help himself when he leans in and kisses her lips and then the tip of her nose. The smile she shoots back at him is fond and almost confused, as though she can’t fathom his tenderness towards her. He tugs her out the front door and down into the street, grinning the whole time.

 

~

 

Walking with Y/N is almost comical. In heels, her usual shoe of choice, she’s confident. She strides or glides or hops around in them, depending on her mood, never once tripping or faltering. In boots? And on a thin dusting of snow? She’s a complete and utter klutz.

She holds onto Bucky’s arm for dear life as he walks them toward what he’s sure will only be a funnier situation.

When they arrive at the ice-skating rink she turns to him with a pout. “So I guess you don’t like me after all? Took me here to out me as the totally imbalanced person that I am?”

“I didn’t know you were clumsy.” He says with no small amount of amusement.

She mutters something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like “I’m not clumsy.”

Bucky chuckles and walks them inside, Y/N’s hand securely inside his. “I think it’s cute.” And he likes that she holds onto him so tightly because of it.

Again, she only grumbles under her breath, this time cursing at him too. “Humor me?” He asks again. “I won’t let you fall, doll.”

Y/N rolls her eyes and glances nervously up at him, “Promise?”

“I promise.”

A few minutes later they’ve acquired ice-skates from a teenager behind a counter and have tied them on. Stepping onto the ice is a panic inducing moment for Y/N. She looks up at Bucky who only smiles a little and squeezes her hand. “How is this supposed to warm me up?” She complains as Bucky puts his arm behind her back and starts their slow first circle of the ring. “And how is such a big man so nimble on skates? It’s not fair.”

“Jealous?”

“Yes, I don’t like needing help.”

“You’ll get the hang of it.”

Quick as a whip she asks, “Well then Mr. Barnes, pray tell, where did _you_ get the hang of it?”

“I took my sisters ice-skating in the winter.” She quiets immediately and Bucky wonders if he should have said that. Should he share his sisters with this person? Should he share his memory with her? Only pure curiosity lies in her eyes as she waits for him to continue or change the subject. She lets the decision be his, the choice of whether or not to continue. Y/N doesn’t push him for more and he appreciates it more than she’ll ever know. “So,” he says eventually, “I learned with them and then it turned out to be good for dating too, especially if the girl you like turns out to be terrible at it.”

He decides to keep his sisters to himself a while longer.

There’s a sparkle in her eye as she asks, “And how would that help? If she was terrible at it, that is?”

“Well, ya bring ‘em real close,” He pulls Y/N tightly to his side, “Like this. And you show ‘em how it’s done.”

“Did that work for you?”

He shrugs and keeps Y/N close. “Usually. Always got a kiss at the end of the date.”

“Never before the end?” She asks mischievously.

“Never,” he breathes, hoping she’ll kiss him. And so Y/N stops him and pulls him down into a loving kiss, hands on his cheeks, unknowingly granting Bucky’s wish. It brings them both down hard onto the ice when Bucky suddenly loses his balance. Y/N only smirks. “You let me fall,” she murmurs as a gaggle of children and their frazzled parents rush by them. “We didn’t even make it a full circle.”

Bucky kisses her, still lying there on the ice. “Well now I know why I always kissed them at the end.” She looks at him with wide, curious eyes. “This is better though. I’m glad I saved it for now.”

“You are truly something else Bucky Barnes.” Her voice is affectionate and he finds himself blushing again.

 

~

 

They spend a few giggle filled hours at the ice-skating rink. Y/N never gets the hang of it and Bucky doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind how she leans into his body or how she presses her face to his shoulder as she giggles or how she holds his hand tightly within hers. He finds himself smiling easily with her, something he didn’t think possible for himself. To be happy and to smile feels almost like a miracle to him, a precious gift.

When her lips start to turn blue though he insists they leave. Y/N whines about it for a few long minutes, having started to thoroughly enjoy the ice-rink. “We’ll come back, doll,” he promises quietly, standing in front of her as she sits at a bench to put her shoes back on. She looks up suddenly pulls him down into an affectionate kiss, Bucky bent at the waist as she tilts her face up. 

That’s another thing he likes. She gives her affection to him as though it’s the easiest thing in the world to give out. He knows there’s a pink tint to his cheeks when she pulls away. “Let’s get you warmed up, sugar.”

“Sugar?” She asks as she takes his hand again, leading them out of the shoe changing area and out the front door. “I think I should call _you_ sugar, you’re so darn sweet.” It brings a smile to his face and Y/N reaches up to press her fingers against his mouth. “You have such a pretty smile, _sugar_.”

“Thanks, doll.” He knows by the way that she grins at him that he must look significantly flustered.

She chuckles and then almost slips on a patch of ice, squealing and clutching at Bucky for dear life. “Where are we going now?” She asks when Bucky stops laughing at her.

“We are going to get hot chocolate and some pastries. And then we’re going back to the apartment.”

“’Cause you know my original idea was right.”

He shrugs and keeps her from falling in the street again. “Or maybe I just want an excuse to cuddle you.”

Y/N gives a huff of annoyance as she glares at the icy sidewalk. “You don’t need an excuse. I’ll cuddle you anytime, sugar.”

Bucky rolls his eyes at her, “Are you going to tease me about that forever?”

“If I don’t, who will? I rather like the nickname anyways.”

“Sam.”

“Oh the one that thought I was pretty.”

Something like a growl rumbles in his chest as he tightens his hold on her. “I don’t think you’re pretty. I think you’re beautiful and stunning and-,” Bucky pulls her into the warmth of a café. “-mine.” He watches her reaction carefully, wondering if maybe he was being too forward.

But Y/N only grabs him by the front of his coat and pulls him in for a kiss. “I’d say that’s accurate. But only if you’ll be mine too.”

“I already am.”

She kisses him hard again until they’re interrupted by a pointed cough from the barista. “You two gonna order somethin’ or just stand their suckin’ face?”

Y/N pulls away, hands still fisted in Bucky’s coat. “Hey, Justine.”

Even the tips of Bucky’s ears are scarlet as they turn toward the counter, his hand still on her hip. “Do you know everyone?” He mutters under his breath. She only laughs loudly and kisses his cheek.

“Poor baby. Do I embarrass you?”

Justine raises an eyebrow. “I’d say you do. I’ve never seen a man that color red.”

It only makes Y/N laugh harder.

 

~

 

The next morning Bucky wakes to Y/N’s apartment’s heat restored but to a cold bed. Blearily, he sits up and examines the clothes scattered over the floor. None of it is anything he really wants to put on, wishing he had some sweats with him. He settles for his boxers and shirt as he wonders where Y/N has gotten to.

He can hear music and Y/N chattering in the kitchen. It’s homey and nice. A smile tugs at his mouth as he runs his hands though his hair and pulls open the bedroom door quietly.

Y/N is standing at her kitchen island, looking at something on her laptop. She balances on one foot, her other leg bent, foot pressed to the inside of her knee. Amusement threads through him at her standing position. There are two cups of coffee on the counter, a fact that makes him feel warm inside. He starts to move forward when he realizes she’s still on the phone. It’s pressed between her ear and her shoulder.

“Yes, mom, he was the Winter Soldier,” she says quietly, making Bucky’s heart freeze in his chest. “But he’s not anymore. I…it’s complicated but I think…Bucky was never him. It’s almost like two different people.”

There’s a pregnant pause as her mother answers. She laughs quietly, “Yes, mom. He does.” Another long pause. “I _knew_ dad would want to meet him! Tell him to tame the history buff in him. All dad needs to know is that he’s kind and wonderful and makes his daughter very happy.”

Bucky thinks it’s a positive conversation which is more than a little baffling. “ _Mom_!” She says suddenly, making Bucky jump. Y/N turns and spots him hovering by the bedroom door. She waves him over as she says, “You’ll scare him off if I bring him for a visit so soon.”

Y/N takes the phone away from her ear and taps the speakerphone button as Bucky reaches her side. She kisses his cheek and rests her head against his shoulder as Bucky winds his arm behind her back. “Honey,” a male voice sounds after a brief scuffling sound, “I’d just like to ask him a few questions. Such an interesting man! Please come for dinner sometime. We miss you anyways.”

“Yes, we do!” Comes her mother’s voice. “Please, bring him for a visit. We want to meet the man who’s made you so happy.”

“Of course, of course,” says her father. “That too.”

Y/N looks up at Bucky, “Dad’s a psychologist and a history nerd.”

“Is he on!?” Her mother asks happily. “Oh, goodness, hello Bucky!”

Bucky’s rather choked up but still manages to say, “Hello, ma’am.”

“He’s called me ‘ma’am’, dear.” Y/N’s mother says to her father. “I like him already.”

“I heard that, hon. Now listen son, don’t be a stranger and don’t let Y/N keep you away. You’re both welcome anytime.”

“Yes, sir, thank you.”

Y/N rolls her eyes, “Bye, guys.”

“Bye dear! Bye Bucky!”

Before he can respond Y/N clicks out of the call. She reaches up and wipes away a tear from his cheek with her thumb, “What’s wrong?”

He takes a second to compose himself, “You don’t know how strange it is for people not to be afraid.”

She hugs him tight and murmurs, “I made some coffee for you.”

Squeezing her tight and kissing the side of her head repeatedly he whispers, “I know.” There’s never been a more special person than Y/N, he decides. She and those around her seem to be the best sort of anomaly.

Bucky doesn’t let go of her for a long time and Y/N never pulls away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wouldn’t be something I wrote without a little angst. 
> 
> Thanks for reading ❤️❤️
> 
> Please leave me your thoughts ❤️❤️

It’s just sitting there, looking very innocent, on her desk. Y/N creeps closer, smooths her fingers over the sleek touchpad. Bucky had dropped it there with no small amount of distain some hours earlier. She hadn’t asked about it, hadn’t been given the time as Bucky pushed her back into the wall and kissed her hard.

It had been surprising to say the least as Bucky is normally very gentle with her, careful almost. The sex that had followed had also been different, rougher and more desperate. He left marks on her, gripped her almost painfully tight. It was strange. They usually had silly, loving sex.

Afterwards he had gotten up and showered, then he had apologized lowly in her ear while she still laid in bed and promised to cook something for her. That’s where he is now, cooking something delicious smelling in the kitchen. Y/N has just gotten out of the shower herself and now the tablet is staring her in the face. What was on it that had upset the usually gentle man so greatly?

After she puts on some clothes she sits at the desk and reaches for the tablet, already thinking it’s a bad idea.

But something makes her unlock the screen. What she finds is a terrible horror. There are videos and reports and medical files. There are disciplinary reports and descriptions of horrifying events and procedures. There’s a bit that’s just chemistry, the exact cocktail that made the Winter Soldier and allowed him to be cryogenically frozen for decades. She swipes through it for a moment, trying to decipher it in vain.

At first it isn’t too bad, she can almost stomach it. Because the videos are last, as are the pictures, and the reports are all in Russian. But then comes the English translated versions and the twisted pictures and videos. They span years, decades.

There’re silent tears rolling down her cheeks when she’s forced to pause the first video and run to the bathroom. That, combined with everything she’d read and the pictures she’d seen, is too much to handle. She didn’t know a person had that much blood in their body. She empties her stomach until there’s nothing left to force out and is left dry heaving. A cool metal hand settles on the small of her back then, tracing calming circles though her thin shirt. “I’m sorry, babydoll.” A weak sob leaves her at the use of the pet name. He only really calls her babydoll when he thinks he’s messed up in some significant way.

She sits back, Bucky’s hand whipping away from her, as she grabs a towel and wipes her mouth. “Bucky…” she whispers, reaching out to his place beside her on the floor, intending to caress his cheek. He flinches away from her hand as though he thinks she means to punish him. It reminds her of their first time together, where he had recoiled from her after she found out who he was. She drops her hand, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. “Why are you sorry? You-you have _nothing_ to be sorry for-,”

“You saw it. I’m sorry that you saw it.”

“Baby,” she reaches out again, slowly this time, approaching him like she would a startled animal. This time he lets her touch him. Y/N’s hand presses into his cheek but he still stiffens under her hand. “I saw it but it _happened_ to you.” She strokes his cheek, “That’s why I’m-,”

Bucky jerks away and stands, not wanting to hear what she’s about to say. Carefully, he reaches down to pull her up from the floor. He stands still and hard as though expecting her to lash out at him. With Bucky watching stoically she closes the lid of the toilette and flushes it before washing her hands and brushing her teeth.

He starts to walk away upon completion of these tasks, satisfied that Y/N is okay, but she stops him. She takes his hand, holding it tightly in hers. “Buck…please. Please let me say what I want to.”

“I know what you’re going to say.” He says quietly, not looking at her.

“What am I going to say then?” She asks, clutching his hand in her own, bringing it up to rest against her cheek. 

His lips twist downward as he meets her eyes, a sadness and fear she’s never truly seen lying in his eyes. “You’re going to say you don’t want me anymore. You don’t want this… _us_. I’m tainted and broken and not-not something wholly human. I’m vile and hated. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth the effort. And I understand Y/N, I do, but I can’t hear you say it so I’ll just go. I’ll leave you alone. I won’t bother you, you don’t have to worry about that.”

Before he has the chance to turn away she slams into him with such a force that it brings down even the brick wall that is Bucky Barnes. She lands on top of him on the bathroom floor and kisses him with a determined passion. “Not true,” she mumbles, pressing her forehead against his, hands on either side of his face. “It’s just not _true_.”

He frowns again as he sits up and wraps his arms around her body, deciding he should hold her while she still allowed it. Y/N turns and kisses him again, this time softly and with a quiet love. She pulls back and strokes her thumb over his lip, eventually settling it in the center of his plump bottom lip.

“I’m sorry I looked at it without asking you. But I’m not upset because I think you’re tainted or broken or that what happened to you was your fault like you seem to think. I certainly don’t think you’re vile and I don’t hate you. I’m upset because people _hurt_ you. You’re the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. How could people do that to you? They used you like you meant nothing. _You_. _You_ , the best person I’ve ever met, who treats me like I’m precious and not ordinary, who’s so caring it hurts my heart to witness sometimes. They did things I didn’t think possible to do to another person. The surgery-,” She cuts herself off, biting her lip hard. “What they did to you…”

She nuzzles into his neck as Bucky sits still in absolute shock. And then she jerks back, tears pooling in her eyes again, “I’m so sorry, baby, I couldn’t even get through one video and you endured that for years and years and-,”

Bucky shushes her gently, stroking her hair and pulling her back to him. “I’m okay now. With you I’m okay.” He’s never exposed Y/N to any of what happened to him, at least not directly. She knew some things, from the internet and other sources but she’s never heard it from him or seen it up close. But now she’s seen it and she still cares about him anyways. In fact, she’s very distressed about his wellbeing. Her hands are patting over him as if she expects to find the open wounds from all those years ago.

“The things they did to you…I read the-the other ones, the files. And saw the pictures. Oh, Bucky. You are a miracle, do you know that?”

“How do you figure, babydoll?” He asks quietly.

She strokes her fingers through his short hair, her touch soft and careful. “You’re so strong and brave but you also came out on the other side so kind and lovable and good. At the core of your soul, you are so, so, so _good_. Most people, I think, would be hateful and mean and bad. But not you.”

He tilts her face so he can see her eyes, “You really believe that, don’t you?”

“Only ‘cause it’s _true_.” And then she says something amazing. “Bucky,” she says, forcing him to keep looking into her eyes, “I love you. I love you and what happened wasn’t your fault. You are good.”

It’s silent for a long time as he searches her eyes. Eventually though, he whispers, “Say it again.”

“I love you, Bucky. It’s not your fault.”

“Again.” His heart feels like it’s healing just a little each time she says it.

“I love you. You were as brave and strong as you could be.”

He doesn’t say it back to her but Y/N knows that he loves her too. “Doll-,”

“I love you. You are good and kind and I love you.” He rests his forehead against her shoulder and lets her pet him for as long as she likes, humming in bliss when she unexpectedly kisses him.

 

~

 

Eventually Bucky had forced them up off the floor and taken Y/N to the kitchen where he reheated the food he’d made earlier. They had both eaten silently, though Y/N had never once let go of his hand.

Afterward he had made love to her, slowly and softly, with little more than kisses and moans exchanged between them.

Now, Y/N is kissing his scars. Sleepily, he watches her. Her mouth is soft against his skin when he says, “Y’know, most of ‘em healed pretty quick. ‘Cause of the serum.”

“Then I’ll just have to kiss all of you.” She says with determination in her voice. Another kiss is peppered to his shoulder, along the pink, thick scarring there. “I’m good at giving kisses.”

“That you are,” he murmurs, watching her carefully, still unable to believe she wasn’t breaking up with him and throwing him out. “You have the lips of an angel.”

She giggles and looks up at him, “That’s a song you know.”

“Is it?”

She smiles and kisses his lips, “You’re so innocent and precious.”

Thinking he’s anything but, he kisses her again. If Y/N thinks he’s innocent and precious then that’s enough for him. “You make me feel like I am,” Bucky murmurs as she reaches up and combs her fingers through his hair. “You…are truly something else Y/N. Something unexpected and unbelievable.” He grips her hips and flips her over, hovering over her. She smiles up at him, her hands on either of his arms, the metal seems still not to bother her.

“Right before I met you,” he starts, not sure why he’s telling her this but continuing nonetheless, “I asked this woman on a date. She’s an agent. We were friends, or I thought we were. And I didn’t have romantic feelings for her but I thought maybe it might lead somewhere. It turns out she was terrified of me. She tolerated me because she thought I might hurt her.”

He watches Y/N’s face contort in anger, nose scrunching up, eyes narrowing. “I still had the Winter Soldier hair and I’m a big guy and every single one of those agents knows every detail of my file. They know I have knockoff serum in me. They know exactly what I’ve been through. They’ve seen the videos and read the reports. I was only finally allowed to see them today.”

“Buck-,”

“And so that’s why I cut my hair and lost a little muscle and let Natasha make that account for me. You have no idea how terrified I was when you got that text telling you who I was. I was so afraid because when you fell asleep I decided I wanted it to last, that you made me feel like I was normal and sane and okay.” He lowers himself and carefully presses his head between her breasts, her fingers going to his hair as she wraps her legs around his waist. “I walked in here earlier and I knew I had been rough with you when we aren’t usually. I knew I hadn’t given you an explanation and that you deserved one. And then I saw the tablet lying there with that video paused. I heard you vomiting and thought, ‘This is it. This is the end.’”

She clutches at his shoulders, “It’s not. It doesn’t change anything.”

“I know. But I expected it to be. I thought you must be disgusted by me, by what had happened to me. I thought you must hate me for what I allowed to happen to me, for what they made me into. It never occurred to me that you could be upset _for_ me, because of what happened _to_ me.” He kisses her collarbone. “The only other person I’ve seen with that strong of a reaction is Steve.”

He swallows harshly and tilts his face up to meet her eyes as she keeps stroking his hair softly, “So, Y/N, you might think I’m something like a miracle. But you actually are.”

“Honey-,”

“Don’t fight me on this,” he begs. “Please, doll.”

“Okay,” she says softly. “Okay, Buck. I love you, sugar.”

He smiles at the nickname, and let’s Y/N’s fingers soothe him to sleep. They’re both completely exhausted but he still hears her start to hum, feels her lips against his hair. She’s whispering something but he doesn’t hear it.  


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst and then we’re back to some smut and fluffy fluff. 
> 
> ❤️❤️❤️ thanks for reading

Y/N is half asleep when her bedroom door drifts slowly, silently open. For a moment she freezes in fear, her worst nightmare realized. But then she recognizes the shape of the body in the doorway and she relaxes, though the tension she feels in her gut doesn’t leave. She’s almost apprehensive of his appearance in the apartment.

“Baby,” she says hoarsely, voice still laced with sleep. “C’mere. You’re home now.”

They’ve been apart for more than a month and part of her wants to jump up and fall into his arms, but the other part is just too tired, too aware of what his stiff reaction will be. “C’mere, sugar,” she whines, making grabby hands at him in the darkness.

She hears a humorless chuckle and then the clink of buckles as he moves toward her. It occurs to her then, as her eyes adjust to the darkness, that he’s still in his gear which is something that’s never happened before. He’s usually at least cleaned up before he comes home, even if his mind isn’t in order. So she knows it must be bad as he approaches the bed.

Y/N opens her arms and lets him settle between her hips. The stiff leather of his tactical suit bites into her skin but she holds her tongue and keeps quiet. Instead she threads her fingers through his hair, letting the still sweat dampened strands fall through her fingers. She knows this is the only contact she’ll get from him for days, as had become the norm recently. “Just,” he starts to whisper, “Please just keep me.”

Not quite sure what he means by that she agrees anyways. “Of course, baby.” When Y/N agreed to their relationship she expected some amount instability on his part. But lately it feels like it’s getting worse and that she’s definitely not helping. She feels useless against what is quickly becoming a downward plunge.

She sings him to sleep and in the morning when she wakes, he’s long gone. A sigh leaves her. Bucky is supposed to be living at her apartment but he’s seemed to have forgotten that too.

It’s not the first time and it certainly won’t be the last that she feels utterly abandoned by him in the last few months.

 

~

 

“Bucky?”

“Yeah, Steve?”

Steve shifts from foot to foot in the doorway to Bucky’s room. The normally orderly room is in complete disarray. Books litter the floor, along with clothes and various weapons. The desk is cracked and there are dirty dishes strewn around the room. Broken glass from a smashed picture frame lies in one corner. “When’s the last time you saw Y/N?” Bucky himself sits in the desk chair, facing away from Steve and toward the large window framing the sinking sun.

Bucky turns and glares at Steve, “Why?” And then something inside him lurches and he stands hurriedly, looking around his room for a weapon. But all of them are dirty, Bucky lacking the energy to take them to the armory or properly clean them himself. “Has something happened to her?” He locates a knife and figures that’s all he needs as he tries to march past Steve.

“No, Bucky,” Steve steps in front of his friend. “She’s fine. I mean, she’s not in any danger.”

“What’s the difference?” He growls, heartrate slowing, lodging the knife in the wall next to the door before stalking to the bed. If something happened to Y/N, the crack that had appeared in his soul would fissure and he would crumble. He sits on his unmade bed and clutches his head, another migraine creeping up his stiff spine. Y/N is fine, she’s _fine_. Bucky knows she’s perfectly _okay_. But still, he can feel a panic attack approaching.

Steve loses his temper then, “The difference, _pal_ , is that she’s thinking about breaking up with you.”

Bucky freezes. “What?” He looks up at Steve, bewilderment and fear residing in his eyes, “What did you just say?” His voice is barely a whisper.

“She thinks you don’t want her anymore. She thinks that she’s bad for you. Y/N knows you’ve been struggling and she doesn’t know what to do because everything just seems to push you further away. I mean, for God’s sakes Buck, you’re supposed to be living there and you haven’t been there in weeks! How do you think that makes her feel?” Steve says, “I took that box over there like you asked me to and she refused to even look in it. Just started crying. And I’m not good with emotional women and so it took me awhile to get out of her what had her so upset.”

Steve shakes his head, “I know you’ve been going through some stuff lately but that girl doesn’t deserve the way you’ve been treating her.” Bucky pulls at his hair in anxiety as Steve continues. “She says you hardly look at her or talk to her or smile anymore.” Steve is a bit pink around the ears as he says, “She said that-that, um, she feels like you’ve been using her lately, that you take what you need and then you go. She says that when you are there you leave before she wakes up and that she doesn’t want to do it anymore if you don’t want her.”

Bucky isn’t given a chance to respond as Steve says, “You better fix this. You might not be able to admit it to yourself but you love her. And if you lose her you’ll never forgive yourself.” Steve walks forward and shuts the door behind him, slowly starting to pick Bucky’s things up from the floor. Tentatively he reaches for the shattered picture frame. “Bucky…” He trails off, examining the photo.

Slowly, he perches next to Bucky on the bed and hands it to him. Reluctantly, he takes it, pressing his thumb over Y/N’s face. It’s a good photo, taken from the top of the Ferris wheel at Coney Island. Their faces are pressed close together and they’re both smiling widely, the sun making a golden halo behind their heads. “I’m not good enough for her, Steve. She’ll never have a normal life with me included in it.”

“Buck…I don’t think she’s looking for normal. Or for anyone else other than you.”  

“Did she look in the box?”

“Not when I left she hadn’t.”

Bucky nods slowly, holding the picture gingerly between his fingers. “I feel like I’m ruining her, like I’m draining her of all life.”

“You aren’t. She misses you. Told me so herself.”

“I’ll go see her later.” Bucky says, nodding to himself. “I’ll go see her.”

 

~

 

It takes Bucky three weeks to get the courage to see Y/N, to sort his mind out and figure things out. And because he doesn’t want to hurt Y/N further he decides not to contact her. And, he reasons, she can’t break it off with him if she can’t speak to him.

When he finally goes to see her, he gets his hair trimmed and shaves and picks clean clothes out of his dresser before he walks to Y/N’s favorite florist and buys a bouquet of her favorite flowers.

She’d been calling him nonstop the last couple weeks but he hasn’t once picked up, not even to explain why he couldn’t speak to her for the time being. The calls had dwindled slowly. And then a few days ago she had stopped calling altogether. Her silence scares him. Why had she stopped calling? She’s never been silent toward him before.

Bucky arrives at her apartment in a state of dread. Why hasn’t she called him? But he berates himself too. He had treated her like shit for a month and a half after he had been away on a mission for a month, and then he had ignored her calls for three weeks. He can’t imagine she’ll be in a good mood when she sees him.

Tentatively, he knocks on her door and waits even though he has a key he doesn’t feel as though he deserves to use it at the moment. _Leave it won’t you?_ He hears a male voice ask.

 _It’ll just take a second to tell whoever it is to get lost._ Y/N’s voice answers.

She pulls the door open and stops short. “Bucky?” She asks, looking extremely confused. “What’re you doing here?”

Y/N is wearing a pink silk robe, loosely knotted at the waist. It leaves little to the imagination about the shape of her body, the curve of her breasts and hips. She crosses her arms, hiding her hardened nipples. Most of the expanse of her long legs are exposed and a trail of dark bruises extend there on the inside of her thighs. He locks eyes with her, his glance ghosting over the line of bruises on her neck too, from under her ear disappearing under the robe at her collarbone.

Devastation rips through him as he realizes what her state of dishevelment and the male voice means. There’s a righteous anger in her eyes though, an anger she shouldn’t be allowed to possess when she’s been cheating on him. They stare at each other before she says, “Fuck you, Barnes,” and starts to slam the door.

He kicks his foot out, catching the door. “Are you fucking serious?”

The man appears, “What’s wrong, baby?”

Bucky has to restrain himself from reaching out and ripping the man apart. “You’re cheating on me.” He states, only looking at Y/N.

She gapes at him. “ _I’m_ cheating on _you?_ That’s really funny Bucky, really fucking funny.” Tears sparkle in her eyes. “Why’d you come here, huh? To humiliate me some more? Like the idiot I am?”

“ _What_? Have you lost your mind? I’m the one standing here looking at you with another man!” He roars.

“Hey man-,”

“Connor, get your shit and go.” Y/N says roughly.

Connor scoffs. “What the fuck? You’re not gonna put out now that this fucking loser-,”

Bucky grabs him by the front of his shirt and yanks him out the door. Even if he’s pissed off at Y/N he still loves her and won’t let her be spoken to that way. His heart is broken but he had seen the way her face fell. “You just lost the privilege to have your shit. She doesn’t owe you anything.” Connor starts to open his mouth when Bucky flexes and rips his glove off. “ _Go_.” He snarls, leaving no room for an argument.

Connor stares at the metal for a second before he bolts down the hall and Bucky slams the front door shut. He turns, a shout built in his throat. But Y/N beats him to it. “Don’t you fucking dare, James Barnes-,”

“You’re cheating on me? With that piece of shit?” He shouts, advancing on Y/N who backs away from him. The flowers in his hand hit the floor as he continues forward. He only stops when she cowers away and flinches. “Y/N-,” he says softly, his chest constricting.

“I can’t be cheating on you if we aren’t together,” she says quietly, not daring to look up at him. She’s so afraid she can’t move, eyes glued to the linoleum of her kitchen floor.

Bucky doesn’t move either, afraid of frightening her further. “We aren’t together anymore?” he asks gently, heart seeming to shatter as he does.

She glances up then, “Bucky, what else am I supposed to think? You refuse all my calls when we’ve been having a rough time. You were away for a long time right before that. I thought maybe you were on another mission and didn’t have time to tell me before you left. So I called Steve last week to ask if you’re okay and he says, ‘Isn’t he with you? He’s been going to see you all the time lately, more than usual. I thought you two were making up.’ What am I supposed to think, Bucky? You’ve been seeing someone that isn’t me and so I assumed it was over. So who’s your girl, huh? Who’s your new girl?”

She doesn’t give him a chance to respond, “I thought maybe you just didn’t want to go through the conversation, and was hoping that I’d get the message. Who just doesn’t answer the phone for weeks, lies to their best friend for weeks, for nothing?” Her bottom lip trembles, “This apartment is supposed to be your home. Who just doesn’t come home for weeks and weeks if the relationship isn’t already over?”

She takes a deep breath and continues. “And I’ve been so heartbroken and lonely. I don’t know what I’ve done to make you want to hurt me so badly and so I called that douchebag because I needed someone,  _anyone_ to make me feel like I haven’t been abandoned. What did I do? Why do you hate me?”

“Babydoll-,”

She turns away, shaking her head.

“Let me explain it to you. There’s an explanation. It’s not a good one but it’s what I have.”

She glances over her shoulder, fiddling with the edge of the robe. “You have two minutes.”

Bucky explains himself as fast as he can, telling her about his sudden downward spiral mentally and his feelings of unworthiness. He tells her about the time it had taken to clear his head and why he hadn’t answered her calls. He tells her everything and hopes it’s enough. “Why did you lie to Steve? Do you have another girl?” She asks when he’s through.

“No! No, no, it was so he wouldn’t follow me. He’d have followed me if he thought I was off somewhere on my own in that state.”

“That’s not good enough.”

“I know,” he whispers. “I want to be whole for you, is what it comes down to. I don’t want you to have to see me like that.”

“We’re supposed to be a team, Bucky Barnes. I don’t want you to avoid me for weeks to get your head right. I don’t want to only see you when you’re okay. I want you to be able to trust me to see you when you aren’t okay and when your soul is dark and you need help. I want to be there to help you. But you can’t stay away, or come here and then not talk to me and disappear in the morning. Because I love you, goddammit, and if you can’t trust me to see you when you’re vulnerable then we shouldn’t be together.”

Slowly, he takes a few steps closer to her. “I’m so afraid of smothering the light in you. I lose the people I love. I’ve never been a lucky man, Y/N. I don’t deserve someone so good and understanding and loving. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop with you.”

She hugs herself as she bites her lip, “Maybe it already has.” Her voice is so low that even his ears almost miss it.

“No,” he whispers, “Please, Y/N, we can figure this out.”

“Then we have to _change_. I don’t…I don’t want to be the person that you come to when you wanna have fun and that’s it. I want you to be able to trust me to see you. I want to be your person, not your distraction, not your _toy_.”

He remembers what she’d told him about her past relationships, about how people only saw her as a good time and nothing more substantial. “No, Y/N, it’s nothing like that. I’m so afraid that it, that _I_ , might be too much, that I’ll lose you. You mean _everything_ to me, doll.”

She hurls herself into his arms suddenly. “Bucky,” she whispers into his neck. “I love you, sugar.”

“I’m sorry-,”

“Hush,” she whispers. “Forget it. We just have to do better. Promise me we’ll do better.”

He kisses her temple. “I promise.”

“I want to see you. Every raw, bleeding part of you. You might have to guide me on how to help but I want to be there for you.”

“Okay, baby, okay.” He nuzzles into her neck, mumbling, “You are my person.” It only makes her grip him tighter.

Its silent as they hold each other for a long minute until Y/N pulls back to meet his eyes. Her cheeks are tearstained as she says, “He didn’t feel right at all. He kissed me wrong and put his hands in all the wrong places and I was almost dreading the moment when he’d want to put his cock inside me. I didn’t really want it I was just so _alone-,_ ”

Bucky growls lightly and pulls her closer. “He doesn’t know you like I do. You’re mine. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m sorry.”

She strokes his cleanshaven cheek. “I’m sorry. I’m heartbroken and I love you and I don’t want to lose you. I thought I lost you. I thought you were never coming back. I thought you hated me, that I must have done something so horrible. I would never cheat on you, I thought you weren’t coming home, I thought we were over, I thought-,”

He shakes his head and leans in to kiss her, mumbling that it’s okay, that he’s sorry and it’s not her fault. The whole thing is already behind them, all they have to do is be better, and Bucky would do anything for Y/N. And Y/N, of course, would do anything for Bucky.

 

~

 

That night they’re given a chance to do better. He wakes with a nightmare, a scream on his lips, his body rigid and hard against hers. She peppers him with soft kisses and light strokes to his hair, murmuring that it’s okay.

Slowly, he relaxes, the tension draining from his body as he snuggles into Y/N’s pliant, safe embrace. “It’s why I didn’t stay through the night,” he whispers hoarsely. “You’d know.”

“I’m glad I know.”

“I used to have them all the time. They started to come back.” His voice is horrible and low, “And they aren’t easy to explain, to pass off as nothing. They show how broken and-,”

She shushes him lowly, stroking his shoulders and the back of his neck, before she threads her fingers through his soft hair again. “Am I doing alright?”

“Yes.” She doesn’t make him talk about it, he thinks, like Steve would have. “I’ll tell you about it in the morning.”

“Whatever you like, sugar.”

It’s silent for a beat before he asks, “Did you look in the box I sent over with Steve all those weeks ago?”

She shakes her head and Bucky rolls off her, “Do it now. Please?”

Flicking on the light she throws back the duvet and reaches under the bed. She pulls the shoebox into her lap and glances at Bucky before flipping open the lid. Inside are old photographs, all containing Bucky’s family. Some, most, feature Steve and Bucky’s sisters. On the inside of the lid Bucky’s chicken scratch handwriting reads:

_For my girl. To replace the bad with the good. When you think of me don’t think of those files, those videos, think of this._

Scrabbling through all the pictures, slowly, one at a time, she tears up. Bucky remains silent through it all, only reaching over to squeeze her hand occasionally. At the very bottom are pictures of the two of them, of the team, of Y/N with Sam and Steve, of Bucky and Steve, of everyone.

She kisses him hard on the mouth, caressing his jaw slowly. “You are so precious,” Y/N murmurs her mantra of him before pulling back to go through the pictures again. The knot in Bucky’s chest loosens just a little.   


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for the moment, I think I'm going to put this story on hold due to some of the responses I got for the last chapter (I've deleted them) and the misunderstanding, I think, of what happened with the reader and Bucky. I've been put off on writing more for this story for the moment.
> 
> I have one more chapter that I’ve already written so that will be put up in a couple of days. 
> 
> If inspiration comes back to me I’ll write more as I do have a lot of ideas and plans for this series. 
> 
> Thank you for all the positive responses I got. I love you guys and thanks for reading ❤️❤️

“Doll…I don’t know about this,” Bucky says from the other side of her bedroom door. He fidgets with the sleeve of the shirt Y/N had shoved over his head earlier. “I’m not y’know, sociable, or uh, good with crowds-,”

“It’ll be fine!” Comes her muffled response. “I promise.”

He sighs and picks at one of the buttons on his shirt. Y/N wants to go out. Before knowing exactly what he was agreeing to he had said yes, figuring she meant a bar. Because that’s where they always went when they ‘went out’. Now, he’s finding out she’s intending to take him to a club. Bucky’s anxiety is through the roof but he’ll still go because she deserves to have a good time and he loves her too much to say no.

“I think you’ll change your mind when you see what I’m wearing,” she says teasingly.

Before he can answer she throws open the door. His eyes widen as he takes her in, his mouth going completely dry. “ _Fuck_ , Y/N.” And now he won’t be able to let her out of his sight all night. He had already been worried about being able to protect her in a crowded club but now he has a whole new set of worries.

She’s wearing a skin tight black tank top tucked into her jeans, her breasts pushed up and together by a lacy black bra. He’s just barely able to see the tops of the cups above the low line of the tank top. Her light blue jeans are just as tight and the black pumps on her feet make her legs look like they go on for miles. “I’m not gonna be able to look away from you,” he growls.

She reaches out and tips his chin up so he’s looking at her eyes and not her legs. They sparkle with a quiet mirth as she says, “You haven’t even seen the best part. And Buck, I promise, the second you want to leave we will. I just think you should try it. You’ll be with me, I’ll ground you.”

“I know.” He takes a deep breath. “Though now I want to keep you in this apartment for other reasons.”

A slow smile overcomes her. “Well, we’ll get to that baby.” And Bucky had promised her that they’d try new things, change and grow together, especially after they almost broken up a few months ago. Plus, she claimed it would be fun and that they could leave the second he wanted to. “Wanna see the best part of my outfit?”

“I don’t see how it can get any better.” He says, still half in a trance.

She winks and turns her back to him, momentarily confusing him. And then he sees what he’s supposed to be looking at. In the back of her jeans, right below her ass, are two slashes showing the bottom curve of her ass and a bit of thigh. Bucky reaches forward and jerks her back into his body, lips going to her neck. “We’re staying in.”

Laughing loudly she says, “No, we aren’t.” Y/N grinds her ass back into his crotch. “Oh, baby, are you gonna be okay? Need to take care of that?”

“You’re gonna kill me.” He murmurs before biting at her pulse point. “And I can’t think of a better way to go.”

Sounding a little breathless herself, she asks, “Ready to go?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to restrain myself,” he mutters, hands traveling up her sides, before giving her breasts a hard squeeze. “Shit, Y/N, I-,”

“Go take the edge off and then let’s go. I promise, you’ll have the best night of your life.” She turns and yanks him down by the collar of his shirt, lips ghosting over his, “You’ll be dyin’ to go every weekend.”

Y/N wants to jump Bucky’s bones just as bad. The jeans he’s wearing are hugging his perfect thighs and ass, his crisp white button up unbuttoned just enough to make her want to drool. She pushes her hand through the short chest hairs just barely curling out of the top.

“Let’s go then, baby,” he says to her, smiling because he can see the lust in her eyes too.

 

~

 

It’s surprisingly easy to get into the club, but Y/N supposes Bucky’s stature and resting murder face might have something to do with their easy entrance.

Navigating the crowd is both easy and hard. It’s easy because Bucky can barrel through the crowd without much of a glance at the people around them at all. It’s hard because Bucky glowers at anyone that dares to even glance in Y/N’s direction. She giggles and pulls him along, taking something small and shiny out of her pocket. “What’s that doll?”

“A flask. From Steve. He says its Asgardian and that you’ll be able to feel it.” She wiggles it at him as she shouts over the loud, pulsing music, “I want you to have fun too. That includes a drink or two.”

He takes it, deciding to trust Y/N and let go just this once. He hasn’t detected any threats and he thinks they might be alright. Bucky takes a long swig and laughs when Y/N squeals with delight and bounces off to the bar.

With the warm courage of the alcohol in his blood he follows after her, prepared to give this a chance. Maybe, just maybe, Y/N is right. Maybe he does deserve happiness.

Several drinks later he finds himself on the dance floor with Y/N grinding heavily into him, her ass firmly against his straining erection. There’s something about her and the music and the sway of the other bodies around them in the relative darkness that makes him want her so badly, that makes him want to take her and mark her.

There’re no words to describe the way she moves against him, the way she makes him feel. He feels alive and a little bit drunk and like the world wasn’t as dark and as tainted as he might think it is. It’s not, at least, with Y/N’s light brightening his path, his future. For the first time in decades he can see a future, and it’s a future that he wants bad.

She turns suddenly and locks her fingers together behind his neck, eyes shining brightly. “Having fun yet, sugar?”

“Doll, I’m having a great time.” He murmurs in her ear, jutting his hips forward a little, “Maybe too good with you around.” She reaches between them and palms him through his jeans, no one paying them any attention. He groans low in her ear, burying his face in her neck, cherishing the smell of her perfume on the delicate skin of her throat. And really he can’t help it when he sinks his teeth into the flesh. His hands go to her ass and grip tight as he glares at a man whose gaze has lingered too long. “Someone’s lookin’ at you.”

“Lots of someones looking at both of us,” she says with a giggle. “We’re both so hot.”

He pulls back and shoves his hands into the back pockets of her jeans as he ruts into her core only half subtly, seeking any friction. “Might have to cut this night short. I need my girl that everyone keeps lookin’ at.”

She reaches up and pops one more button open on his shirt before leaning down to press a kiss to his sternum. “We don’t have to go home for that,” she murmurs, grinning mischievously against his skin.   

Before he can say much about it Y/N is pulling away from him and tugging him through the crowd of sweaty bodies, pushing people aside with some unknown strength. He doesn’t know where they’re going or what she’s planning but he’s certainly excited about it.

Miraculously there’s a single person bathroom hidden faraway in the back of the club. Y/N pulls him inside and clicks the lock to occupied, smashing her lips hungrily to his. “Didn’t I tell you this would be fun?” She whispers as her fingers work on unbuttoning his pants.

His head is spinning from the alcohol and her intoxicating presence. He jumps when her fingers wrap around his cock, stroking him slowly. It only makes him hasten to fumble with the button on her jeans, yanking them down and then a thin pair of lacy panties that he knows matches the bra she wears.

A growl rips from his throat as he pulls harshly on the thin material, tearing them from her body. She looks at him wide-eyed, thumb flicking over the tip of his dick. “That was fucking hot.”

“I’m keepin’ ‘em, baby,” he says, backing them into the counter. “Turn around.”

She purrs, “What if I wanna be on my knees for you? Get my mouth around you? Wanna fuck my mouth?” 

“Not tonight, sweet girl,” he says before forcing her to spin around. She comes face to face with the picture of them together in the mirror over the sink. “Look at you. You’re perfect, Y/N. Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

She wiggles her bare ass back into his straining cock, ever playful, “I think I have an idea.”

Bucky takes the hem of her shirt between his fingers and rucks it up above her breasts as he pulls her back against his chest. “Look. Look how beautiful you are.” His nose skims her neck as she meets his eyes in the mirror. He tugs the cups of her bra down, exposing her pert nipples. “I wanna fuck you like this.”

Y/N huffs out a laugh and turns her head to lay a gentle kiss to his cheek. “I want everyone to know.”

Panting, he presses one hand down to her bare cunt as the other kneads at her breasts, pinching and rolling her nipples. “You’re fucking dripping.” She loves his filthy mouth. The usually quiet and polite soldier transforming before her eyes. “Is this all because of me, Y/N? You need me to fuck this little pussy? Tell me, baby.”

A desperate whine leaves her mouth when he pinches her clit and nipple in tandem. She arches into him. “There’s my girl.”

“Fuck, James, please-,”

He shushes her gently. “I’ve got you doll. I’m gonna take good care of my desperate girl. Tell me what you want, baby. I want to hear it from that filthy mouth of yours.”

“I want your cock. Please, Buck, _please_ -,”

With little warning he reaches around to take himself in his hand, thrusting into her none too gently. “God, baby, you’re like velvet around me. Feel so fuckin’ good.” Her groan is cut off when his metal hand wraps around her throat.

For a split second he pauses, meeting her eyes in the dirty mirror, asking with his eyes if this is okay. She nods and reaches up to lay her hand over his, pressing his fingers more firmly down. Her voice scrapes in her throat when she says, “Fuck me.”

He does, setting a brutal pace, his mind only half registering the noises he pulls from her. They’re different from the usual sounds she makes during sex. They’re desperate and wild and choked off. They’re needy and guttural and he wants _more_.

Squeezing her throat tighter he whispers, “Look up. Fucking look at me, baby. Let me see those eyes.” She meets his eyes in the mirror, reaching back to tangle one hand in his hair. She makes a perfect picture. Tits bouncing, eyes fucked out, mouth hanging open, perfect lips painted a delicate shade of red. He reaches around with his other hand to draw quick, tight circles on her clit. “C’mon, Y/N, fucking come baby.”

She only moans and tightens her fingers on his hand wrapped around her throat. “Baby, I won’t last much longer. Come on, Y/N, come for me doll.”

A scream suddenly rips from her mouth as she falls over the edge, pussy contracting around his cock as he spills inside her. He thrusts messily a few more times before stilling inside her. He lets his hand drop from around her neck as he pulls out and away, hurriedly handing her some toilette paper. He watches as she cleans up, tucking his dick back in his pants. “We’re definitely doing this every weekend.”

She laughs and pulls her jeans up, adjusting her bra and shirt. “You’re filthy, Bucky Barnes. And I _love_ it.” Y/N steps closer when her clothes are back in place. “I like that rough side of you.” She draws her hands down his chest, “Maybe we should try it more often.”

He tips her chin up with one finger, glancing over her throat. “I didn’t hurt you? Was it-,”

“Fine. I would have stopped you if I didn’t like it.” She presses her lips to his, swiping her tongue over his bottom lip, tasting the strange Asgardian liquor. “And I _loved_ it.” She nips at his lip as someone starts pounding at the bathroom door. “What did you do with my underwear?”

He pulls them out of his back pocket and presses them momentarily to his nose, inhaling, before tucking them away again. “They’re safe.”

“Dirty fucking man,” she says affectionately. And then she notices the red blush creeping over his face. “Are you _blushing_ after what you just did to me? You’re perfect.” She giggles, reaching up to pat his cheek.

He rolls his eyes and nips at her bottom lip, “Can’t help it, baby. Not with you around.”

As Bucky unlocks the bathroom and strolls back through the throngs of people with his girl, he can’t fathom her trust of him or his change of luck. But as he blatantly checks out her ass in those jeans and the shape of her legs while she wears those heels he decides it doesn’t matter.

He’s been given a second chance at life, a very vibrant one at that, and it doesn’t matter _why_. It just is.

Still, he keeps her close and kisses her often and glowers at anyone that so much as glances at her. She laughs at him for his protectiveness and reminds him that he _is_ the one with her underwear in his pocket.

Later, when they’re on that dance floor again, the beat pulsing through his veins, he whispers dirty things in her ear, making her moan and squirm against him, ass once again rubbing against his uncomfortably hard cock. “Guess we’re gonna have to go home and do it all again. Try some new things. Want me to fuck you again, needy little thing?”

She pulls his head down whispers in his ear that she wants to ride his filthy mouth later. “Shouldn’t talk to a lady that way y’know? Gotta teach you a lesson.” Her voice is a low pant, chest heaving.

It’s a punishment he’ll take gladly, a lesson he’ll deliberately never learn. He thinks this what life is, what happiness is.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your sweet and encouraging comments! I love you guys. It really made my heart so happy. Here’s the other chapter I mentioned.
> 
> ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
> 
> I am by no means giving up on this series. Just taking a little time to gather my thoughts and get my inspiration back.

“Why don’t you want to go see them? They won’t leave me aloneeeeee,” Y/N whines, hanging onto Bucky’s arm.

“I’m already taking you on an ice-cream date. What more do you want from me today?” He grumbles, reaching up with his other hand to tug down his cap.

It’s the first warm day of spring and Y/N had insisted on going out for ice-cream even though it was barely sixty degrees. The sidewalk is crowded with people happy about the warm weather and bright sun in the sky. “Well we won’t go _today_ obviously. But ever since they talked to you on the phone last month they’ve been _dying_ to meet you.”

He doesn’t answer, focused on breathing and not mistakenly attacking anyone on the street who was just trying to enjoy the nice day. He doesn’t like crowds, not able to tell apart enemies from normal people easily. He clutches Y/N’s hand, his spine stiff with anxiety. His eyes dart around, constantly assessing and evaluating.

Someone’s eyes linger on Y/N for too long and he suddenly jerks her into an alleyway, shoving her against the brick of a wall. He cages his arms around her and waits for the threat to pass, breathing hard. Instead of calling him out on the incident when he relaxes and looks ashamed, she presses a hand to his cheek and tilts his face so he’ll meet her eyes. “Unless it’s too early? You don’t want to meet them? Just tell me-,”

“No, Y/N,” his cheeks are pink with embarrassment. “Look at me.”

“I am.” She murmurs, “But I don’t know what you want-,”

He huffs out a breath. “Doll, _look at me_. I’m a goddamn mess. I see threats everywhere. I’m anxious and bad with people and-and-and I can’t even take you out on a date-,”

“Buck,” she whispers. “You usually do a lot better. Today is a bad day. It happens. We can go home.”

“I want to meet your parents,” he rushes out. “Maybe not so soon though.”

She pats his cheek gently, “And that’s okay, sweetheart. They’ll understand. Especially my dad, being a psychologist and all.” Y/N leans forward and presses her lips very gently to his, “When you’re ready, you can. Okay? Do you still want to get ice-cream or do you want to go home?”

“I can get you ice-cream.” He says, now determined to acquire the treat for Y/N.

“Not if you’re uncomfortable.” She runs her thumb over his lips, “There’s always another day, and I know it might not seem like it to you sometimes, but there is. So let’s go home so I can help you relax.” She smirks at him, “And that is better than ice-cream, baby.”

 

~

 

Bucky doesn’t visit Y/N’s parents until they’ve been dating for a year. They go two days after New Year’s.

It’s a long, snowy drive out into rural New York. And when they pull into Y/N’s parents’ driveway and he’s staring at her very normal childhood home he starts to panic. His grip is like iron on the steering wheel and Y/N has to reach over and turn the car off before slowly prying his hands off the wheel. “Buck, you’ve talked to them on the phone so many times. It’s okay. They love you already and there’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“When they see me-,”

“They will think ‘Wow, that’s the handsomest man I’ve ever seen. How in the world did our daughter get so lucky?’” She smiles and lifts his knuckles to her mouth. “And if you’re good I’ll treat you later.”

He relaxes a little. “What’ll we do, baby?”

“I’ll take you on a long, snowy walk and show you all my wonders from my childhood. And then when we’re finished we’ll drink hot chocolate in my room and snuggle. And if you’re really lucky, I’ll let you do filthy things to me.”

Bucky leans over and kisses her softly, “You have no idea how much you mean to me, baby.”

“Are you ready to go look my parents in the eyes? Thinking about my mouth around your cock? Thinking about fucking me so hard-,”

He groans, “Oh, fuck, Y/N. C’mon. How am I-,”

She just laughs at his red cheeks and gets out of the car. Almost immediately she leans down and says, “Can you come get me? I’m going to fall.”

Bucky chuckles as he gets out of the car and walks around to take her arm. “You’re so sweet and clumsy.”

A glare is sent his way as they move toward the house slowly, “Baby, you’re walking a dangerous line. I have a twin bed in my room but maybe the floor would be better for you.”

He chuckles and sweeps her off her feet, carrying her to the front porch where her parents have opened the front door and are smiling out at the two of them. Bucky climbs the few steps from the sidewalk to the porch slowly, afraid of what’ll happen when he sets Y/N on her feet and has to speak to her parents.

As soon as he’s let her down she bounces over to her parents, only tripping once along the way but retaining her balance, and hugs them. His throat closes. He can’t do this. They’ll look at him and realize what a monster he is, wondering what lapse of judgement led them to think he might be suitable for their daughter.

But then Y/N’s father looks over and holds out a hand, “We’ve been wondering when we’d get to meet you in person.” Bucky’s eyes flit to Y/N who has a soft look on her face. She gives an encouraging little nod.

But he’s frozen and confused by her father’s warm voice and Y/N’s mother’s kind, concerned eyes. “I baked pie. Would you like some pie?” Her mother asks.

He snaps his mouth shut and looks over, inclining his head he says, “Yes, ma’am. That sounds wonderful.”

“Aren’t you just a peach?” She says happily, looking over at Y/N. “He’s a sweetheart isn’t he? I told you Y/N the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

“We’ve been learning to cook together,” she says, not looking away from Bucky. “And he is a sweetheart, down to his very core.”

He feels better suddenly and reaches out to shake her father’s hand. “Nice to finally meet you, sir.” Her father chuckles and jerks him forward, slapping Bucky on the back as he hugs him.

“I’m glad you’re both finally here.”

 

~

 

Y/N giggles and lifts her cup of coffee to take a sip. “Your mother has finally found someone she can feed infinitely,” her father says from beside her. They’re watching Bucky devour food from the kitchen island. He’s still at the dining table in the next room eating and chatting with Y/N’s mother.

“It’s the serum. He eats enough for five people most days,” she says with an affectionate roll of her eyes. Y/N says most days because there are those terrifying days when he can’t manage to eat anything.

“Perfect for your mother then. I’ve always said she’s been trying to fatten me up all these years, so Bucky might frustrate her a little.”

She chuckles, “I guess he is perfect for mom. And I don’t think it’s possible for him to gain weight unless it’s muscle, which is more than a little irritating.”

“Then you better keep bringing him around.” He pauses and meets his daughter’s eyes, “He’s incredibly well adjusted considering-,”

“ _Dad_!” She hisses under her breath. “You said you wouldn’t psychoanalyze him!”

He holds up his hands in defeat. “I’m just saying, I think you have a real catch. He’s the first one you’ve brought home too, strangely enough.”

“He’s the only one that’s been worth it.” Y/N isn’t looking at her dad anymore but at Bucky’s broad shoulders and the way they shake as he laughs at something her mother just said. “He’s…He’ll deny it. He’ll say I’m the only one that thinks it. He’ll say that I’m an anomaly but he’s something special. There’s an unbreakable spirit in him that I just…I can’t stay away from. But you know that,” she says, turning to him and smiling. “You know how I feel. You looked at me and knew.”

He smiles, “What kinda dad would I be if I didn’t? But honestly hon, you gave it away by bringing him here, by telling us about him on the phone. We only heard about the others when you broke up with them.”

“Couldn’t help it,” she says with a smile. “I really couldn’t have if I tried.”

He father wraps an arm around her shoulders and kisses the side of her head. “I know. You go all in. You get that from me. It’s all or nothing. You knew with the others that they weren’t it.”

Bucky turns to look for her then, a worried crease between his brows. His eyes land on her and his eyes soften, the anxious line smoothing out. A hesitant smile pulls at his lips. “I promised to take him on a walk. The city is sometimes hard for him with the noise and the people. I told him it would be different here.”

Her father nods knowingly. “I’ll get you a thermos.”

“Dad?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

She hesitates for a second, fingers twisting together, before she launches herself at him, hugging tightly. “Thanks for understanding. Us. Him. Me. He was really worried and now he knows it’s not just me and the Avengers that finds him lovable.”

He just pats her back and smiles.

 

~

 

Five minutes later Bucky and Y/N are heading out into the snowy countryside, armed with a thermos of hot chocolate and a small paper bag of cookies.

The cookies are tucked inside Y/N’s coat pocket while the thermos is between Bucky’s gloved hands. For a while they walk in silence, the snow muffling everything around them. They both let the silence last, both needing it after being in the crowded, noisy city for so long. When they’ve walked a significant distance through ice covered trees and snow starts to drift down on them Bucky looks over and says, “You’re parents are great.” It comes out in a wild rush, the syllables almost tripping over one another in his mouth.

She’s about to answer when he continues, “I didn’t expect warmth once they finally met me in person. I expected…tolerance and distain at the very best.”

Trying to hide her smile, she reaches out and takes the thermos from his hands. She unscrews the lid and takes a sip before she begins telling him about her childhood exploits through the very forest where they walked. She regales him in tales of wonder and adventure, and life doesn’t seem so bad.

He thinks he could get used to this. Walking with Y/N through these forests in the winter, their children shouting and sprinting ahead of them. He imagines a small, warm cottage with Y/N. He imagines settling down and having a quiet domestic life with her. It’s something that shouldn’t be possible for him. It’s something he shouldn’t even be able to fathom.

Bucky looks over and imagines her belly swollen with his child, even though he knows it’s nothing more than an unattainable fantasy. He imagines a small diamond glittering on her hand beneath her glove.      

It’s a lot. He knows that and he’d never say any of it to Y/N. It’s probably too early, they’ve almost only been together a year but goddammit if he doesn’t _want_ it.

Y/N is his good luck charm. When she’s near his fortune only improves. He looks at her then and feels shame, remembering how he nearly pushed her away for good. He remembers how she thought he’d been too cowardly to face her and break it off, and instead had cheated and hoped she’d figure it out.

“Bucky?” She stops him and puts a curled finger beneath his chin. “Why’re you looking at me like that? You look like you might throw up.”

He shakes his head and leans into her touch. “I just don’t want to ever lose you.”

“You won’t. I’m here.”

“Almost did though, didn’t I?” He asks, reaching up to take her hand and hold it against his skin. “God, Y/N, maybe it’s too much of me to say but…darlin’ I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ll admit that I’m wrapped around your finger. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. For us. You make me want to keep going.”

There’s a tenderness in her eyes that sometimes appears when he’s being particularly sweet and doesn’t realize it. Warmth begins pooling in his cheeks as she keeps staring at him. “You know I love you, right?”

He chuckles and ducks his head, “You tell me all the time, baby. I don’t see how I couldn’t know it.” She moves her hand out from underneath his, tracing his jaw fondly before she leans forward to press a small kiss to his lips. Her lips are like ice against his and his shoulder is starting to ache and so Bucky kisses her forehead briefly before he tells her they should head back, winter’s early darkness falling around them.

She giggles at him, “You’re such a worrywart. We’re okay out here, James. No one can touch us here.” When he starts to say something she just laughs and runs, “You gotta catch me to nag me, Barnes!”

They both know he could catch her easily, almost without any effort on his part, but he still darts after her and lets her stay ahead of him right up until she gets to her parents’ front yard. She had stumbled nearly the whole way there in her clumsiness.

Her parents’ car is gone and so Bucky tackles her to the ground, covering both of them in snow. She gasps and looks up at him with betrayal in her eyes. “How-,” she grabs a fistful of snow and stuffs it down the back of his shirt, “- _dare_ you.”

Laughing, he leans down to kiss her and only meets more snow. “Aw, doll, c’mon,” he leans down and presses a kiss to her neck, hot tongue following shortly after. “Don’t be mad.”

She lets out an exaggerated huff. “Maybe I’ll forgive you. But I’m very cold and uncomfortable now and I don’t know if I can.”

“What’s your price, love? I’ll give you anything you want.”

“Warmth. Maybe a little bit of love.”

“I can give you both.” He says, really not minding the icy coldness for once in his life, not with Y/N’s hands on his cheeks and pressing down to his neck. “How would you like to receive it?”

She hums and brushes some ice from his hair as he hovers over her. “More hot chocolate.”

“Check.”

“A hot shower with you.”

“Done and done.”

“And a kiss.”

He pouts, “Just a kiss?”

“You really wanna fuck me in my childhood home?”

“A little bit. You’re parents aren’t here.” He leans down to kiss her softly, “Don’t want to baby?”

“Are you kidding? Of course I want to!” She laces her fingers together behind his neck and rolls so he’s underneath her, heaping mound after mound of fluffy snow onto him.

 

~

 

Bucky does all the things he promised to do. He makes her hot chocolate and takes a warm shower with her. She had asked about his shoulder, no small amount of concern laced in her voice as he murmured, “Its fine. I’m fine. I’ve had worse.”

Telling Y/N he’s had worse doesn’t exactly help soothe her worry and so he ends up getting hot towels placed along the metal and flesh seam of his shoulder before she had given him a massage. The massage had quickly turned dirty, especially when the front door had opened and closed, her parents’ voices echoing up the stairs.

He had slid between her legs and spread her heat open to him, lips wrapping around her clit, teasing her relentlessly. Now he looks up at her, watches her pant desperately, her wide eyes staring down at him. “Baby,” he murmurs, lips pressing to the side of her knee, her legs thrown over his shoulders. “I have a challenge for you.”

“Uh huh?” Is all she’s able to ask as he lazily runs his fingers up and down her folds, coating them with her wetness.

“You’re not allowed to come,” he says making her eyes snap to his. “And we don’t want to get caught do we? So no making noise either.”

She lets out a whine. “Are you teasing me?” He doesn’t answer, only presses his hot tongue to her and tastes her juices, swiping back and forth over her wet cunt. “I’m not allowed to c-come at all?” Her voice is disappointed and desperate. “That’s not fun, that’s torture. I always let _you_ come-,”

Bucky chuckles, his cheeks a delicate shade of pink, “’Course I will. But only when I say and only if you stay quiet.”

“Do you want me to _beg_ or something?” She asks, absolutely desperate to come.

“No,” he says softly. “I want you to stay quiet.” And then he lowers his mouth to her and doesn’t let up.

Bucky eats her out like a man dying. He eats her out like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do. And the only thing she can do is wither above him, silent and needy, not one to back down from a challenge.

She almost gasps when Bucky presses one finger inside her, arching up against his hand. “You wanna come, doll?” He asks. Her thighs are shaking as sweat beads over her body. “C’mon, you can tell me.” Still she says nothing and Bucky chuckles. “Baby,” he murmurs against her heat before making his tongue a sharp point and swirling it over her clit. “You’re gonna be good for me aren’t you and wait ‘til I say?”

Convulsing and clenching her thighs harder she glares down at him. “No, you’re just stubborn.” He chuckles, curling his finger against the spot inside her that makes her release just the slightest tight whimper. “Oh, baby,” he says. “You’re holding back so well for me.”

Suddenly she reaches out and grips his hair, pulling his head back from her as her legs quiver. He laughs again, “I can feel you clenching, doll.” She tugs on his hair hard, begging him with her eyes. He brushes his lips along her thigh to the crease of her leg and hip. His mouth just brushes her wet folds before he whispers, “Come for me, baby.”

She gasps when he sucks harshly at her, his tongue swiping down to press at her entrance. She releases against his face, covering her mouth with one hand. “Oh fuck…” she whispers. “Oh, fuck, oh my god.”

“Shhh, you’re alright.” His chin and mouth glisten with her release.

“Suppose,” she says, panting heavily. “Suppose you want me to suck you off now, you f-fucker.”

He pulls himself up her body, watching her eyes hungrily devour his muscles, before he leans down and pecks her lips, his tongue entering her mouth and tangling with hers. “One kiss,” he says when they’re both breathless, “And now I’ve done everything I promised I would.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I can’t stay away from this story...........so.......
> 
> Thanks for reading, lovelies ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> Let me know what you think!❤️❤️

Y/N is freaking out. She doesn’t know what to do, where to turn. Her fingers spasm around the small plastic stick in her hands. It can’t be right. She and Bucky are always so careful. She’s on birth control and very rarely did they go without a condom. She can’t be-

She feels sick suddenly. What would Bucky say?

He won’t want it. He won’t want _her_ anymore. Tears spring to Y/N’s eyes as she begins to pace the bathroom floor, her heart pounding wildly in her ears. Running a hand through her hair she decides to go to the pharmacy and get another test. She had only bought one the first time around, thinking it silly that she was even doing so in the first place, because there was _no fucking way_ that she might be-

But apparently there is a chance.

She runs a hand over her hair again before swiping the tears away from her cheeks and straightening her shirt. Everything will be _fine_. She can handle anything thrown at her, _anything_. She _will_ figure something out, but first she has to be sure.

Y/N marches out of the bathroom to her bedroom to gather her coat and purse. She stuffs the offending pregnancy test into her coat pocket and starts toward the front door. Then she hears someone cursing and something hitting the floor outside the door. A key rattles ominously in the lock, and then the door swings open to reveal a frustrated looking Bucky Barnes.

He looks up and meets her eyes, a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth, irritation disappearing at the mere sight of his girl. “Hey, baby.” Depositing the bags in his hands on the counter he says, “Going somewhere?” His back is turned to her as he sticks out a foot and pushes the front door closed, not seeing the panic written on her face. “I was hoping we could stay in. I picked up some stuff for us, as well as a new recipe to try. Oh, and I got some bath stuff I know you like. I also saw this book that reminded me of you and so I picked that up too. I think I spent too much money but it’ll all be worth it when I get to see what you can do with this can of whipped cream.” His thoughtfulness makes her want to cry, she loves him so much.

Finally, he stops rambling, the tension in the room suddenly licking up his spine. Bucky turns, frowning in concern, “Are you okay, doll? You’re never this quiet-,”

“I’m pregnant,” she blurts out, tears blurring her eyes as she starts to pace again. “O-or I might be. I dunno. I got this test and I peed on it and it says yes. But there’s only this one test and sometimes you get a false positive. And I don’t know how you might feel about it. But I don’t want you to leave or hate me if I want to keep it. I don’t know if I want to keep it I-,”

Bucky walks around the kitchen island and stops her pacing and frantic speech. He takes her hands between his for a moment before releasing them so he can cradle her face between his palms. He swipes her tears away with his thumbs and says, “You aren’t.”

“I’m not what?”

“Pregnant.”

She frowns, not understanding him. Was he telling her to get rid of it? “I don’t understand. What are you saying-,”

Bucky brings her closer, pressing his forehead to hers as he moves his arms to wrap around her waist. “You know that Hydra did a lot of shit to me.”

“Yes.”

“You know that some of it was because it was fun for them.” Her bottom lip trembles as she pulls back to look into his eyes, one hand going to his jaw. “But some things they did out of necessity.” She still looks confused and so he sighs and closes his eyes, leaning into her touch. “I…I don’t think I have that ability anymore, doll. I can’t get people pregnant.”

She takes a moment to process that information. Slowly she says, “But I’m late. I’m never late.”

“You are this time,” he murmurs quietly, not opening his eyes.

“Are you sure you can’t?” She asks, running her thumb against his lips softly.

He sighs and tightens his arms around her, finally meeting her eyes. “Pretty sure. I’ve never been tested but-,”

“So there’s a chance.”

“Small. A tiny, tiny chance. Maybe. But most likely, baby…I can’t get you or anyone else pregnant.” His cheeks are pink as he says it, embarrassment spreading over his face.  

She’s silent for a moment, calm now that she has Bucky next to her. Her fingers trace the warm skin of his cheeks, catching on the small amount of scruff he’d allowed to accumulate. “I want to be sure. Because if you can’t then I’m definitely not pregnant and we don’t have to worry about it.”

Sighing, he pulls her close and kisses the top of her head. “Okay. I’m sure Bruce or Dr. Cho can help us.”

“Bucky, if you think you can’t…then why have we been using condoms? You can’t catch anything if I _did_ have a disease. So by default you aren’t able to give me anything…so why?”

He’s gone strangely still and stiff against her, not answering and keeping his nose buried against her hair. “Well it isn’t exactly something you bring up at the beginning of a relationship,” he says, pulling back to swipe away the wet trails still left on her skin. “And then…now…I mean I dunno. I don’t wanna push you away by mentioning it. Either by making you think I want children right that second or by finding out you do want kids someday and that I won’t be able to give them to you.”

Y/N hooks her fingers around his wrists. “We’re getting to that point, I think. Maybe that’s something we should address.” She pats his hand and pulls away, “But first you should get tested. I want to be sure I’m not pregnant.”

Bucky puts the groceries he had bought away while Y/N cleans herself up, anxiety clawing at his stomach and the backs of his eyes. God, what if she didn’t want him anymore? Hydra had taken so much from him and they still might be taking Y/N from him, though indirectly.

She holds his hand on the way to the Tower though, squeezing tightly every so often. When they pass by a pharmacy Y/N runs in and picks up two more tests, showing Bucky the small boxes they come in.

Once at the Tower Bucky and Y/N go right to the labs. They explain themselves to Bruce and then to Dr. Cho. Bucky looks nervous and embarrassed and so Y/N stands half in front of him and holds his hand carefully within hers. “I just want to know,” she finishes briskly. “For both of us.”

Then he’s told they’ll need a semen sample, which makes him turn bright red. Bruce looks at him with sympathy and tells Bucky that they’ll also require a blood sample, which make his stomach lurch uncomfortably.

Y/N stays with him and clutches his hand as they draw blood, her other hand smoothing up and down his spine. “I’m here, baby,” she whispers in his ear, doing her best to keep him in the present and away from whatever is swimming in his mind.

Then they go back to Bucky’s old room so he might acquire said semen sample. Y/N goes to the bathroom to take the other pregnancy tests. It’s embarrassing to say that least, to have to jerk himself off while his girlfriend is in the next room taking a pregnancy test. Although having her help him through it might not be the best choice either. It isn’t exactly his most shining moment, and may be even be a completely humiliating one.

He’s just finished when Y/N emerges from the bathroom. She shakes her head at him and says, “You better go deliver that.”

“What did the test say?” He asks, pulling up his pants and screwing on a lid to the small, degrading jar he’d been handed.

“They both say no,” she says quietly.

Bucky tells himself she doesn’t sound disappointed but he isn’t quite sure.

 

~

 

A few days later Bucky comes back from the Tower and collapses onto the couch next to her. She’s curled up under a blanket watching a movie on TV. Bucky takes her feet and puts them in his lap, massaging her feet and calves. She’d gotten a new pair of heels and has been trying to break them in and so he knows she must be sore.

“So?” She asks carefully.

He pats her knee and shakes his head. “Guess we don’t need to worry about spending money on condoms anymore.”

“Are you okay?”

“I always knew, Y/N. This isn’t new to me.”

“But now it’s real.”

He doesn’t say anything, just clenches his jaw and stares at the wall beside the television. “Is it time we talk about it then?” His voice is almost defensive and definitely hard.

“Are you mad at me?”

Glancing over he finds her with concern written over her face and he sighs. “No, no, doll, I’m not. I…It’s just one more thing that’s broken about me that affects you.”

Y/N throws the blanket off her body and climbs into his lap, using him as a heat source instead. “In a few short months we’ll be coming up on being together for two years. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than a month or two because I realize it isn’t real or that I’m bored. If you think something like this is going to make me change my mind about you then you’re crazy-,”

“Be honest with me Y/N. Do you want children?”

“I can honestly say I’ve never thought about it. If you don’t believe me you can call my mother and ask.” She puts her hands on his cheeks and forces him to look her in the eyes. “Do you?”

He keeps his gaze locked on hers as he tries to decide how to answer. Eventually he says, “I did before the war. And then it seemed less important when the war started and I got drafted. After though, when I first came to the Tower, I thought there was nothing I deserved less than love or a family.” Bucky looks away, “I…when we went to your parents’ house at the beginning of this year. For New Years-,”

“I remember Buck.” She smiles at him and nods. “It’s okay.”

He takes one of her hands from his cheek and presses a kiss to her knuckles. “I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this. But, I imagined living there with you, somewhere safe and quiet, with a couple of kids.” There’s a sharp intake of breath from her before he continues, “I thought about what you might look like pregnant.” Bucky shakes his head, “But that isn’t something that can ever happen, at least not with me. I knew that then but now I know for sure.”

“Doesn’t matter to me, Buck. As long as I have you I’m happy.”

Pressing his nose to her neck he takes a long inhale and wraps his arms around her waist. “Thank you.”

“If you really wanted to we could figure something out. But for now I’m okay with it just being the two of us.” She pauses and strokes his hair back gently, looking into his eyes. “When I saw that false positive my first worry was that I would lose you, that you might not want me or that we’d be driven apart deciding what to do. My first fear was losing you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. If that were a possibility and you were unexpectedly pregnant…I’d be right by your side. I would be right there with you.” He pulls her close and kisses her forehead. “I’ll always be here as long as you want me to be.” Bucky meets her eyes and says, “But Y/N, with me you’ll never have-,”

“Let’s not worry about that just yet,” she says, nipping at his bottom lip. “Shouldn’t you just be happy that you get to come in me all the time now?”

With scarlet cheeks he tips his head forward to kiss her neck. “You’re the devil.”

“I’m your devil and I’m happy being with you. Just you.” She tips his chin up with one finger. “I love you. You are enough and if we stay together and if children are something we want then we’ll figure something out. You aren’t less because of this. You’re precious and perfect and mine.”

Feeling rather smothered by love he kisses her again and murmurs, “How did I get so lucky?”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter takes place earlier in their relationship when Bucky first invites the reader to start going to galas. So way way way before he proposes at one. 
> 
> After this I think I’m going to start getting into their married life. Let me know if you have any ideas or thoughts about that! I’m really open to suggestions for this story as long as it sorta fits it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and let me know what you think! I love you guys. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

“What d’ya think of this one, baby?” Y/N asks from her place beside Bucky on the couch.

Bucky glances over the dress Y/N has pulled up on her computer screen. “It’s nice, Y/N.” She pouts at him, watching as his leg jitters nervously.

Y/N reaches over and puts her hand on his knee. “You okay? Was I supposed to say no to this proposition?” She glances back at her computer, “I like dressing up, Buck. You should have hinted at what I was supposed to say.”

“No, Y/N, it’s not that. I…I’m-,” he cuts himself off and pushes his arm behind her back. “Show me that dress again, doll.”

“You’re what?” She asks, leaning close as her fingers dance up the inside of his thigh. Her lips ghost over the shell of his ear, “What? Adorable. Lovely. Handsome-,”

He shakes his head and turns to meet her lips in a slow kiss. Y/N’s fingers find the waistband of his jeans as she tugs at the button and zipper. Bucky quickly cups his fingers around her wrist as he pulls back to say, “I’m not good at these parties or galas or whatever. I’m bad at being social. I don’t like people most of the time. I asked you because the team wants you there.”

“Oh,” she says quietly. “ _You_ don’t want me there.”

His leg begins bouncing against the floor again. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to protect you there. I can’t…something can’t happen to you Y/N. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you. There are always so many people I don’t know and-,”

“Hey,” she says, patting his cheek. “It’ll be okay. I promise. And…what if I gave you some incentive?”

He meets her eyes carefully, “What sorta incentive?”

Y/N giggles and leans forward to kiss him. “Let me show you, baby.” She pulls back and clicks to a different tab on her computer. His eyes widen comically as he takes in the large amounts of lingerie displayed on the screen. “Pick something. And we’ll make it our tradition. Every gala you can pick something for me.” She leans forward and whispers in his ear, “Then you’ll have something else to think about. Like what you might do to me later.”

“Jesus, Y/N, you’re gonna kill me sweetheart.” He says, taking the laptop from her as she folds her legs over his lap. “Christ, they have a lot of options now.”

As he’s distracted by the models on the screen Y/N reaches over and rubs his half hard cock through his jeans. He jolts as she whispers, “So what d’ya think?”

“I, uh, well-,”

“Maybe something simple. Don’t wanna shock an old man, might be too much for your heart to handle.”

She finally gets her hand inside his jeans, giggling as he growls. “Y/N-,”

“What’re you picking, Buck?” Y/N whispers. “That one’s nice. Open cups. Ooo, and crotch-less panties. You wouldn’t even have to take it off me.”

As she latches onto his neck he hisses. She flicks her thumb over the tip of his cock. “You like something better then?”

He slams the laptop shut and quickly puts it on the coffee table. Y/N finds herself on her back, Bucky’s mouth against hers. “Sweetheart, I’m a simple man. Maybe I want you naked under whatever pretty dress you pick out.” He pulls back to look into her eyes, grinding his hips slowly against hers. Y/N whines and thrusts her hips up to meet his.

“No,” she whispers, panting against his mouth. “Maybe I’ll get a tiny little dress. And I’ll wear those heels that make my legs look so good. I know how much you love them.” One hand circles his cock again as a blush spreads up his neck. “And since you want me wearing nothing _underneath_ then when I’d bend over-,”

“I know what I want you to wear, doll. No one gets to see you but me. And there’ll be no bending over,” he growls as he pulls her leg over his hip and gives her thigh a light swat. “You’re mine, baby.”

She rakes her fingers up his stomach under his shirt, tweaking his nipples lightly before pulling him into a kiss. “Of course I am. Now fuck me.” He’s red as a tomato but pulls back and scoops her up.

 

~

 

A few weeks later at the end of their first gala together they’re both panting, and its pitch dark. Bucky’s teeth latch onto her neck as they stumble toward the bed. Y/N giggles when she flops back against the bed. “Galas are fun, right baby?”

“So fun,” he says sarcastically, reaching over to flick on the bedside light. He immediately rucks up Y/N’s dress to her hips, hands grazing her thighs. “You gonna keep this dress, doll?”

“What would you do if I said no?”

Her dress is suddenly split up the side, the material ripping easily in his hands, Y/N’s new lingerie suddenly exposed to him. “Oh, fuck, Y/N. You look so beautiful, baby. I won’t rip this. I want to fuck you while you wear it.” She’s wearing a simple black lace bra and panties with a matching garter belt and stockings. It’s simple but sexy and he fucking loves it, just what he picked out. 

“Quit gawkin’ and fuck me.” She pouts, “And I liked that dress.”

They’re in Bucky’s room at the Tower for the night, Y/N’s overnight bag having been dropped there earlier. “I like to gawk at my pretty baby,” he says as he adjusts them on the bed. Bucky’s on his knees as he pulls away Y/N’s tattered dress, her legs draped around his hips. He hurriedly yanks off his clothing, never taking his eyes off the sight of Y/N’s legs covered in stockings, the delicately lacy garter belt helping hold them up. She still has her heels on.

She spreads her legs a little wider and says, “Look. Crotch-less. Which you’d notice if you looked at anything but my legs.”

“I was getting there.”

“Oh were you?”

“Yeah.” He reaches forward and presses one finger through her wet folds. “Such a pretty pussy, darlin’.”

She sits up and unhooks her bra, impatience overcoming her. Grabbing his large flesh hand she cups it over her breast and forces his fingers into a squeeze. “I want your pretty cock in my pretty pussy, please.”

With his metal hand he pinches her other nipple, hard enough to make her whimper and hiss before she moans as his hands knead her breasts more softly than before. “But I want something from you first baby.”

“What d’ya want, Buck? I’ll give you anything,” she says, leaning forward to press her hot tongue over his chest. She flicks her tongue over his salty skin, looking up at him with innocent eyes. Kissing higher she lets her mouth close over one nipple, teeth grazing the sensitive skin. “Tell me,” she begs him. “Tell me, please. I want your cock.”

“Tell me where you want it.”

She sits up further until she’s on her knees too, pressing soft kisses along his collarbone. “My pussy, baby.”

He shakes his head and reaches behind her to lie a stinging slap to her ass. “No.”

“M-my mouth? Want to fuck my filthy mouth?”

He caresses the round flesh of her ass, before reaching up to trace her jaw. When his thumb presses against her bottom lip she opens her mouth and takes his finger into her mouth, swirling her tongue expertly against his skin. He doesn’t even have to answer her as she pushes him back and slides between his legs.

She doesn’t pause as she rids him of his boxers and takes him into her mouth. “Fuck you look so good,” he whispers, tangling one hand in her hair. Y/N purrs against his cock, swirling her tongue over him before taking him deeper into her throat. “You’re so good, Y/N.” He never lasts long when Y/N sucks his dick and so sooner than he’d like he has to make her pull away. He could get off on the sounds alone as she takes him deep in her throat. Sloppily, he kisses her lips before pulling back and swiping saliva away from her chin.

“I wasn’t finished,” she murmurs.

“But I was about to in your mouth and I wanna see you ride my dick with those heels on.”

“You’re mouthy tonight,” she says between wet kisses to his lips. “I fucking like it. I love it when you get like this.”

Then she presses a very careful kiss to his forehead before straddling his hips. “Help me out, baby,” she says. He chuckles, pink from exertion and from the sweet kiss against his forehead. Bucky takes his cock in his hand, giving a few careful strokes as his other hand goes to her waist. He guides her down until she’s fully seated. A low groan passes her lips, her eyes rolling back in ecstasy.

He smirks at her before smacking her thigh, making her eyes snap open and meet his. “C’mon, doll, move. I want you to fuck me.” She lets out a whine and wiggles her hips, beginning a slow pace. He moans and snaps the straps of her garters. “C’mon, sweetheart, I thought you wanted my cock? You can do better than that.”

Gripping a fistful of her ass Bucky chuckles as she increases her pace, bracing her hands on his chest. “Tell me what to do, Buck,” she pants. “Tell me what you want.”

He reaches between them and rubs her clit gently, “Faster, Y/N. Take your pleasure, baby, give me mine.”

Y/N moans and lifts her hips before dropping them back down, taking him faster and harder, riding him hard. Bucky slips one hand up her torso and squeezes her breast again, massaging gently, his other hand is still rubbing her clit. “You gonna come, baby? Squeezing me so good, doll. C’mon, Y/N. You’re so fucking tight and wet.”

Her hips start to stutter, her eyes rolling back again. “Yes.”

“Go ahead, doll, come for me,” he growls. Her walls clench tight around him when she finds her release. He plants his feet against the bed and thrusts up into her, matching her for each push of her hips. Eventually she slumps against his chest and sighs heavily. “Good girl,” he murmurs, still thrusting into her as he cradles her back with large hands.

“Baby,” she murmurs against his neck, beginning to grind back against him again. “Come on, Buck. Come for me.”

“Shit,” he growls, flipping them over and pulling out as he sits up on his knees. She reaches forward and strokes his cock. “Fuck, baby, make me come.” Y/N meets his eyes and jerks him faster until he lets out a sudden shout and comes on her stomach. He collapses against her smearing his come between them. “Y/N,” he kisses her forehead. “Y/N, my sweet girl.”

“You’re come is all over us.” She’s laughing, her whole body shaking. “Honestly. Filthy,” she jokes.

He nuzzles against her temple. “Couldn’t help it, doll.”

She just giggles and pulls him back to her, kissing his sweaty hair as she strokes his cheek. “Can I take these heels off?”

“Yes, baby.” He rolls over and watches as she gets up and strips out of the rest of her lingerie and heels. Naked, she walks to the en suite. Bucky listens, hears a toilette flush and water running before she returns with a washcloth. She swipes away his come from his chest that had smeared there and climbs back in bed.

She tosses the cloth away and kisses his cheek. “So, galas?”

“Best thing Stark’s ever made me go to.” Bucky nips at her bottom lip. “We’re making this a tradition, right babydoll?”

Nuzzling close to him, eyes drooping, she murmurs, “Yes. Of course. Especially if you growl like that.”

“I do not growl.”

“You do. And it’s cute. And I love it. But also you get very possessive.”

Bucky kisses her again and murmurs, “It’s not possessiveness. It’s me looking for threats that aren’t there. But there are so many people and its loud and-,”

She can hear his heart pounding harder and harder in anxiety with her ear pressed against his chest. “It’s okay Buck. You did fine. I was just messing with you. You’re so cute and lovable that it makes up for everything. I don’t mind it either way.”

“You think I’m lovable?”

“’Course I do, baby.”

He kisses the top of her head. “New tradition,” he murmurs. “I like it. You looked very beautiful tonight. You always look so beautiful.”

A slow smiles spreads over her face as their breathing starts to even out. His lips are still against her forehead as she starts to fall asleep, fingers trailing up and down her arms. She thinks he might be humming a soft, sad tune when she finally drops off.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place when they've only been together a few months. (Does it help if I put these here?)
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think! <3

“I’ll be home at midnight, I promise Buck,” she murmurs, bending over to adjust the ankle strap of her heel. She straightens, smoothing out nonexistent wrinkles from her dress, and glances at him, but he must look sufficiently worried because she reaches forward and takes his face between her palms. She strokes her thumbs over his cheekbones before pulling him down so she can press a kiss to his forehead. “And I know I promised to stay in but I also promised my co-workers that I would go out with them tonight.” Y/N murmurs against his skin, closing her eyes and reveling in the feel of his warm skin.

Bucky shakes his head as she releases him and moves toward the bathroom. He follows behind her and leans in the doorway. “I know. And I want you to go. I don’t want to hold you back from doing fun things. I…just…worry a lot, and I can’t really help it. I panic when things go awry as they so often do when people drink.” He doesn't say that he worries for her safety. He doesn't say he worries some horrible harm will come to her. He doesn't say he's terrified of losing her. 

Because that would all be _too much_. Normal people, he reminds himself, don't think about these things, worry about these things.

She smiles at him before swiping on some red lipstick in the mirror above the sink. “I know, Buck. But you don't have to worry. I'll be okay. I always am. And I’m sorry I double booked. If it’s any conciliation I would much rather be snuggled up here with you. I would always much rather be with you.”

Earlier in the week they had made plans together to stay in and watch movies and cuddle, Bucky’s choice. Because they would usually go out on a Friday night if it was Y/N’s choice. Not that Bucky hasn’t learned to love those times too but he would much rather be in the apartment than anywhere else.

“I would much rather that too,” he says quietly. “But I know you’ll have fun and I’ll be here when you get home.”

Again she presses a hand to each of his cheeks and says, “You’re perfect.” Y/N’s thumbs pass gently over his jaw. “How did you find me? How do I deserve such a precious-,”

“Alright,” he says, a blush spreading up his neck. “I think it’s time for you to go.”

Instead of letting go of him, she winds her arms around his neck and hugs him close. Bucky instantly reciprocates, enjoying the warm strength she offers him without hesitation. They haven’t been together all that long but he’s already very attached to her. He had been looking forward to their night together, his muscles curled tight with fatigue and anxiety. Y/N soothed it all away with her very presence, and she’d been so busy the past week that they hadn’t gotten much time together. He’s come to rely a lot on her soft touch, knowing her hands would always be soft and gentle, that hers was a touch he could always trust. 

Maybe he should try to explain that to her…

But she’s pulling away and pressing her thumb over his bottom lip. Her gaze lingers on his for a moment, a longing in her eyes, before she leans forward and kisses his bottom lip very carefully. “Bye, baby.” She smiles and bounces out of the bathroom. He listens to her grab her bag and then her heels clicking toward the front door. 

“Midnight?” He calls, suddenly faced with the picture of himself alone in the mirror above her sink. His throat tightens and he looks away. He doesn’t know the person in the mirror anymore. Sometimes he can’t recognize himself. Loss fills him for a moment. Loss for his past life, loss for the young, handsome soldier he used to be, loss for a time he'll never get back. The pain is sharp, acute. He must be very selfish to saddle someone like Y/N with a subconscious like his. He must be selfish to think he could ever deserve the light and love she offers so easily. 

“Midnight!” She calls back happily, unaware of what she's leaving behind.

 

~

 

Midnight comes and goes and the tension lying along his spine only spikes as time goes on. She doesn’t call or text to let him know she’ll be late. There’s no contact at all. His mind flashes to the very worst possibilities. Each minute she’s not in the apartment is another minute his anxiety seems to increase. Anything could have happened, _anything._ But he tells himself to calm down, not to panic, that there's no reason to panic. _Yet._

Around three in the morning there’s a knock on the front door. Readying himself for a fight he pulls out a knife and glances through the peephole. But it’s just Y/N, another girl holding her up. Relief douses him instantly, feeling like he's finally able to breathe properly after hours and hours being submerged in worry and self-doubt. He puts the blade on the counter out of sight. 

He opens the door and is nearly knocked to the floor when Y/N launches herself at him. “Baby!” She smells like a bar and is very clearly intoxicated. Her lips go to his throat, kissing a hot line from below his ear to his collarbone.

The other girl squints at him and then at something on her phone, “Are you Barney?”

“Bucky.”

“Oh, yeah, _Bucky,_ sorry. I’m delivering your girlfriend. Bye,” she turns, seemingly finished with the conversation, and stumbles down the hall as Y/N nips at his neck. She whines at him, begging for his attention. 

Something scratches at his conscience though. The other girl is alone and slightly drunk and its late. Her figure blurs with the silhouette of a woman from the 40's, someone he used to know. “Do you need help getting home?” He calls after her. “I can-,”

“Got a cab waiting downstairs.” She pauses for a second, wobbling in her heels, “Y/N’s right, you are a sweetheart.” Warmth floods him, both because Y/N had been saying sweet things about him when he wasn’t around and because she’s _safe_. She's in his arms unharmed. 

He nods and closes the door slowly, clicking both locks in place before scooping Y/N up bridal-style. Her arms go around his neck as she snuggles into him. “’m sorry, my Bucky baby. Really sorry,” she says as he deposits her on the bed. Her voice is slurred and soft and she’s struggling to stay awake. 

“It’s okay.”

She shakes her head and grabs his hand when he tries to take off her heels. “No, ‘is not. I would be-I would be _pissed_. I said midnight. But then it got later and ma phone died and I forgot about time n' stuff and then-,”

“Okay, doll,” he chuckles at her concern, his own worry fading fast. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“Didn’t mean to leave you,” she pouts as he sits on the bed next to her, looking down at her with a soft gaze. She presses one hand up his arm to his bicep. “Didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.” Tears pool in her eyes.  “You worry so, so, so, so, _so much_. ‘is precious and makes me sad too. Lara showed me the time and I was so afraid you would be mad. Made her take me home right then. I don' want ya to worry, y'know? Some-sometimes when you worry and I have ma head on your chest I can hear your heart pounding and I know it's cause you get anxious.” The tears flow over, trailing down her cheeks. "Are you mad at me?"

Bucky caresses one cheek softly, wiping away her tears, “I’m not mad, sweetheart. I _was_ worried, but I’m not mad at you. I have anxiety. It happens.”

Her bottom lip trembles before her teeth clamp down on it. “Still sorry.”

“I know. Let’s go to sleep, talk about it in the morning.” He tries to pull away but Y/N’s hand on his bicep tightens and she sits up. She pulls his hand up to her mouth and lies a small, slow kiss against his wrist before trailing them up his arm. Bucky’s sorta irritated that he’s wearing a long sleeve shirt, not able to feel the warmth of her kisses fully. Even though Y/N doesn’t have a problem with it he still wears a glove on his left hand and long sleeves most of the time. He pulls his hand away, “Alright baby, let me help you.”

“M’kay,” she says as she flops back onto the bed. Bucky goes back to fiddling with the straps of her heels, eventually working out how to get the complicated things off her feet. Only after a lot of convincing does he get her to sit back up so he can pull off her dress. When he approaches with a night shirt she refuses to wear it, unhooking her bra and tossing it to the ground. “Can I have yours?” He hesitates and so she grabs his hand and pulls off the glove, tangling her fingers with his metal ones as if to say ‘I know why you don’t want to give me your shirt.’ "You're so pretty without a shirt, Buck." He knows he's blushing again and that he can't say no to her. 

So he pulls it over his head and doesn’t look at her as he hands it to her. She hums in happiness when she has it on, lying back in bliss. She even presses the sleeve to her nose and inhales his scent. A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth before he goes hunting in the bathroom for one of those wipes Y/N uses to take off her makeup. When he finds them he glances at himself in the mirror again. He frowns at the man there. His face is hard, his body unforgiving muscle, scars slashing every which way, a metal arm gleams claiming all the attention.

He sighs and so does the man, and for just a second the image flickers. A young, lean, smiling soldier looks back at him. His hat is tipped at an angle and his grin is easy. Bucky has the urge to punch the kid. He doesn’t. He sighs again and the kid shakes his head, his smile apologetic as the other man returns. He wishes they would both stop haunting him.

Close to breaking Y/N’s mirror, he goes back to her bedroom and gently swipes the makeup from her face. She hums quietly, fingers dancing up his abs. “You’re very pretty.”

“That’s you you're thinking of doll,” he says with a shake of his head.

“Mm, sure,” she murmurs. “Can we go to bed yet?”

Bucky tosses the makeup wipe and lies next to her under the comforter. His muscles finally start to uncoil after being so tightly wound for a week. Peace settles over him like a blanket as Y/N curls into his side.

For the first time in a week, he falls asleep easily.

 

~

 

The next morning Bucky expects to have to take care of a hungover Y/N. He’s fully prepared to. It’s a good excuse to spend the morning with her, maybe the whole day. It’s a good excuse to cuddle her and not have to go back to the Tower and train again. It's a good excuse to relax and let Y/N massage away the knots in his back.

But she’s not in bed, or even in the apartment. Standing in the living room he picks up his phone, panic starting to eat at him again, when the front door opens. Y/N walks in carrying a paper bag and a cup carrier with two to-go cups of coffee. For a moment he thinks maybe he imagined last night. She smiles brightly at him. “Doll?”

“Mornin’ Buck!” She says happily. She’s still wearing his shirt tucked into a pair of jeans with heeled boots on her feet. He stays where he is until she says, “C’mere! I got all these fun pastries at that place you really like. And come coffee. If you want I can make real breakfast. Eggs, toast, waffles, pancakes, anything you want.”

“What’s all this for, Y/N?” He asks as he walks around the kitchen island to stand beside her.

She smiles at him confusedly and pulls him close, arm winding around his back, “It’s for you. As a thank you for taking care of me last night and as an apology for being late and making you worry.”

“You didn’t have to do that-,”

She pulls him closer and nuzzles into his neck, “I did though. I could tell how stressed you were before I left. And you looked so peaceful and lovely when you were sleeping this morning that I couldn’t make you get up and cook with me so…” She looks up at him and bites her lip, “Do you hate it? What’s wrong? Why aren’t you-,”

Suddenly, Bucky leans down and presses his lips to hers. “You didn’t need to do this, Y/N.”

“But I did and it's done, so sit down and eat would you?” When he only keeps looking at her she says, “You’re just a really wonderful boyfriend, y’know? And I don’t think you even realize it and I’m just really lucky to have you. And I wanted to do something nice because I like you a whole lot and I wanted to stay in last night and cuddle too but-,”

When he kisses her again his cheeks are a dark shade of red. “I think you’re overselling me.”

“I’m not.” She says reaching around to grab his ass. “I think you’re great. For a lot of reasons.” She wiggles her eyebrows at him. “Right? Really good.” Y/N kisses his chin, "But in all seriousness...you're just a really wonderful person and I want to make sure you know that."

Bucky looks down at her binding smile, and realizes there’s a weight gone from his shoulders. He feels lighter, freer. He always feels that way with Y/N but there’s something more this time and he feels like he’s one the verge of realizing something. He might not believe what Y/N just said about him but she _does._  

Y/N looks worried again. “What’s wrong? You’re looking at me all strange again. Did I say something wrong?”

“No, no, sweetheart. You didn’t. You’re just being very sweet and I think I’ve just realized something.”

She looks half embarrassed and pushes his arm. “Oh, stop. All I did was get you some food.”

Bucky takes her hand suddenly and kisses her palm. “Come with me.”

A wild grin spreads over Y/N’s face. “Don’t even want breakfast? Naughty, naughty.” 

He ignores her last comment. “C’mere doll,” he murmurs, pulling her along. He tugs her into the bathroom, Y/N’s face morphing into an expression of confusion.

She glances over at him, “What’re we doin’, Buck?”

Bucky tugs her in front of the mirror and wraps his arms around her, her back pressed to his chest as he rests his chin on her shoulder. For a moment he just looks. He recognizes the man in the mirror. Words float through his head, Y/N’s words. Everything she’s always saying about him drifting along. Sweet, kind, precious, perfect, handsome. They haven’t been together very long and yet he believes the words when she says them. He believes what she’s saying. He believe those things can become true. “Bucky?”

“I just feel better with you Y/N.” He shifts and presses his nose to the top of her head. “It’s hard for me to say, to talk about. But I don’t know who I am. Because I’m different than before. And this is a new world for me and the things they did to me…hopefully you’ll never have to know what they did. But I feel like I have a start with you.” He glances up, “I see a person when I look in the mirror when I'm with you. I don't see a soldier or a machine or an assassin or before. I see a person. I see a person in the present.”

She turns in his arms and hugs him tightly. “’Course, baby,” Y/N whispers. “I got you.” For a long while after that its silent. Y/N keeps her arms wrapped securely around him, her mouth peppering kisses along the bare flesh of his shoulders. “I got you,” she whispers again, tears rolling down her cheeks. 

Pulling back, he glances over her slowly before meeting her eyes. He shakes his head and leans in to kiss her. It’s slow and very tender and when he pulls back he leans his forehead against hers, “I’ll probably never stop saying this, but I’m so lucky to have you doll.”

She smiles and kisses him again, her hands going to either side of his jaw, “You and me both.”

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place when they’ve been together a year and a half. It’s what Bucky was talking about when he proposed, when he said something about Y/N being taken from him earlier in the year. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Tell me what you think!
> 
> I love you guys❤️❤️❤️❤️

A slow, steady beeping wakes her. There’s a warm weight on her chest and along her arm. Blinking sluggishly she glances around the clean, white room. There are tubes running from her nose and her hand, and when she tries to move her hand, something pulls on her skin and she quickly stops.

The warm weight on one side is a sleeping Bucky, half on top of her and half on a hard plastic chair beside her bed in what can only be the medbay at the Tower. She reaches up with the arm underneath him and strokes his hair. “Bucky,” she whispers worriedly. He’s so _still_. “Buck,” her voice breaks. Irrationally she’s afraid that he’s hurt or dead, even though she can she can see the rise and fall of steady breaths in his lungs. “Bucky, please wake up. Buck. Bucky. _Bucky_ , please.” She tugs at his hair, fingers trailing down to his jaw. “ _Please_?”

He stirs suddenly, right as terror starts to grip her in earnest. “Bucky,” she says again, relief clear in her voice. “Baby. Are you okay?” Every part of her hurts but her only concern is him.         

Blearily, he sits up and looks at her like she’s a miracle walking. He rubs his eyes tiredly, shaking his head. “Y/N,” he murmurs, “I should be askin’ you that, doll.” He has cuts and bruises littering his whole face. His right arm has gauze wrapped up it to his shoulder. “God, Y/N, I’m so sorry, sweetheart-,”

“No,” she says gently, “Don’t do that. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

He shakes his head again in disbelief as she works on wiggling the fingers of her hand through the metal ones of his left. The heavy weight of guilt settles on his chest as he watches her tongue poke out in concentration. Eventually he relaxes his hand and lets Y/N slide her fingers through his. He owes her comfort if nothing else. “It’s my fault, babydoll. I should have been there. I shouldn’t have left you. Are you in pain? Do you need anything?”

“I’m not in pain-,” she starts to lie.

“Liar.” He accuses.

“But I would like some water.”

Bucky jumps up and frantically goes about finding some water, kicking himself for not having thought of it himself. Y/N sighs, anxiety eating at her belly. Bucky has a history of overreacting and going to extremes, especially when it comes to her safety. So she knows he’s blaming himself, that he must be thinking of doing something dramatic. Really she’s worried that he might be thinking of breaking it off with her.

For her safety.

Because he wasn’t good enough.

Which is all bullshit.

Gingerly, Bucky helps her sit up in bed, his flesh hand behind her back so she can take a few sips of water through a straw from a plastic cup. She covers his hand with her own and looks him in the eyes, “Let’s get one thing straight right now. This is not your fault.” He’s staring at her back through the gap in the hospital gown she’s wearing. She can feel the deep bruises he’s looking at, blaming himself for.

“If I had been there-,” he starts, nervous fingers fluttering up and down her spine, and against her damaged skin.

“No,” she says, shaking her head and staring him down, forcing him to look her in the eyes. “No. You were at the Tower, for training as you often are. You can’t have this expectation of yourself that you’ll always be hovering around me and putting your own life on hold. I don’t have that expectation of you and you shouldn’t have it for yourself either.”

He shakes his head and pulls away from her, setting the cup on the bedside table, “We shouldn’t be talking about this right now.” He lets himself stroke her back one last time before letting his hand fall away.

“Yes,” she says, reaching out to grip his chin, “We should be.”

Bucky shifts his eyes away from her intense gaze to stare at her bandaged forearms. “You need to rest-,”

“James Barnes, look at me.” He doesn’t. “Right now, Bucky.” Reluctantly he meets her eyes again, looking more than a little terrified of her tone. “It is not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself. For a lot of things. Don’t do this right now. I need you to tell me everything is going to be alright and to hold me. I need you. Please don’t take yourself away from me.”

“I could hear you screaming,” he says suddenly. “I could hear you screaming. I was-I was…fighting past anyone in my way. I was ruthless, I could feel the Soldier under my skin, prickling and pushing to the surface.” He pauses and swallows harshly. His throat works hard for a moment before he continues, voice cracking, “And then you stopped screaming and the silence was so loud….And in that moment I stopped caring. Everything stopped. I wanted everyone who had laid a finger on you dead.”

He takes her hand away from his chin and kisses her palm very gently, “When I found you…I wasn’t me. I was _him_.” Terror floods his veins as he tries to remember it. “And believe me baby, that could have went very badly for you. If I had thought you were a target...”

A tear tracks down her cheek, “I remember. I was awake. You weren’t going to hurt me.”

“No, you weren’t-,”

“Yes. I was. I was awake.” She leans forward and brushes her lips over his forehead. “And you might not remember but I do. You weren’t exactly gentle but you didn’t hurt me. Your only concern was taking me away from danger.” She smiles gently and caresses his jaw. “You even kissed my forehead.”

His entire body quakes before he bows his head and he says, “There was so much blood. So much. And it was all yours.” He looks up, eyes red and puffy, “What did they do to you? Tell me. I need to know, Y/N.” The image of her limp body hanging from the ceiling by her wrists flashes before his eyes. He shuts his eyes as a few tears squeeze out and roll down his cheeks. “Tell me. Tell me so if there are anymore of those bastards-,”

“No,” she whispers, stroking gentle fingers through his hair. “You don’t. You don’t need to know.” Y/N pulls him down until his head is pillowed on her chest as she leans back into the bed. “You don’t need to know. I’m here. That’s all that matters. I’m here _because_ of you.”

He revels in her touch, marveling that she’s still around to give it to him. “Please tell me, Y/N.” His voice is broken and haunted. Images from decades past, of old pains, dart through his mind.

“I won’t torture you like that, Buck.” She kisses the top of his head, enjoying the feel of his feather soft hair against her lips. “It’s over now.”

Hating himself he presses his arm over her waist and tugs her close. “No one will ever touch you again, Y/N. I promise. No harm will ever come to you again. They will never touch you again.”

She presses her nose to hair, inhaling slowly. “You don’t need to promise that.” Tangling her fingers in his hair she tugs gently. “I love you. You don’t need to promise that.”

“Sleep now, baby,” he murmurs. “I’ll watch over you.” He tugs her just a little closer, ignoring the pain in his body. She doesn’t complain either, enjoying the warmth of him against her.

She shivers in his grasp and doesn’t argue. Because she’s still afraid.

 

~

 

It had started at the post office. A feeling of being watched overcoming her. She glances around but doesn’t see anyone. The feeling doesn’t go away. It follows her all day. She finds herself constantly glancing over her shoulder, looking for someone who’s never there. Y/N almost calls Bucky at one point, her phone in her hand, thumb hovering over his contact.

But then she thinks that maybe hanging around heroes that save the world all the time has made her a little paranoid and decides against it.

So she goes home to their apartment and starts to put away the groceries. She plans to take a bath and curl up in bed with a good book and wait for Bucky to come home from the Tower. But as she’s finishing up and kicking off her heels, the watched feeling returns again, this time in force.

She turns, and there by her living room sofa are three men. Y/N freezes and carefully lowers the bottle of wine in her hands to rest on the counter. “Hello, sweetheart,” one of them says with a greasy smirk on his face. “You really should make sure the street door closes behind you. You never know what kind of riffraff might sneak in.”

Swallowing harshly she tries in vain to remember what little self-defense she’d been taught on occasion by Natasha and Steve. None of it is coming to her now and her phone is in her purse where she’d dropped it by the door. “Well I don’t usually have to worry about riffraff,” she says, hard edge in her voice as she decides not to back down.

“We’re looking for someone, that’s all,” says another of the men. He walks forward with a predator’s step. “And we thought…maybe you could help us find them.” The man walks forward until she’s backed into a corner of the kitchen, her back against the counter. She’s been in this position many times with Bucky before. Only Bucky had playfully trapped her in as they giggled together or swept powdered sugar down her cheek or softly made out with her.

Now, the man makes a cage around her body. His body is a hard line against hers as he dips his head to meet her eyes. “Could you help us, baby? You’re awfully close to a bunch of heroes for someone _so…ordinary.”_ He twists a lock of her hair around his finger before dragging his blunted nail down her cheek. “I wonder what it is they see when they look at you?” He grips her chin hard and forces her to meet his eyes, “What do they see? And how much would it hurt to see it taken from them?”

“I’m nothing to them,” she spits, a need to protect those she now considers her family overcoming her. A need to protect Bucky especially, because she has a niggling feeling that she knows who these bastards are and what they want.

A hard slap is suddenly struck against her cheek. “Goddamn right you’re nothing.” His fingers curl around her neck and squeeze. “You’re nothing.” She meets his eyes and doesn’t look away, her resolve hardening. For a moment he falters, the determination in her eyes confusing him. So he hits her again, harder this time and releases her throat. She drops to the kitchen floor with a gasp and a cough. “He’s not here,” she whispers hoarsely, murder in her eyes. “And I don’t know where he is.”

“Who? The Winter Soldier?” He chuckles and reaches down to grip her hair, forcing her head back. “Look at you! You poor little thing. You’re gonna protect him, aren’t you? To your very last moment?” He bends at the waist and brings his face close to hers. His hot breath hits her cheek and she wills herself not to look away or show how frightened she is. “Fuck. The Winter Soldier’s very own whore. What’s he tell you, honey? He loves you? He can’t. I’ve seen his records. He’s _using_ you, baby. Probably for that sweet little pussy of yours right?”

“Fuck you,” she hisses and lashes out with one hand. She rakes her fingers down his cheek, leaving red trails behind. “You bastard. You don’t know anything.” Y/N manages to slap him too, a hard brutal hit to his face.

He only smirks and cracks his neck. “A fighter! Sexy and feisty. I bet you’re a lot of fun aren’t you?” Dragging her by her hair suddenly, he deposits her by the front door. “The Winter Soldier’s whore, boys.” The other two comes closer as she scrabbles backwards.

“I don’t know where he is,” she hisses as tears sting her eyes from the rough treatment and the fear now starting to encircle her heart. But her purse is behind her and so is her phone. She isn’t worried about what they might do to her, but rather about what they might do to Bucky if they find him or if he suddenly walked through the front door. If she could give him some sort of warning…

But her plans are dashed as one man starts going through her bag. The man that had dragged her by the hair squats in front of her and traces her cheekbone with his thumb. “Oh, well, that’s the thing sweetheart. We aren’t here for him. We’re here for _you_. There’s an indication that he’d do anything for you and for Steve Rogers. But Steve Rogers is untouchable and a little outside our range at the moment, if I’m honest. So you’re the next best thing. We’re hoping to get our Soldier back.”

“They took the words away from him, you fucking idiot. You won’t get the Soldier, you’ll get Bucky Barnes.”

Her words only earn her a hard kick to the ribs. She groans lowly. She’s never been in a fight before, or abused this way, and she doesn’t know what to do with the pain. One of them yanks her up by her hair and slaps her hard again before the other punches her. Blood spurts from her nose and she gasps. “Fuck you,” she says again, around a mouthful of blood.

He pulls her head back by her hair. He nods slowly as he examines her. “I get it. Tough little girl. I’d fuck you too. Fortunately for you, we don’t have time for that. There are more important things at work.” He pauses and appraises her again with a slimy gaze before saying, “You’re wrong. They might have gotten rid of the words but everything he did all those years, all that blood and pain, is right under the surface of his skin, and I doubt it would take all that much to bring it back out.”

Rage spins in her mind and, before she can stop herself, she reels back and spits directly in his face. “You won’t lay a hand on him, you fucking bastard!”

He just starts laughing and the next thing she knows she’s being held down. Pain is the only thing that she knows as he beats her. When she looks up one of the others has her phone pointed at her. Tears rolls down her cheeks as blood drips into her eyes. She can’t seem to hear what they’re saying as she’s jerked upward and her phone is shoved in her face.

Fingers grip her by the throat again before slamming her head into the wall beside the door. She’s dizzy. She can’t breathe. She might throw up. “Say it!” One of them is shouting. “Fucking _say it_ , you bitch.”  

“What?” She sobs. “What do you want from me, you fuckers-,”

Someone slaps her and grasps her jaw in a bruising grip, forcing her to look into the camera of the phone. “Stop talking back, whore. Tell Barnes you love him one last time, sweetheart. Cry and tell him how much you love him. Beg him to find you even though you know he won’t make it in time.”

“Bucky…” she whispers and pauses, swallowing dryly. “These bastards think they can break me _._ ”

“That’s fuckin’ it, you little bitch-,”

Her whole world goes black.

 

~

 

When Bucky sees the video, of his best girl, beaten and bruised, blood obscuring her eyes, rage thrums through his veins. He watches as she smirks at the camera and says, “ _These bastards think they can break me._ ”

He tries to stop the pride that radiates from his chest, but it’s there and unstoppable. “We stop at nothing. Do you fucking understand?” He turns to look at the other people in the room. The agents, the other Avengers. “ _Nothing_ ,” he growls, his vision going red. “Until I have her back.”

No one dares to contradict him. Since he had received the video from Y/N’s phone several hours ago a heavy anxiety and the deepest fear he’s ever known had settled in his chest. He knows firsthand what these people can do to Y/N. He knows that it can always get worse and that people are more easily breakable than they liked to believe.

He hangs his head as people start filing out of the room. Steve approaches him, “Buck-,”

“No. We have to find her.”

Bucky marches away. When they find Y/N several days later, Bucky still hasn’t been to bed. He hasn’t slept, he hasn’t eaten, and none of it seems worth it if they don’t find Y/N and find her alive. When he hears her screaming and she suddenly stops, a cold chill runs up his spine and he knows that he’s about to lose himself.

Everything leaves him, every emotion, every thought.

He’s not sure what happens between the silence of Y/N’s voice and when he smashes down the door of the room she’s being held in.

There’s silence and stillness. He rips out his comm, Steve’s voice gone from his ear. Everything is fuzzy around the edges of his vision.

He stalks forward, a growl in his chest. Y/N’s wrists are bound together by chains as she dangles from the ceiling. The tips of her toes just brush the ground. Her eyes are shut and her head falls limply against her shoulder. Wounds mar her body and that’s when everything starts to go black for Bucky. A copious amount of blood is pooled on the floor at her feet. The last thing he remembers is letting Y/N down, and her soft exhale against his neck. He thinks she might have said his name.

 

~

 

Bucky wakes with a jerk, breathing hard back in the medbay. He glances over Y/N and presses two fingers to the inside of her wrist. His fear starts to subside as Y/N wakes and glances at him. “Buck?” This time it’s her that’s sleepy eyed and soft.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he whispers as her delicate hand draws down his cheek, the tube connected to her skims along with her fingers. He can barely look at her covered in bruises and broken in a hospital bed. “You were so brave baby. I don’t deserve to have-,”

“Please don’t leave me.” She says suddenly. “I need you now more than ever. Please, Bucky, _please_ …don’t abandon me.” Tears start to track down her cheeks, “Please, baby. I can’t do this without you.” She strokes his cheek nervously, “You found me. We’re here.”

He shakes his head slowly as she traces the purple shadows beneath his eyes, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here.” He leans forward to kiss her forehead carefully. “Will you tell me what they did you? One day?”

“Why do you want me to talk about it?”

“I don’t…but I need you to tell me. I need to know.” He slumps forward and presses his forehead to the mattress. “I just…They did this to you because of me and-,”

She threads her fingers through his hair and tugs gently, scrapes her nails along his scalp. “I knew you would come and that kept me hoping. I knew what they were and I knew you would come and that I could be strong until then.”

“Okay, doll.” He takes her hand and kisses her wrist, lifting his head to drink in her appearance. “I’m here. I’m not leaving your side.”

And Y/N knows she’s never being left alone again and she really doesn’t mind. “It’s not your fault,” she murmurs. “I’m okay. You’re okay. We’ll move past this.”

“Stark is installing every security measure he can in that apartment.” His tone leaves no room for argument. 

She figures that that’s the least dramatic of their options and also that she would feel better that way anyways. “Okay.” Y/N nuzzles into him when he climbs into bed with her. “It’s not your fault, Buck. I love you. Okay? I love you.”

For the first time since they’ve been together he murmurs it back to her. “I love you, Y/N.” She’s always known it but it’s a lovely and reassuring thing to hear. A tear slips down her cheek as she kisses him with bruised lips. He won’t say it again until he proposes to her. But she knows he feels it, has always felt it. She knows he loves her. “I’ll always be here. I love you, doll.”

It’s a few weeks before Bucky even entertains the idea of being even a room away from her.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!! 
> 
> Coming up we have more Christmassy stuff, if you would like to see anything specific let me know! We also have Bucky with a baby coming up. 
> 
> This chapter takes place around Christmas when Y/N and Bucky have almost been together for one year.

“Buck,” Y/N calls when she opens the front door of their apartment and finds a chaotic scene before her. A slow smile tugs at her lips as she shrugs off her coat and hangs her keys on a hook by the door. Fairy lights are strung all around the living room, dangling from the ceiling in swooping arcs. A tree stands tall and proud in one corner, still void of any ornamentation. There are new ornaments still in their boxes lying on the kitchen island as Christmas music filters over a speaker on the counter.

Spare garlands and wreathes and little bits of mistletoe lie in heaps on the coffee table. A few stockings have been thrown haphazardly over the back of an armchair. Y/N has never owned so many Christmas things, but now, apparently _they_ do. It makes her feel a little giddy. But Bucky, however, is nowhere to be seen. Her grin stretches into an amused smile. “Buck?” She calls out again, untucking her button-up blouse from her pencil skirt as she steps out of her heels. “Where are you?”

He appears at the end of the short hall that leads to their bedroom suddenly, looking a little panicked. “Y/N!” His eyes are wide and uncertain as they dart around the room and then back to her.

“Buck!” She imitates, laughing. “What’s going on, hon?” Y/N asks, gesturing to their half decorated living room.

Bucky runs a distracted hand through his hair, and shrugs. “I…got carried away. It’s… uh, it’s Christmas.”

“Ah,” she says, glancing around again. “I could have _sworn_ it was November. I seem to have missed Thanksgiving this year.”

He winces, “Yeah. I know it’s early and if you don’t want it up then I’ll take it down. But I went to get coffee and when I was walking back from the café I was thinking about asking you to make cookies with me when you got home from work and then it started to _snow_. I know I’ve seen a lot of snow since I’ve been _me_ again but something made me remember.” There’s awe in his voice as he stares at her from the other side of the room. He doesn’t seem to see her though, but is rather staring through her, seeing something that she can’t. “I remembered my mother.” Y/N’s heart drops in her chest, worried that he might be stuck in some bad headspace. “I remembered Christmas with my mom and my sisters. I remembered baking and…”

Bucky glances at her, meeting her eyes again, the glaze over his eyes melting away, “And so I went shopping for Christmas stuff. I’m so sorry Y/N. I should have asked you-,” He actually has the gall to sound guilty and disappointed in himself.

“Buck,” she says, walking forward. “I was just messing with you. It’s fine. Early, but fine. Decorating early never hurt anyone.” She takes him by his shoulders and gives him a small shake, “Especially if it’s because you _remembered_ something about your family!”

He smiles, “You aren’t mad?”

“No!” She wraps her arms around him, shifting her fingers under his shirt and running them up his muscular back. “I do wanna bake cookies with you, if you’re still offering. And I want to hear about your mom and sisters. If you want to tell me that is.” She says quickly before pausing for a moment. She traces his velvety skin as he hugs her close, kissing the top of her head. “But also you’re really bad at setting the mood.”

“What? How?”

“No sweaters. No hot chocolate. The apartment is kinda cold-,”

“You keep it that cold! Anytime I touch the thermostat you yell at me-,”

“Only because I like cuddling with you and you’re like a damn heater!”

“So…you don’t want to cuddle anymore? That doesn’t seem very Christmassy.”

“And you don’t have any blankets anywhere!” She scolds. “Bucky, you’re bad at this and you need help.”

“Maybe you could help me, baby,” he murmurs, pulling back to meet her eyes. “Teach me how to do it right.”

Her eyes darken for a moment, “Oh, baby, the things I could teach you to do-,”

“Hey now,” he pinches her ass, “It’s Christmas.”

She pouts, “Christmas means I can’t get any?”

“That’s what New Year’s is for, darlin’.” He says with a smile. “Now, c’mon, I’ve been struggling with those stupid lights for more than an hour now.”

Pretending to think about it, she removes her burning hands from inside his shirt. She taps her chin gently, pretending to think, “On one condition.”

“What’s that, doll?”

“I get a kiss from my favorite soldier.” She murmurs before slapping his ass with both hands. “So you better go find Steve Rogers if you want to do this Christmas thing.”

Before she can dash off Bucky grabs her with a growl and sets her on the counter, stepping between her legs with some difficultly. He gets irritated with the pencil skirt quickly and rolls the material until it rests around her upper thighs. He steps close and leans in to whisper in her ear. “Who’s your favorite soldier, baby?” His voice is husky and dangerous.

“You,” she says sweetly, giggling at his possessive show. “Always you.”

“That’s the answer I was looking for.” He murmurs before leaning in to kiss her lips, hands rubbing up and down her bare thighs. “You were joking about Steve, right?”

She lets out a huff of indignation. “Of course I was, you silly, silly man.”

He kisses her again and she can feel him grinning against her mouth. It’s rare she gets Bucky in such a great mood and she can’t help but kiss him harder.

 

~

 

Twenty minutes later she and Bucky are dressed in fluffy sweaters while they sort out decorations. Y/N unravels tangles of lights while Bucky picks out various bulbs. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?”

Bucky freezes, hand half-way to the tree, ornament poised. “Decorating?”

“The lights have to go on first, Buck.” She shakes her head sympathetically, “Poor, poor, Christmas virgin doesn’t know what happens first.”

He rolls his eyes playfully and smiles at her, “Fine. Give me the lights.”

“While you do that I’m going to make hot chocolate for us.”

“Okay, baby,” he murmurs, smiling widely. Y/N hands him the string of lights and moves toward the kitchen, smiling when she hears Bucky begin to sing along to the carol playing over the speakers.

It takes them all evening to fix everything just right. When they finally settle on the couch Y/N turns out all the lights except for the ones strung around the tree and the fairy lights hung from the ceiling. She curls in Bucky’s lap, blankets piled around them, mugs of hot chocolate on the coffee table, as they watch the snow continue to drift down outside the wide windows.

It’s quiet and lovely and Bucky keeps humming to a song they can no longer hear. “Merry Christmas, Y/N,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the side of her head, holding her securely in his lap.

“Merry November, Buck,” she says with a smirk as she reaches up and tangles one hand in his hair, letting her fingers drift through the silky stands as she rests her head on his shoulder.

He groans. “You gotta be like that, doll?” Bucky hums in pleasure when she loops her arm behind his neck and kisses the space just under his ear.

“Merry _Christmas_ , Buck. I’m glad we’re spending our first Christmas together in November. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She murmurs cheekily as she pulls his head down so she can kiss his lips. Y/N runs her tongue along his bottom lip teasingly, pulling away before he can open his mouth. Bucky whines against her, tightening his arms around her middle. “I love you. Even if you decorate super early.”

“When is an appropriate time?”

She doesn’t even pause, “Any time _after_ Black Friday.”

He chuckles and pulls her closer, fingers dipping under her sweater. “Okay. Next year then.”

Y/N shakes her head and turns in his lap until they’re chest to chest as she rests her chin on his shoulder, arms wound around his neck. “No can do next year, Buck.”

“Why? Planning on having a new boyfriend by then?” He asks with a smile, squeezing her tight. 

“Not yet,” she quips, “But you’re on thin ice.”

In response Bucky just nuzzles closer to her, hands running up and down her back. “I’ll watch my step then,” he says with a quiet laugh. “But you’ll always be my best girl.”

It’s the closest he’s ever come to saying ‘I love you’ and so she grins widely. “We can’t do it next year because we have a tradition now. Decorating sinfully early is our tradition.”

“Sounds good to me, baby.”

“We didn’t get to bake though,” she says, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. “You need a haircut, Buck,” she comments.

He buries his face in the crook of her neck, not wanting the softness of the moment to ever end, not wanting to break the peace. “Tomorrow morning we’ll bake. And we can stay in, right?”

“I’d do anything for you, baby. Including staying in and baking. You’re such a sweetheart.” She leans back and strokes his cheeks with the pad of her thumbs. “And so pretty.”

Y/N has a halo of light ringing her head from the soft light of the fairy lights. Bucky turns red as he looks at her. Both because he can’t believe this wonderful person is his and that she always seemed to be thinking nice things about him. “When I was young,” Y/N starts, tracing one hand down his neck and over his collarbone. “We always drank spiced wine at Christmas. It’s a German thing, I think. But you heat it up and drink it warm and it’s _so good_. Even when I was little my dad would let me have a sip or two.”

She trails her hands down his chest and eventually comes to the hem of his sweater, tugging gently until Bucky lifts his arms and lets her pull it off him. Her fingers continue tracing over the muscle when she tosses the shirt away. “It was our secret, y’know? Mom caught us one year and really let him have it,” she says with a smile and a chuckle. “He never let my brother and sister have any either. It was always just us. It’s my best Christmas memory.”

Falling back against his chest, she looks up at him with expectant eyes, her cheek against his bare shoulder. She wants him to tell her something from his past. “I don’t remember many things, especially specific things.”

He swallows thickly and wraps his arms around Y/N tightly, like she’s the last thing in the world tethering him to the earth. “I told you I remembered baking with my-my family.” Y/N kisses the side of his neck gently in encouragement. “But really, it wasn’t that much. The smell of cookies, the feeling of warmth. A close, tiny apartment. And dark hair. We all had such dark hair.” He pauses for a split second, “And giggles. I remember giggles.”

“That’s practically everything you need to know, Buck.” She says quietly.

“But I don’t know how old I was. Or how old my sisters were. I can’t remember their faces. Was it my last Christmas before I shipped out? Was it before the actual holiday or was it Christmas Eve? Was Steve there? I don’t remember any blond but he was always around. He must have been there but I just don’t know.”

Her fingers travel to the nape of his neck and then into his hair. “Darling. That’s still good. That’s still a lot.”

He nods, he knows. And then Bucky continues, enjoying the feel of her skin against his. It’s grounding and safe. “I’ve had that wine before. The hot Christmas wine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s good. Really warms you up. I first had it in France. Some of the Germans must have brought it with them. It was fucking cold. It was so _cold._ Snow was swirling down and the wind was howling but people were still out in the bad weather. We were in this little burned out town. I traded some rations for the wine. The girl I traded with explained as best she could how I was supposed to drink it. I didn’t speak French and she didn’t speak English but I was so happy to find alcohol of any kind that I didn’t really care what it was.”

Y/N turns her head against Bucky’s shoulder and kisses his scar, watching the snow drift down out the window. “But it was so good. All the guys thought so and we only realized that it was Christmas Eve when we were halfway done with it. I don’t remember much else than that. Other than warming it up over a fire, and being pissed when it took so long to get the fire started. And I remember that that girl had a nice smile.”

It’s quiet for a long time after that. The apartment is quiet, apart from the noise of the city in the street below. Y/N turns back to Bucky and curls into him, nose against his neck as her hand smooths up and down his flesh arm. She lets him collect his thoughts, work through the invasive memories by himself.

Eventually, with his voice muffled against her hair, he says, “I wonder what happened to that girl. I wonder if she made it to the end of the war. Maybe she wondered if I did.” He kisses her hair suddenly and lets out a heavy sigh. “Thanks, baby. Thank you for always being here.”

She’s about to tell him there’s no need when he asks, “We’re still gonna celebrate Christmas on real Christmas aren’t we? ‘Cause I didn’t even get to give you a gift.”

“Buck,” Y/N says as she pulls back from him. She cradles his jaw between her palms and strokes his cheeks, “We can celebrate Christmas as many times as you want.” Her voice breaks, wavering near the middle of her sentence.

He reaches out and swipes a few tears from her cheeks. “Why are you crying?” He sounds genuinely confused as though he can’t fathom her sorrow. “Those are good memories.”

“No, I know. I know, baby.” She shakes her head and smiles, “Merry November, Buck.”

He smiles happily, “Merry November, baby.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Y/N have been married for a few years when they’re surprised with the unexpected. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!! ❤️❤️

Steve grits his teeth and glances over at Natasha. She’s holding a small bundle, bouncing it carefully as she tries to get the child swaddled inside to quiet.

The baby hasn’t stopped screaming since they’d left the airstrip in Eastern Europe. Natasha, as calm as ever, just keeps rocking the baby. Steve however, is starting to go a little crazy. So is Tony, who claims he doesn’t want a child in the Tower.

“Well,” he says now, as the three of them stand around the conference table in the debriefing room. “We can’t keep her here anyways. It’s dangerous. We all have targets on our backs. A kid shouldn’t be around that.” Sympathy flickers in his eyes for a moment before he shoves the soft feeling away and begins tapping away on a spare tablet.

“What else are we supposed to do with her?”

“We should have left her with the other children and social services where we found her,” Tony says, earning a glare from Natasha.

Nat shakes her head and looks down at the still shrieking baby, “She’s special. Considering what they think she can do…who knows what they might have done to her. She needs our protection.” Natasha has a special interest in the child who is Russian and special just like she once was. She’ll be damned if she lets the same thing happen to another child.

For a moment the baby settles and quiets, looking up at Nat with round blue eyes. Steve examines them together for a moment when an idea comes to him. Bucky had retired several years ago when he had married Y/N. They've since moved to a more secluded spot in upstate New York and have been trying to have a baby for a little more than a year. Both Bucky and Y/N had been through fertility treatments as they simultaneously pursued adoption. Considering who Bucky is makes the adoption process lengthier than usual. It also means that they might not be approved at all. On top of that they had found out that not only is Bucky practically infertile but that Y/N has a very hard time conceiving. If she did conceive she might not carry to term, and both mother and child would be at risk the entire pregnancy.

Things, in short, aren’t looking good.

But now, here they were with this child who required special protection. Bucky could offer special protection. And Y/N would be a fantastic mother.

“Bucky and Y/N.” Steve blurts out suddenly, the room instantly settling into relative silence, the baby continues to whimper in Natasha's arms. Tony stops tapping at things on the screen of the tablet and Natasha ceases humming. “They can watch her. They can _adopt_ her. They can give her a good home.”

Tony frowns, “I can’t imagine the ice-man with a baby. No offense, Cap. Would-,”

“No, I think it’s a good idea,” Nat nods. “Barnes can protect her. They would both be good parents. Y/N practically became our mother when she first started coming to the Tower.” Indeed, Y/N had coddled the Avengers like they were helpless children when she first met them. She listened to them and bought them things she thought they might, covered them with blankets when she was at the Tower and caught them sleeping on couches without protection. She cooked their favorite foods for them with Bucky. And when things got tough she always managed to make them laugh.

“Sure Y/N would make a good mom but _Barnes_ -,”

“No.” Nat says again, looking down at the whining baby. “Barnes would make a good father, I’m sure of it.”

Steve is nodding in stern agreement as Tony throws up his hands in exasperation. “Fine. As long as she’s not _here_.”

But Steve catches a glance at Tony’s touch pad when he turns to leave the room. Baby things are already being ordered in bulk and sent to Y/N and Bucky’s place. He must have been ordering it on their trip home and clearly he had had Bucky and Y/N in mind from the get-go.

Steve smiles at Tony’s retreating form as Natasha rolls her eyes. “He never would have suggested Barnes himself-,”

“But he knew we would,” Steve finishes, glancing back at the baby. Hopefully the child will become something like his niece. “Can I hold her?”

 

~

 

Y/N opens the door to a very flustered looking group of heroes. She pulls the sheet draped around her body tighter against her chest and calls out for Bucky to come quick. He appears behind her seconds later looking irritated and disheveled but with decidedly more clothes on than Y/N. “Go get dressed, baby,” he murmurs as he pulls a shirt over his head.

“Sorry to interrupt Barnes but we have a situation,” Stark starts, clearly not bothered about interrupting Y/N and Bucky. “But to be honest, you and Y/N fuck enough for all of us.”

“I’m retired,” he deadpans, ignoring Tony’s last comment. Bucky’s body language is defensive as he watches them file into his home as he closes the door behind them. He won’t be torn away from Y/N again, for _anything_ , and they know that.

Tony shrugs as he makes himself at home on their couch. “So is Barton apparently but we still haven’t managed to get rid of him.”

“Well I _really_ am. So whatever it is-,”

The bundle in Natasha’s arms starts to whimper then, and the whimpers quickly turn to cries. Bucky’s eyes snap to her and then to the blanket in her arms, “ _Chto u vas tam_ , Natalia?” _What do you have there?_ He asks in sharp Russian, only succeeding in making the baby cry harder.

Tony rolls his eyes, "You were right Rogers, he'll be a wonderful father." He pauses for effect and then says, "He’s already made her cry.”

Steve ignores Tony and makes quick work of explaining where the child came from and where they want her to stay. Bucky’s eyes have grown to the size of saucers as he looks at the people occupying his living room. “So we need someone to take care of her, but also a person that could protect her-,”

“And you want me and Y/N to-,”

“Yeah.” Steve glances around. “We know you’ve been trying to have a baby and that it might never happen for you. But she has no family and she needs protection. We’ve already made some calls that could get her adoption rushed, meanwhile you and Y/N would be her guardians. You would be approved quickly considering the special circumstances. Her case is special.”

Y/N steps forward quickly from where she had been listening in the hall, sidestepping Bucky and Steve to peer down at the baby in the blanket. Y/N has changed into sweatpants and one of Bucky’s shirts, looking very soft and domestic. “Really? Can I hold her? What’s her name? This isn’t some practical joke is it? We’ve been trying for so long now.” She steps closer to Natasha and hesitantly strokes the squalling girl’s cheek with the back of one finger. “What’s her name?” She asks again, already looking to be in awe of the baby. 

“Zoya.”

“Oh, my. That's a very pretty name,” she murmurs. “Where is she from?”

“Russia,” Nat says and gently hands over the screaming baby. The baby settles against Y/N easily, quieting almost immediately as she looks up at Y/N with wide, curious eyes. She has softly curling dark brown hair and big blue eyes. She could be Bucky’s daughter their looks are so similar. 

Y/N coos at the tiny girl and sways her back and forth, shifting her weight from foot to foot. “Poor baby. Look how pretty you are. Look at those eyes. How old is she?”

"A little over a year old," Natasha answers. 

“That’s the first time she’s shut up since we found her,” Tony says. “She stops crying but she makes these sounds like someone’s pinching her.”

Y/N glares at him, her arms tightening protectively around Zoya, “Maybe it’s your bad attitude.”

Tony rolls his eyes dramatically, “We brought diapers and clothes and a bassinet and…other child care products.”

“Buck?” Steve asks. His best friend is still just standing there, frozen in disbelief. “You okay?”

He nods slowly, still not saying anything. “Want to hold her?” Y/N asks, looking up to smile at her husband.

That seems to get him to unthaw. He jerks back as though shocked and shakes his head, “No.” His voice is horrified. “Oh, god, no. I can’t.” Y/N looks devastated when he suddenly turns and walks away.

“We’ll give you a minute,” Natasha says, forcing the boys outside to help carry in the supplies they had brought.

Y/N nods and slowly makes her way down the hall, carefully easing open their bedroom door with her foot. Their sheets are still in a tangle from their interrupted activities. Bucky sits at the edge of the bed, facing away from her as he stares out their bedroom window at the snowy landscape. “Bucky?”

He doesn’t turn but sighs and pats the space next to him. Cautiously she perches on the bed and adjusts Zoya in her arms. The little girl is starting to fall asleep, her fingers hooked tightly in Y/N’s shirt. “Look, she’s falling asleep, Buck.”

Bucky looks over at the child and nods, “It’s because you’re soft.”

“And you aren't?” She asks in disbelief, thinking of all the times she'd fallen asleep on the man, thinking of his quiet, lovable personality. 

He shrugs, “Probably why she stopped crying when you took her from Nat. We aren't soft people." He shakes his head and looks away from the little girl. "You know the saying. Babies and dogs can tell when someone is a bad person.”

“Is that what you’re afraid of?” She asks incredulously. “Bucky we’ve been trying for a baby for so long. You’ve always told me you want a big household full of kids.” She glances down, “And here’s our first miracle.”

“That was when I thought it would never happen," he mutters. 

Her spine stiffens and there’s suddenly a heavy pressure behind her eyes. “So you lied all this time about wanting children? You could say it because you thought we'd never conceive? Never be approved to adopt-,”

“No! No, I just…I want kids. I do. I didn't lie to you Y/N. But now that she’s here...and so unexpectedly,” he shakes his head again, dejection pouring off him in waves, “How could I have ever thought I’d be a good father? That I could be one at all?” He glances down at his hands, metal and flesh twinning together, “Hydra took that away for a reason. Maybe I should leave it that way.”

Tears blur her eyes as she stands and Bucky’s heart breaks. She probably hates him now. She's probably realizing what a poor choice she’s made, in a husband and potential father of her children. He doesn't look up from the floorboards as Y/N hovers beside him. “I can’t believe,” she starts, “After all these years and all the love I’ve given you that you still manage to think you aren’t good enough. You will be a _wonderful_ dad. You’ll learn how to be one. Everyone in the world is nervous about being a first-time parent. Right now, all this baby needs is warmth and love and protection. And you do that every day for me, you self-deprecating bastard. Now hold out your arms.”

He shakes his head, glancing up to meet his wife's tear-filled eyes, “The metal Y/N-,”

“She’s in a blanket.” A tear tracks down her cheek. “God, Buck, please. Please, this is what we’ve been trying so hard to get and here she is. Please, don’t turn her away. She needs us, she needs a home.”

“Okay, okay.” Apprehensively, his gaze drifts to Zoya. “I do want this. I want her. But Y/N, I’m afraid.”

She leans down and presses her lips to his forehead. “That’s why we’re in this _together_. We can do this because we have each other. We’ve wanted this for _so long_. And I know it’s scary but we have the possibility of a family, right here. Zoya will love you.”

“Doll-,”

“Please, just hold her for a minute. You’ll see.” When he hesitates again she pulls back and looks in his eyes, “For me? Please? Only for a minute.”

Defeat and anxiety mar his features as he holds out his arms. “Careful, Y/N,” he murmurs as she settles the little girl in his arms. She look up at them with big blue eyes, Y/N taking a seat next to Bucky on the bed.

Y/N adjusts his arm a little so her head is in a better position. “Careful with her head, Buck.”

Zoya seems to be evaluating Bucky, her eyes roving over his features slowly before her bottom lip starts to tremble again. Bucky freezes, his body going hard and unforgiving. “Rock her,” Y/N instructs quickly, rubbing his bicep with one hand as her other strokes Zoya's hair. “Bounce her a little. Just relax, Buck. She knows you’re tense. Babies like soft things, remember?”

He rocks Zoya gently, doing his best to relax. “Shhh,” he murmurs, awe coating his voice. “I’ve got you.”

Zoya suddenly smiles and giggles, reaching up with tiny hands as she babbles at them. Her fingers scrabble at Bucky’s shirt as she stares up at them. “My first thought,” Y/N whispers, sensing a shift in Bucky, “was that she looks like you.” He suddenly exudes protectiveness, his eyes locked on the tiny, delicate fingers reaching for him. 

“You think?” He asks, not looking away from Zoya. “No, you’re too pretty to look like me, aren’t you?” He murmurs at her. Y/N moves her hand from Zoya's hair to stroke her tiny cheek as Zoya’s eyelids start to droop. One of her hands rests against Bucky's t-shirt, near his heart as she nuzzles toward his warmth.  

“She must trust you,” Natasha says from the doorway where she leans against the wooden frame. Bucky glances over his shoulder as Y/N turns. “She hasn’t slept since we left Europe.” Y/N knows what Nat is doing. The spy knows as well as Y/N does what _trust_ means to Bucky. That anyone trusts him is a small miracle to Bucky. 

Bucky just hums gently, still rocking Zoya. His cheeks are a light shade of pink at the praise. “Stop exaggerating, Natalia.” Y/N giggles and kisses his cheek, knowing he won’t be putting the baby down for a long time. Already he seems completely charmed by her and Y/N knows Zoya will have him wrapped around her finger in no time. 

“The boys are setting up the stuff we brought in the spare room. More permanent stuff will arrive in a few days. Tony made a few extravagant orders before we left.”

“We can put the bassinet in here.” Y/N says as she adjusts the blanket around Zoya. "She's falling asleep and we'll want to keep her close."

“Bassinet?” Bucky asks as though he can’t imagine having to put her down. His arms tighten a protective fraction around Zoya as though he expects Y/N and Nat to rip her away from him and force him to put her down in the already hated bassinet. 

Nat smirks and rolls her eyes, “Yeah. You can’t hold the baby forever, Barnes.” Bucky turns and glares at her. It’s obvious he’ll damn well try.

“She’s sleeping,” he says quietly, because she finally has fallen asleep. “If I move her she’ll wake up.” Zoya’s fingers are hooked in Bucky’s shirt tightly as tiny snores leave her, her small form curled toward his chest. “I’m not putting her down,” he growls. 

Y/N smiles, “Alright, Buck. We won’t make you put her down.” Leaning down she presses a kiss to Zoya’s forehead before standing and walking to Nat at the door. She hugs the other woman who goes stiff for a moment before hugging Y/N back. “Thanks, Nattie.”

Nat just shakes her head, “You’ll be great parents.” She sounds wistful. “Just promise you’ll bring her to visit us.”

“’Course she’ll have to visit her aunt Nat.” Y/N says as she grips Nat’s hand and pulls her out of the room. Bucky watches them go as he settles in the center of bed, sitting up against the headboard and cradling Zoya carefully to his chest. When he tries to adjust the blanket Zoya grasps his finger with a surprising strength. He smiles as reality starts to set in. This is his baby, his daughter.

Maybe someone he doesn’t deserve, dropped into his life as suddenly as Y/N had been. But one thing that he’s learned to stop questioning in his time with Y/N is why good things happen to him. After everything he’d been through, he deserves Y/N’s love and he’ll do anything to keep it and make her happy.

And now he has this little girl, something he thought virtually impossible. He doubts he’ll ever be able to be separated from Zoya now, a fierce love growing in him by the second. The little girl’s grip on his finger and her easy sleep suggests her trust in him too.

He smiles at the sleeping baby, still a little bit baffled by his fortune, and certainly grateful for Y/N’s grounding presence and stern reminders of his goodness, his worthiness. His eyes start to feel heavy, the warm weight against his chest combined with Zoya’s small snores and the happiness spreading in his heart makes dropping off almost easy.

When he wakes a few hours later Y/N is curled up against him, her face is against his shoulder as her soft breaths fan against his neck.

Its soft and warm and good and everything he once believed, and on bad days _still believes_ , he doesn’t deserve. “She’s special,” Y/N murmurs lowly, blinking slowly as she wakes. “Nat said. She has a gift. They aren’t sure what exactly but she’s exhibited signs and that’s why someone wanted her. To use. That’s why they’re making sure we’re made legal guardians as soon as possible so they can rush the adoption. Especially since she’s showing signs so early.” Then she pinches him gently, "You fell asleep sitting up."

"I did," he says, and then, “We’ll keep her safe, Y/N.”

“I know.” She pauses and leans up to kiss Bucky’s cheek. “They put her room together nicely. Although I think Tony is cooking up something more dramatic and expensive like Nat warned. He also said he’s coming by to update and upgrade all of our security stuff.”

“Good.”

“Nice of him.”

“He’s soft. He cares. He cares about you a lot and probably Zoya now.” Bucky says, marveling at the tiny fingers still on his. “But he’ll never say it.”

“Like another big softie I know.”

He frowns over at her, “I tell you all the time how important you are.”

Y/N grins and kisses his pouty lips gently, “You’ve only said ‘I love you’ a handful of times. And I know you love me, and I know it’s hard for you to say. But you and Tony are the same in that respect, hon.”

“I love you,” he says immediately, worried that she might somehow not know despite everything. He had thought he had done well showing his love in other ways. “I do, Y/N. Don’t doubt that.”

“Ah but now how am I supposed to know I didn’t coerce it out of you?” He glares at her before she laughs and reaches out for Zoya. Bucky allows the little girl to be taken from him. Y/N cradles her and then settles her in the center of the bed, unwrapping her blanketed cocoon. She wears a little onesie. It’s mint green and just a tad small for her. Zoya starts to squirm in her sleep until Y/N rewraps her and Bucky allows his index finger to be claimed again. “Do you remember our wedding night?”

Bucky curls his bionic arm behind Y/N’s back and pulls her close, kissing the side of her head. “Of course I do.”

“You remember how the ocean sounded? How warm it was? The breeze fluttering around us? That bed was so soft and the food was so good and the beach was so pretty but you stayed with me on our balcony all day when I didn’t want to go down to the beach and get sandy. Everything was so bright and beautiful and right.”

“You should write a book, doll,” Bucky teases, nuzzling against her cheek.

“But do you remember?” He nods against her temple. “I thought then…if you’re so tender and good to me, so accommodating and patient, how good you would be to our kids one day. I knew then, I was _sure_ , that I wanted kids and I only wanted them with you. And then we weren’t sure if we would ever be able to. And then Zoya comes to us.” She rubs Zoya’s belly softly. “It just feels like a miracle.” She turns and kisses his cheek, “Everything with you feels like a miracle.”

Bucky’s a little shocked. He never considered, that all this time, he was Y/N’s saving grace too. He never considered that Y/N might have found something in him that she hadn’t found in anyone else, a love and patience and understanding that she hadn’t felt anywhere else. He smiles and kisses her lips slowly. “She’s our miracle, Y/N, but you were my miracle first.”

“Buck-,”

He kisses her again. “I can say it, Y/N. I can say it and mean it, every day. I love you. And I love Zoya. Already,” he says, glancing down at her, “I love her.”

“Me too. As soon as I saw her. As soon as I heard what they were saying.” She presses yet another kiss to his lips, “Wanna see her room?” He hesitates and so Y/N continues, “We can bring her. I’m sure your arm never gets tired.”

He brightens suddenly, “You’re right.” His metal arm never gets tired, a good thing when holding a child for an extended period of time. 

“I am, aren’t I? You find out good things about yourself every day, Buck.”

Bucky pinches her side and moves to pick up Zoya, deciding that finding out good things about himself isn’t always cause for guilt, especially when it benefits Y/N or Zoya.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has a bachelor party. They've been engaged for about eight or nine months. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I love you guys! Let me know what you think! <3

It’s early on a Sunday morning when Y/N wakes to the sound of raucous laughter and loud, slurred conversation. First it’s in the hall, someone insisting very loudly that they can in fact open the door themselves as another voice huffs out exhausted sighs and instructions. They get the door open and tromp into the apartment with heavy footfalls. Y/N sits up in bed, chuckling a little, and searches for a pair of sweats to slip on.

As she pulls on a cardigan and tugs it tight around her body she hears Bucky saying, “I had t’come home, Stevie. Haveta see Y/N. Is she here?”

“Yeah, pal, she’s here. Probably asleep.”

“Shhh!” The blond is suddenly shushed by a clearly very intoxicated Bucky. Y/N can imagine the complete look of indignation on Steve’s face. She giggles and reaches for the door handle to their bedroom. “Y/N’s sleepin’, Steve!” His voice doesn’t change in volume but it does take on a whispering quality. Something is knocked to the floor then as giggles erupt from the person who’s knocked it over. Y/N would guess Bucky because the defeated sigh that follows definitely belongs to Steve. “She’s sleepin’ n’ your gonna wake her up. You sound like a buffalo in a….in a…how’s tha’ sayin’ go?”

“It’s not a buffalo. It’s ‘bull in a china shop’,” Steve sighs heavily again. “And this isn’t the situation where you would use that idiom.” There’s more noisy shuffling around as Y/N leans her ear against the bedroom door, a wide grin plastered to her face. “You aren’t being any quieter,” Steve says, sounding more than a little amused and smug.

“I am too!” He roars and Y/N decides then to open the door, laughing at the pair of them. Bucky spins around as Steve gives her a small wave. Immediately Bucky stumbles toward her, gipping her hips a little hard when he crashes into her. “Did we wake you?”

A small _oof_ leaves Y/N as Bucky leans more of his weight into her. “No. The buffalo did,” she sasses, voice a little strained as she struggles to hold Bucky up.

“Steve’s the buffalo,” he mutters into her neck, wrapping his arms around her waist.

She rolls her eyes at Steve and pats Bucky’s back, “I take it that the bachelor party went well, baby?”

Bucky turns and hooks his arm around her neck, “Steve, Y/N calls me baby. She calls me baby cause she’s my girl.”

“I heard, Buck,” he says amusedly.

“Do you think she likes me?” He whisper-shouts to Steve. “I like her a lot.”

“I hope so,” Steve deadpans as he crosses his arms over his broad chest. “She’s agreed to marry you in a few days so I think it might be a good guess that she does. Y/N do you like Bucky?”

Shaking her head and giggling Y/N motions Steve over as best she can, “I do like him. I like him quite a bit. But can I get a little help? He’s a bit heavy.”

“Oh, baby,” Bucky says, lurching away from her, “Oh god. ‘m sorry. Did I hurt you? Do ya really like me? I like you.” He slurs, “Are ya still gonna call me baby?”

She pats his cheek, “It’s quite alright, my lovely boy. I’ll call you baby as long as you keep calling me doll.”

His cheeks turn a light pink as Steve grabs him by the arm and tugs him away from Y/N and through the bedroom door, depositing him on the soft sheets Y/N had been lying in moments before. Bucky rolls over and smiles sleepily up at her, “’Course doll.” Content, he closes his eyes and almost immediately he falls asleep. He lies spread-eagled with his mouth hanging open as snores leave him. Both Y/N and Steve snort at the display.

She glances at Steve then as they leave the bedroom and quietly close the door, “I’ve never seen him like that before, so goofy. It’s nice.”

“I have. But I think I forgot just how giggly he gets, like a big kid that’s too enthusiastic about everything. Like a buffalo in a china shop I guess,” he chuckles. “So happy and carefree and…I dunno Y/N. I…I’m really glad that he met you. He’s more like my old best friend all the time, y’know, not that I expect him to be anymore. It’s just nice to see him happy after everything that happened to him. And you make him that happiest he’s ever been.”

Y/N smiles and leans up to kiss Steve’s cheek. “I’m honored you thinks so, Steve.” She whirls away and goes about starting a pot of coffee. “He was given something Asgardian, I assume, or he wouldn’t have been able to get drunk.” Y/N says as he sits at the counter on a stool. “But my question is: why aren’t _you_ plastered?”

He shrugs as she turns and leans across from him. “Somebody has to look out for him.”

“Aw Steve, nobody wants a sober friend,” She says with a grin. “That means you remember all the embarrassing shit everyone does.” 

He chuckles. “Well I wanted to make sure. He should be okay, by the way. The serum’ll burn it out pretty quick. He really shouldn’t even be hungover.”

“I’m surprised he managed to get _drunk_ drunk.”

“If anyone else drank that much they’d be dead.” Steve smirks, “Five dollars that he’ll milk his ‘hangover’ for everything its worth though, to get you to take care of him.” Steve makes air quotes around the word hangover.

She wags a finger at him and turns to attend to the beeping coffee pot. “No need to make that bet with me, Rogers. I know he’ll drag it out and whine.” She pours a cup for him and pushes it across the counter as she says, “He’s just like that. But I like it.”

“I’m really glad he met you, Y/N.” His voice cracks a little and all Y/N can do is smile and reach out to pat his hand.

 

~

When Steve leaves several hours later Y/N goes back to their bedroom with a glass of water, easing the door open slowly so as not to disturb the sleeping soldier. He’s rolled over onto his stomach now, his head buried deep in a pillow as snores leave him. She’s never seen him in such a deep slumber as he recovers from whatever dangerously large amount of alcohol he’d ingested.

Y/N’s smile is fond as she sets the glass on the bedside table. She perches on the edge of the bed and threads her fingers through his soft hair. God, does Y/N love his hair. Sometimes she wonders what it would have been like to run her hands through when it was long. He smells like a bar, like liquor and stale sweat, but she still dips her head to brush her lips against his temple.

The black boots Bucky always wear are still on his feet and so she moves to take them off as gently as she can, wishing she had the strength to strip him out of the rest of his clothes. He looks awfully uncomfortable in the stiff jeans and button-up shirt. But there’s nothing to be done about it until he wakes up.

“Doll?” Bucky’s graveled voice calls just as she’s depositing his boots in the closet.

She turns with hands on her hips and says, “Mornin’ Buck.”

“Come ta bed,” he reaches one hand out blindly to her. “Please? Need ma girl.”

Creeping closer once more she pauses by the head of the bed and looks down into his sleepy eyes. “What do you need from me, sugar?” She murmurs as she buries her hand in his feather-soft hair again. “Hm? Brought you some water.” Y/N manages to keep the amusement out of her features, knowing that Bucky was exaggerating his hangover, just as she and Steve predicted, to capture her attentions and affection. Which honestly isn’t necessary but she’s game to play along anyways.

She giggles when all he does is groan and press his face into the pillow. “Sit up, Buck. I’ll help you with your clothes.” Slowly, he does, allowing Y/N to unbutton his shirt and slip it off his shoulders, pulling off the black leather glove covering his left hand. She presses a kiss to his palm before letting it fall. He'd kept his hands on her hips while she worked on his shirt buttons, slipping his hands down to run over her bare thighs. Y/N thinks she hears him murmur something that sounds suspiciously like, "Pretty legs," under his breath. Really Y/N can only smile in delight. 

Bucky uses her for support when she coaxes him into standing and helps him pull his jeans off. “A shower helps,” she tells him. “Go shower and I’ll make you something to eat.”

“I think I need to lie down,” he says, swaying a little. 

“You big baby,” she teases.

“Sorry I’m not a seasoned drinker like you, doll,” Bucky snarks right back. 

She rolls her eyes and says with a smirk, “Even though Steve told me the alcohol would burn out of your system really quickly? And that you recover _really, really_ fast and shouldn’t even have a hangover?”

Bucky pulls Y/N down onto the mattress, burying his face into the softness of her stomach. “Steve is a shit.”

“I thought he was a buffalo?”

“That too,” he says before looking up at her, “But I am hungover, Y/N. I drank…a lot of that shit. And my version of the serum isn’t quite as good as Steve’s and my head is killing me and-,” His face pales a few shades then, “I think I might throw up.”

“Bucky! Why didn’t you say something!”

He winces at the volume of her voice, shushing her gently as she giggles at him. “You thought I was faking, didn’t you?” It only makes Y/N giggle more.

“To be fair, it is something you would do.”

“Were you going to take care of fake hungover me?”

“Yes.”

“Even after you called me out?”

“Yes.” She answers honestly, “Because I love you and I thought it would be adorable and I like taking care of you.” His cheeks tint red as she strokes his jaw, “And don’t you dare tell anyone about my feelings for you, it’ll ruin my reputation.”

“Little late for that since we’re getting married in a few days. And I think everyone already knows how soft you are anyways, baby.”

She runs her hands over him gently, “Poor thing. Did you at least have fun?”

“Tony hired strippers.”

She bursts out laughing, her chuckles shaking Bucky’s head who glares at her. “Sorry, Bucky baby. And how did you like the strippers?”

“Ain’t got nothin’ on you, doll.” He says as she traces scars littered across his upper back. “I was anxious and I didn’t want to be away from you. They gave me shit for being dependent but I don’t care. You weren’t taken that long ago and…from this apartment.” In reality it happened almost a full year ago but Y/N suspects it’s something Bucky will never get over, never stop blaming himself for. “But I promised you I would try to have fun so when Thor showed up I figured it was the only way,” he grouses. “And,” he continues after a moment, “Tony kept threatening to hijack the party if I didn’t relax and I couldn’t have that.”

He caresses her side and hip, fingers dancing worriedly over where he knows scars lie, left there by the same people who had once hurt him. “And did you have fun, Buck? It seemed like you did. Steve said you did.” Y/N gently tries to change the subject. 

“I did,” he says. “And you’re okay, safe and sound, right where I left you.” Bucky nuzzles into her and sighs in contentment. 

“Mm, I’m just fine,” she says comfortingly, knowing he needs to hear it, as she strokes her fingers through his hair and Bucky absorbs the attention happily. After a few minutes she starts to wiggle out from beneath him. “But you need to shower. And brush your teeth.”

“But _babbyyy,”_ he whines, gripping her hips, trying to get her to stay.

She smiles and rubs his back, “You’ll feel better, I promise. I’ll even start the water for you and lie out your clothes. All you have to do is-,”

“Join me.”

“But how will I make you coffee then? That’s good for hangovers too.” She pushes his hair back, “Hm?”

Gingerly he begins to stand, making Y/N suppress a giggle, “You act like you’ve been shot, Buck.”

“I know what it’s like to be shot. This is worse. I haven’t been hungover in seventy years.” He groans as he shuffles toward their en suite. “And it’s about a hundred time worse on the Asgardian stuff.”

Y/N just giggles again, “I know you’re exaggerating, Buck.”

“Are you laughing at me?” he asks from the bathroom, tone affronted.

She doesn’t answer as she laughs louder and fuller, bouncing up from the bed to rush to the bathroom. A pair of boxers lie on the floor and Y/N blatantly appraises him, from his thighs to his abs, to his cock, heavy and beginning to harden just from her gaze. She glances to his face and gives him a sly smile. “I know what’ll make you feel better,” she purrs, slinking closer to him.

All pink ears and cheeks, Bucky holds out a hand to her. She takes it and lets him drag her closer. Gripping her hips he pulls her flush against him, grinding slowly against her. “Naughty, Y/N. Aren’t you saving yourself for our wedding night?” He jokes.

She pouts, “Now that’s just cruel,” Y/N says as her hands run down his muscular thighs and back up over his ass. “Especially when you’re standing here looking like this.” Her fingers trace low over his abs, muscles clenching in anticipation, before they go to his shoulders instead of further down where he craves her touch.

“ _Please_ , Y/N.”

“What?” She asks innocently, gazing at him through her lashes. “Please what? Saving myself, remember? Doesn’t that mean I can touch you everywhere but-,” her fingers brush through the small thatch of hair a the base of his cock. 

Y/N finds herself suddenly on the bathroom counter, Bucky between her thighs, as the bathroom starts to fill with steam from the hot water Bucky had started in the shower. She lets his hands rove over her body for a moment before they come to settle on her sensitive breasts. When he plucks her nipples she pushes him away with a cheeky smirk and says, “I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re finished.”

“Doll-,”

But she’s already gone.

 

~

 

When Bucky finishes a very dizzy and sexually frustrating shower he goes out to the kitchen in only a pair of sweats, still toweling off his short hair. He feels a lot better, his body seeming to have recovered in the time it took him to shower. Sometimes, he’s really grateful for the serum. Y/N is leaning in the living room window, looking out across the street, her body framed by warm sunshine.

She only wears one of his t-shirts and when she leans forward it’s clear she doesn’t have any panties on, having taken them off at some point while he showered. He stalks forward, mouth landing on her neck when he cages her in, hands braced on the glass of the window. “You’re killin’ me, woman.”

“You seem like you’re feeling better.”

“How can I not with my lovely fiancée walking around the way she is?” He wraps one arm around her waist. “In a few days you’ll be my lovely wife.”

Her eyes suddenly start to water as she turns in his arms, Bucky pulling her away from the window to fall back on their couch. Y/N presses her hands to either side of his face and leans down to kiss him from where she had fallen on top of him. “And you’ll be my lovely husband, Bucky Barnes.”

“Yes I will, baby,” he murmurs as he pushes some of her hair back, looking up into her eyes. “Something I never thought I would have.”

“You almost do.”

He nods, eyes drifting to her mouth. “When I got drafted…I knew. It would never happen. I was going to die in Europe, I knew as soon as I got that letter that I was going to die. I guess that’s true, that’s what happened. But then I came back, in a way, and I still thought…surely I didn’t deserve that, a family, a nice girl to settle down with.” He glances back up to meet her curious stare, “And then Sam swiped right on a pretty girl’s profile. And you just happened to be my perfect girl.” Bucky reaches up to caress her cheek, his thumb drifting over her bottom lip. “My soulmate.”

“You better write all that down for the wedding,” she murmurs, even when a tear drips down her cheek. “I want everyone to know what a romantic shit you are.” Y/N dips her head to brush her nose against his as she whispers, “You think we’re soulmates?”

“I _know_ we are.” He just manages to get out before she crashes her mouth against his. “I know we are, baby.” Bucky murmurs again as his hands slide down her waist to her ass. He cups the supple flesh and squeezes. “Perfect for me in every way. How else would I have found you so quickly, as soon as I started looking?”

Nipping gently at his bottom lip, Y/N doesn’t say anything, not really able to at the moment. “I love you,” she says eventually. “So much. My lovely, perfect man.”

His cheeks are pink when she pulls back to look at him. “No panties?” He questions, trying to break the serious moment he’d inadvertently created.

“Less clothes to take off,” she murmurs, kissing him again for good measure.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is continued from the Christmas part I posted earlier. The reader and Bucky have been together almost a year and it’s nearing Christmas.
> 
> I hope you like it! Let me know what you think and thank you for reading!!❤️❤️❤️

“Christ _mas_ , Christ _mas_ , Christ _mas_ , Christ _mas_ -,”

Bucky throws open the bathroom door and mock glares at a very excited Y/N. “Do you have to chant like that?”

“Yes!” She takes his hand and tugs him out of the bathroom and closer to her. “Because it’s a Christmassy sorta day!” Y/N wriggles excitedly on the spot.

Mesmerized by her smile Bucky pulls her closer, gripping her hips lightly. “Give me a Christmas kiss then, Y/N,” he murmurs, leaning closer as his cheeks turn rosy. His jaw clenches slightly as he pushes his forehead against hers and closes his eyes, happy to be back in their small apartment, happy to be back with Y/N.

He’d been dealing with a lot lately. There had been mission after mission after mission since they’d decorated their apartment back in November and absolutely no time for them to do any other Christmas themed stuff together.

On top of that he’s been having trouble with his memories and keeping track of time. He’s also been having nightmares which he hasn’t had in a few months, at least not so badly. So, a few days ago Steve benched him and no doubt told Y/N about how he’s been losing time, hours of his days gone to oblivion. Upon evaluation at the Tower it had become apparent that stress was the culprit and that Bucky’s defense mechanism is to simply block things out.

Apparently, in an ironic twist, his brain blocks out nothing when he’s asleep. Nighttime has once again become something of a battle field and the evidence lies in dark circles beneath his eyes.

So here he is, after several grueling weeks, back with his girl. His girl, who is very worried for his wellbeing and doing everything in her power to surround him with good things. Today alone she had baked him cookies, bought his favorite takeout, and given him a new fluffy sweater.

She shakes her head at him now, “Nope.”

“You won’t kiss me?” He frowns but keeps his forehead pressed against hers, his eyes closed.

“I will, but not here.”

“Where then, sweetheart?”

Y/N giggles and shuffles forward a few feet without letting go of him. “Look up.” He pulls back and opens his eyes to glance up, finding himself under the bathroom doorway where a large bit of mistletoe dangles. “Now you can kiss me!”

He chuckles and looks back to her eyes, a mischievous sparkle lying there. “Well now you _have_ to kiss me and I think that’s called coercion, Y/N. I don’t want to coerce you.”

“But it’ll be a Christmas kiss this way.” He rolls his eyes playfully at her as she continues, “I put mistletoe in all our doorways so that you have more chances of Christmas kisses.”

“We don’t have that many doorways, doll,” he teases, pinching her sides. “I think we have three.”

She pouts. “C’mon, Buck. I’m tryin’ here. It was really hazardous getting them up. When I put up the one in the front door I almost got caught under it with Sam! Imagine…me and Sam? I mean-,”

Bucky presses his mouth hotly to hers, devouring her hungrily as she giggles against him, her smile growing by the second. He pulls away with a whine, “Baby, I’m tryin’ to be jealous and possessive and I can’t do that if you’re _giggling_ at me.”

She only pats his cheek and says, “Are you ready to go? Better now that you’ve kissed me?”

“Yeah.” There’s a slight sigh in his voice.

They’re going to get a Christmas tree.

The day after they had decorated Y/N had decided she wanted a real tree. So, they had moved the fake one Bucky had gotten from the living room to their now very cramped bedroom. But then Bucky had left for weeks on several missions and they hadn’t had a chance to get another one. And Y/N didn’t want to get one without Bucky considering how eager he had been to the celebrate the holiday. The rest of the apartment’s decorations had been slowly added to however, to the point where Sam had taken one look around when he had come to check on her one evening and said, “Damn. It looks like Christmas threw up in here.”

“You were so excited for Christmas,” Y/N says now, noting Bucky’s down expression. “What happened?”

He gives her a strained smile. “I’m just tired, babydoll.”

Her face falls, “Oh, Buck, I’m sorry…I didn’t even think-,”

“Hey,” he presses one hand to either of her cheeks. “It’s okay.” He stokes his thumbs over her cheekbones. “Let’s go. Get your coat, Y/N.”

She shakes her head, “It’s not okay. Of course you’re tired. And the nightmares…I know you won’t tell me about them but you should get some rest. Lie down and I’ll-,”

“They’re about you.”

Y/N pauses and shakes her head, brow furrowing, “What?”

“Before…they were just memories. They were about me. But now they’re starting to become about you. About losing you, about-about a lot of horrible things happening to you. And I…it-I’m afraid. That’s why people kept coming to check on you so often while I was gone. I needed to know you were okay.”

“And here I thought they liked me,” she tries to joke before she wraps her arms around him. “I’m okay, and you should get some rest.”

He smiles suddenly, it’s small and tight but it’s there. “I think I would feel better if we got our tree.” A grin stretches across her face and Bucky can’t help but mirror it, his own growing to match hers. “Plus, I know how clumsy you get in the snow and I can’t miss that.”

She slaps his chest lightly. “That’s just mean.” But still she leans forward and brushes her mouth against his temple. “But I love you anyways.”

In response he buries his nose in her neck, squeezing her tighter, never wanting to let go. Even if he wants to relax, he wants to be with Y/N more.

 

~

 

For the third time in ten minutes Bucky reaches out and stops Y/N from plummeting to the ground. She clutches at him desperately as they traipse through the Christmas tree farm.

“Maybe just hold my hand, baby,” Bucky says with a chuckle, threading his fingers through hers.

She shoots a glare at him before gripping his fingers tight. “This is so stupid. I walk around in heels all year but as soon as I put on boots I can’t stay upright to save my life.”

“Good thing you have me then, doll. Anything catching your eye?”

Y/N looks around as Bucky watches her feet to make sure she doesn’t trip suddenly. “Which do you like? There are too many of them.”

“Narrow it down for me.”

They’ve been out in the cold for more than a few hours and his left shoulder is starting to ache something terrible, not that he’ll tell Y/N that. It’s too enjoyable. The crisp, clean air of New York’s countryside mixes with the pine smell of the many trees surrounding them. Y/N had mentioned in the car that she grew up near where they were. For a moment he had been terrified that Y/N would suggest going to see her parents. But she had only patted his thigh and said they’d do that when he was ready.

He had felt guilty but grateful and decided that sometime after the New Year he’d suggest going for a visit to her parents.

They could have found a tree much faster, had they not stopped for hot apple cider at a diner on their way over from the city. Not only that but once they had gotten to the farm Y/N kept stopping him at intervals to kiss him.

Which inevitably turned into them making out for several minutes.

And so really he can deal with the ache in his shoulder if it meant the pattern would continue.

Y/N points now to three different trees in quick succession. “Those three. We’ve walked past them a couple of times now. That one that looks a little bendy,” she points. “That’s the one you pushed me into earlier when we were making out and you got a little bit too excited. And then we both fell and crushed it a little. So I think I like that one best because it makes a good story.”

“Yeah but it got sap all over me. And then snow fell on my head.” He releases her hand and runs his hand over her wet hair. “And yours too. So we need to choose something soon because you’re going to get pneumonia if we don’t.”

She sticks her tongue out and points again. “I like the crooked one that dropped snow on us.”

“I don’t know. The Charlie Brown one has some charm.”

“Have you seen that movie?”

He nods. “Sam made me watch it last Christmas.”

“Did you like it?”

“Loved it, doll. Can’t say that though because Sam’ll never get over it.”

She glances back at the trees, “Let’s get that one then. It’s smaller and it’ll be easier to get into the apartment.” A smile lights her face as she leans up to kiss his cheek. “It’s perfect.”

“Are you sure?” He says doubtfully. “We can get the other one-,”

“Nope! This one. It’s perfect.” She says again, pulling him down into a kiss.

Bucky chuckles against her mouth, wrapping his arms around her back as Y/N’s hands go to his jaw, pulling him impossibly closer. “You’re very affectionate today,” he pulls back enough to whisper against her lips. “Why is that?”

“Missed you and you need extra love lately.”

“I’m okay-,”

“It’s Christmas,” she says fiercely. “Everyone deserves extra love at Christmas time.”

Something in his chest cracks, wild love breaking lose for the woman in front of him threatening to spill out. He kisses her again and when he pulls back she looks a little stunned. “What was that for?” Bucky just smiles and kisses her again, before pressing light kisses all over her face. And Y/N knows. It’s his extra love for her.

Bucky nips at her lip a final time and says, “Let go home. We still have to decorate our skinny little tree.”

Y/N’s eyes are suddenly alight. “I know what we’re gonna decoarate it with!”

“Ornaments?” He says confusedly.

“Nope. C’mon, let’s go get that guy to cut this down.” They start trudging back through the snow, Y/N clutching hard at Bucky’s hand again. He wraps an arm around her waist to steady her when she says, “Don’t be surprised if this guy is mean to us.”

He frowns, “Why?”

“He saw us fall on that tree and now we’re not getting it. Also we went to high school together and sometimes he still likes my Instagram posts from like weeks and weeks ago so-,”

“Aw,” Bucky says with a laugh. “He has a crush on you.”

Y/N just pushes him. “Ass.”

Bucky leans close and kisses her cheek, his own a light red. “I have a crush on you too.”

 

~

 

When Y/N and Bucky finally get home its long been dark. They set up the tree and Bucky chuckles at intervals as he remembers the look on the man’s face when he had seen just who Y/N had been kissing.

_“You’re still dating him? They stopped putting it in the news.”_

_“Must have gotten boring,” Y/N had said, smiling as Bucky glowered behind her._

_The man had leaned close, “He’s not hurting you, is he? You’re okay, right?” His eyes had flashed to Bucky._

_“Yep. Happy. In love. Healthy. All good.” She had smiled back at Bucky. “Best thing to ever happen to me really.”_

And now they’re ready to decorate again. Bucky has already strung the soft white lights around the small tree and is waiting for Y/N to come back from their bedroom. The door suddenly flies open and she bounces over to the couch. Y/N is only wearing an over-large sweater, and panties. She has knee-high socks on her feet. Bucky had forced Y/N to take a hot shower with him when they arrived home as she was shivering and damp from their many falls in the wet snow. And, if he’s honest, his shoulder was killing him.

“Look!”

She pushes a box into his hands, a box Bucky recognizes. “Why do you have this?” He asks, flipping the lid open to see the message he’d scrawled to her months ago when they had almost broken up.

“We’re going to use the pictures for decorations.”

“Oh,” he says, a little disappointed. His throat tightens. “See, the only thing is…some of the pictures are old and I don’t want to ruin them. There aren’t copies y’know and-,”

She shakes her head and takes the box from him, holding it to her chest protectively. “No. Of course not. I would never hurt them, they’re precious. I know that. You take twine and wrap it around the tree just like the lights and then you use clothespins to clip them on. Doesn’t hurt them. I promise.”

As Bucky nods Y/N pulls out another box from underneath the coffee table. “What’s that doll?” She just hands it to him with a small smile. He opens it and grins.

“All our good times,” she says. “For our tree.”

Bucky smirks and holds one up, “Some of these aren’t tree appropriate doll.”

“Consider those an early Christmas present then.” Bucky flips it around and stares at it for a moment. “That was a really good morning,” she comments.

“You look like you’re in heaven doll. So pretty and soft and sleepy.” He pauses and smirks at her, “And your boobs looks so good…maybe I do want these on the tree.”

She rolls her eyes. “Then I want this one on the top.” She holds up one of Bucky’s nudes. It’s a full body photo and one of Y/N’s most prized possessions.

“You’re filthy,” he says with a laugh as she holds the picture to her heart.

“So are you,” she accuses. But Bucky is smiling widely. He doesn’t look as tired. He looks happy. The lines around his eyes are less prominent and his face is bright. “Are you feeling better?”

Glancing up, his face softens a little and his smile becomes tender. “You always bring out the best in me, Y/N. Are you ready to decorate?”

“’Course, baby.”

It doesn’t take them long to put the twine around the tree and tack the photos on it. They intermingle photos of Bucky and Y/N together, the Avengers, Y/N’s parents and siblings, Bucky’s sisters and parents. There are many pictures of Bucky and Steve from the forties as well as present day.

It’s everything good for the two of them. It’s their life, their friends and family.

Bucky stands next to Y/N, his arm around her shoulders, as they look at the tree. “I think this is a much better tree for our living room,” Y/N muses.

“I think so too. It’s not too scrappy?” He says, tilting his head to the side as he examines the small tree.

Y/N wraps her arms around his waist and buries her nose in his neck. “No. It’s perfect.”

“We could put those other pictures on our other tree,” he comments helpfully. “Or better yet we could take new ones.”

“Is that what you want for Christmas, Bucky?” She giggles, one hand traveling to his neck, feeling the heat rise to his skin. “You want pictures of me?”

“I want pictures of _us_.” He says, holding her closer. “My favorite is that one we took right after we made love. I was behind you, half-asleep. And you just look so soft and content.” He pauses, “It’s nice.”

Silence creeps up on them then, wrapping around them securely as Bucky’s fingers go to Y/N’s hips, pushing up her sweater so he can feel her smooth skin. “Why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“Thought you like my legs?”

“I do.” He rubs her upper thighs. “Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

She’s silent for a second before she whispers, “I’m glad Steve benched you. I was worried you wouldn’t be here for Christmas.”

Kissing the side of her head he whispers, “I will be, doll. Nothing can keep me away from you. Already got you your present and everything.”

Y/N smiles and turns in his arms. “When on earth did you have time to go shopping?”

“Made Steve make a pit stop when I saw something I knew I had to have for you.”

She bounces excitedly for a moment, grinning like a kid, when she reaches up to trace the purple splotches beneath his eyes. “Let’s try sleeping first. You look dead on your feet, sugar. When did you sleep last?”

“Are you going to be mad if I say I don’t know?”

A glare is shot his way before she drags him to the bedroom, Bucky shamelessly checking out her ass and legs. “Stop looking at my legs,” she says without turning.

Bucky smirks, feeling sleepy already, looking forward to the prospect of a warm bed with Y/N next to him. The knowledge that she would be there when he woke kept the nightmares at bay and made falling asleep almost easy. “Can’t help it. You have legs straight from heaven. That’s just a fact, doll face.”

“Thanks, Buck,” she chuckles. “Leg man,” she pushes him back on the bed. “Would have thought you were an ass man.”

“I like your ass too. Especially when you wear that lingerie that has the bow on the back. You look like the perfect present Y/N.”

She laughs and tugs on his shirt. “Go to sleep,” she says once he’s stripped out of his pants.

Moving away from him she scoops up his clothes to put in the hamper in the bathroom when he says, “You aren’t coming to bed?” There’s a note of panic in his voice that makes her turn. “Y/N?” He doesn’t want to sleep without her.

“I’m comin’. One second, baby.” She goes to the bathroom and tosses his clothes into the hamper before going to the kitchen to retrieve something. Bucky’s eyes are heavy and drooping when she climbs into bed with him and he desperately tries to pull her closer. “Got one more Christmas thing to do, Buck. Can you stay awake?”

“’Course,” he murmurs. They both lie on their backs, their heads on fluffy pillows, shoulder to shoulder, as Y/N holds up an Advent calendar in her lap. Bucky glances over to find her already looking at him. “Advent calendar,” he says.

She nods, “I’ve been doing the days without you but now that you’re here we should do the rest together.”

He smiles, glad to be at home. “Agreed.” Y/N giggles and kisses his cheek. “You’re such a kid, Y/N.”

Another small laugh leaves her and she hands Bucky the calendar. He takes it and peels open the door with a 4 marked on it. A piece of chocolate falls out and Bucky quickly plucks it up to pop in Y/N’s open mouth. She looks affronted as Bucky laughs at her. Y/N chews and swallows, opening her mouth to reprimand him, as she wanted him to have the chocolate. “Not that you need to be any sweeter,” he comments as he places the Advent calendar on the bedside table. “But I thought of a better way to taste my Christmas treat.”

And then he kisses her full on the mouth. He hums in pleasure and looks drunk when he pulls back, “Orange chocolate today.”

“Yeah,” she murmurs, allowing herself to be pulled against his chest as she closes her eyes in bliss. “Orange today.”

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and the reader have been married for a while. Zoya is now five and it’s around Christmas. 
> 
> Prepare yourselves friends this is sad and I am sorry. The next chapter will take place directly after and it will be #better.
> 
> Leave me feedback please and thank you for reading! ❤️❤️

“Mama,” A small voice asks, tugging in vain on Y/N’s sleeve as she stares out the front window of their home. Snow peppers down from the dark sky, building on the already steep piles in their yard and driveway. Reflected in the glass is a perfect Christmas scene with a tree and decorations and soft light. “Mama, will Daddy be home for Christmas?”

That snaps Y/N’s attention away from the snow and back onto her five-year-old. Zoya wears a red dress and black tights, her long chestnut hair pulled into two tight braids and tied off with tiny ribbons. Y/N goes to her knees and nods. “Of course, he will, baby. He loves his little girl too much not to come home for Christmas.” _Even if he doesn’t love Y/N anymore._

Zoya’s small hand goes to her mother’s cheek, her other hand clutching desperately to a worn teddy bear dressed as Captain America, something gifted to her by her Uncle Steve. A stream of blue travels from the hand against Y/N’s cheek. “Why are you so sad? Is Daddy mad at us?” Her bottom lip trembles.

“No, no, honey. He’s not mad at you.”

“Is he mad at you?”

Y/N had promised herself long ago that she’d never lie to Zoya and so she says, “Yes. I think so, Zoya.”

“Is that why he left us?”

“Baby,” Y/N whispers, sitting on the floor cross-legged so she can pull Zoya into her lap. “He did not leave us. He had something to take care of with Uncle Steve. That’s it. That’s all.”

The blue is still streaming through Zoya’s fingers. “But Daddy was mad. He was very mad.”

“Mama made him mad, baby. It’s not your fault.” She rubs her daughter’s back soothingly, trying to get the flowing blue webbing anxiously between her fingers to subside. “Soon Uncle Steve and Aunt Nat and all the others will be here and we’ll have a proper Christmas.”

Just then headlights flash through their front window and Zoya gasps. “Daddy?” She looks up expectantly at her mother.

“I think so, baby,” she says as the little girl jumps up to glance out the front window. Y/N stands and grabs Zoya’s boots from beside the door. “Put on your boots and you can go out to meet them. I’m sure Uncle Tony has brought you something special.” The little girl hastily puts on her boots, not letting go of the shabby bear in her arms, before darting outside. Almost immediately she’s scooped up by Steve, who chuckles loudly, tickling her sides as he pretends to be surprised to find the old Captain America teddy in her arms.

Nat and Bucky get out of the car, as well as Tony and Pepper. Y/N tries to smile at them as they come closer to the house but she only manages a grimace. They file inside, greeting Y/N happily as they pass by her place on the porch. All of them bear gifts and Y/N can see the outline of more in the back of one of the SUVs.

Steve, still carrying Zoya, climbs the stairs to the porch slowly. He pauses by Y/N to lean in and give her a kiss on the cheek. Zoya is all grins, happy to be in the arms of one of her favorite people. But still she leans in and whispers, “Mama, Daddy is scared.” Y/N glances out at their snowy driveway where Bucky now stands alone. “He’s sad and scared,” she says before patting Steve cheek, “Uncle Stevie is worried.” Nervous blue energy flickers around her fingers.

“I know, baby. You two go inside. Aunt Nat will want to see you, and I’m sure Uncle Tony will let you open a present early.” Probably more than just one. It would likely take hours for her to unwrap everything he’s brought.

Steve nods and tickles Zoya again as he walks inside, calling out to Tony as he does. The door slams shut and Y/N is left in the cold, blustering wind. Bucky still stands in the snowy driveway, staring out over the blanketed fields and forest that surround their home. She can see the tightness in his shoulders, the worry, even from her place on the porch. Y/N thinks about Zoya’s words. _Daddy is scared. He’s sad and scared._

Y/N had expected anger. She had expected white hot rage and resentment.

But Zoya never lied. Not when it came to people’s emotions. She knows what they feel and tells it like it is. And then she tries to soothe them. Soothing is not a part of her powers, she can’t control their feelings, but she’s an exceptionally empathetic little girl. She always tries to make people feel better.

Y/N stands and waits. In all their time together she’s never not known how to approach Bucky. Maybe once, when they had misunderstood each other. She wonders if that’s what might be happening now.

He turns, suddenly, and motions her over, jerking his head in a ‘come here’ motion. Knowing she can’t just stand on the porch forever she does. When she trips in the snow, she expects a face full of ice. Instead she’s caught by two large hands, one warm and one cold. “Couldn’t let ya fall,” he says when she looks at him with confusion.

“Why not?” She says, ripping away from him. “Don’t you hate me?”

“Y/N-,” he starts to whisper, his eyes soft and pleading.

“No. Really Bucky you made it very clear about how you feel about me.”

He shakes his head, “Y/N. I love you. You know that. Please, let me explain-,”

“Why should I?”

“Because I was pissed off!”

“Well I’m pissed off!” Silence falls and Bucky listens to the wind howl and his girl swallow thickly. “You left us! You left me. You didn’t contact me. I had to call Steve to make sure you were safe. Zoya! Zoya was terrified. You’re her best friend. You’re her father. She thought it was her fault. You have no idea how many times I had to reassure her that you love her.”

Bucky shakes his head slowly as pain burns through his chest. “She knows I-,”

“No. Don’t. Just don’t.”

“Y/N…please,” he starts to beg. “Baby, please, please, I did it for Zoya, I did it for you even if I was mad. It’s Christmas and everyone deserves a little extra love at Christmas.”

A sob suddenly rips free from her throat, and Bucky has to catch her before she can fall to the ground. “Make it better. Please.”

“Okay, doll.”

“I owe you an explanation too,” she says, clutching at his shirt. She’s shivering hard but Bucky doesn’t want to have the conversation in front of their daughter and friends. So he pulls her toward one of the cars and yanks open the back door.

Once they’re settled inside Bucky watches as Y/N dries her tears on some spare tissues and sniffles miserably. His heart breaks. He did this to her. “I’m sorry,” he starts. “Y/N, babydoll, I’m sorry.”

She nods but doesn’t say anything as she wraps her arms around her middle. “I love you, Y/N,” he says again. “And I’m so sorry.” For a moment he doesn’t say anything. He wants to reach over to Y/N and pull her into his arms but he doesn’t know if she wants that. Bucky doesn’t know how she feels.

_Bucky shoves tactical gear into a black duffle bag. Tactical gear Y/N hadn’t even known he still owned and kept around. Anger flows off him in waves, crashing over Y/N who stands in the doorway with tears in her eyes and sorrow in her heart._

_“Don’t do this, Bucky.”_

_“You want me to sit back? Let someone else take care of the bastards that planned to use our little girl like a weapon?” He turns and glares at her. “No, not happening. I’m going. As long as they’re alive they can get to Zoya.”_

_“She needs her father. What if you don’t come back? What am I supposed to do if you don’t come back?”_

_A bitter laugh passes his lips. “Don’t pretend like you care, Y/N,” he says viciously. He hates himself for saying it. He knows Y/N cares about him but the poison flows out of his mouth unchecked._

_“What’s that supposed to mean?”_

_And suddenly the floodgates are opened. He whirls around and glares at her. “You don’t talk to me. You can barely stand to look me in the eyes. And you haven’t let me touch you in a month.” He shakes his head, “I don’t know what I did to make you so repulsed by me but this is something I’m coming out of retirement for. Whether you want me to or not. It’s clear you don’t really want me here anyways.”_

_“Bucky,” she whispers, shocked. “That’s not it at all-,”_

_“Is there someone else?”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“Have you finally gotten bored of me? Like you got bored of everyone else?” He says it because he knows it’ll hurt. He says it because he’s afraid he won’t come home from the mission he’s about to embark on. He says it because that would be easier to swallow than Y/N suddenly hating him, than Y/N suddenly realizing everything that’s wrong with him._

_He doesn’t expect the tremble that runs up Y/N’s body, or the tear that splats onto the hardwood floor. She doesn’t say anything to him after that. Not even goodbye._

“I’m sorry for what I said, Y/N,” he says with a thick swallow. “And I know it doesn’t mean a goddamn thing but I am. I’m sorry and I love you and I didn’t really mean what I said. I was afraid and I said something hurtful. But I had to go on that mission-,”

“You don’t have to do anything, James Barnes.” Y/N glares at him. “You terrified me and Zoya. She didn’t know what was happening. She didn’t understand why her dad suddenly left and didn’t come back and didn’t call. You put on your uniform before you left. Like you couldn’t have waited until you got to the Tower. She’s never seen you like that before and-and-and-,” she cuts herself off and wraps her arms around herself.

Bucky doesn’t say anything for a second. Y/N takes a deep breath and swipes at her eyes. “I’m not really mad at you for leaving. I understood why you went, though I wish you would have let us know you were okay.” Guilt eats at his stomach as he watches Y/N closely, his chest beginning to ache. “And the fact that you accused me of…of having someone else. I j-just don’t understand how that thought could have even entered your mind.”

Her bottom lip trembles and before he can say anything else she takes a deep breath and straightens her shoulders. “I’m pregnant. This time I’m sure. That tiny, tiny, tiny chance came true. And I’m scared and I didn’t know what you would think or what you want me to do and so I didn’t let you near me because I was afraid that you would somehow know. And before you can fucking ask, _yes_ , it’s yours.”

And with that she gets out of the car and slams the door hard, leaving Bucky there in shock.

He’s frozen. He can’t move.

Pregnant…

It’s impossible.

Or nearly impossible. And yet…

Panic, hard and unyielding suddenly grips his lungs. He remembers the words they’d heard a few years ago at one of the many clinics they had visited. _If she were to get pregnant it would be a difficult pregnancy. Minimal stress and no straining yourself physically._

And suddenly Bucky is sprinting across the snow-covered drive, noting Y/N’s tracks and the small smear that indicates she might have slipped. It only makes him run faster, slamming through the front door, past the living room and the people sitting in it, down the hall, and into their bedroom.

Before Y/N can say anything Bucky has his arms around her, squeezing tightly. “Y/N…Y/N,” he whispers into her hair. “Baby,” he says lowly. “You’re really pregnant?”

“Yes,” a tear escapes her eye and Bucky leans back to swipe it away. “I am and I’m afraid. I don’t know what I want. I was sure it wouldn’t...that we couldn’t. And I don’t know what you want...what you want me to do.”

She finds herself suddenly on the bed, Bucky sitting beside her, one hand on her back. “God,” he shakes his head. “And I’ve done nothing but stress you out and cause you pain and the things I said-,” He shakes his head, “ _Pregnant_.”

“Yes,” she murmurs again. “And I don’t know what to do.”

Bucky wants to contradict her but there’s a very real possibility that she could lose the baby or even her life. “Y/N…” If he loses Y/N, if Zoya lost her mother...he doesn’t know he’ll be able to go on. Y/N is his strength, his light. He had been so afraid when he arrived that she would tell him he ruined everything, to get lost.

Just then the bedroom door is pushed open and Zoya stands there with tears in her eyes and a tight grip on her bear. “Daddy,” she murmurs. “Do you hate us?”

If his heart hadn’t been broken before, it is now. “No,” he says immediately. “No, baby, come here.” She runs into his arms, Bucky leaning down and scooping her up to place her on the bed between them. “I love you, sweetheart. So much. You and Mama are my best girls.”

Just then Zoya pulls out something of her sleeve, seemingly finding courage from his declaration. “Merry Christmas, Daddy.”

He takes her hand gently to find a small, delicate ornament. It’s shaped like a snowflake and Zoya says, “In case you weren’t home for Christmas on time. Mama says every snowflake is special and I wanted something special for you, just in case.” And then in Russian she says, “ _Schastlivogo Rozhdestva_.”

Bucky pulls his little girl closer and kisses her head, “Thank you, Zoya. _Schastlivogo Rozhdestva._ ” He’s trying not to cry he feels so stupid and bad and guilty and like he fucked everything up. Zoya had clearly thought he was never coming home and that’s a worry a five-year-old should never have to feel. Bucky looks at Y/N over her head, wondering what was going to happen. A tear slips down her cheek but she smiles at him.

She mouths, “I love you,” as Bucky pulls them both closer. He kisses her over Zoya’s head and feels Zoya relax. The little girl’s hands stop twitching, become still, the blue disappearing as she snuggles against her father’s side.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finals are over! And I hope you like this chapter! Thanks for reading and as always I would love to hear your thoughts. ❤️❤️❤️

Bucky keeps his arms around Zoya and Y/N for a long while.

The tiny, fragile snowflake ornament is carefully held in his grasp. He’s afraid that it’ll break in his hand, panic surging through his body to wrap around his lungs. It chokes him, the weight of guilt in his heart and smallness of the delicate ornament in his palm. Fragile, small things don’t belong in his hands.

He closes his eyes, tries to keep still and breathe deeply, tries to keep the anxiety down. _They’re safe. Everyone is safe. His family is okay_. But then Zoya pulls away and glances up at him, leaning her head back on her mother’s shoulder. “Daddy?” Her nervous hands reach out to cup his cheeks. Her fingers are warm and small and breakable and he’ll do anything to make sure harm never comes to her. “Daddy?”

“I’m okay, babydoll.” Bucky says gently, placing his flesh hand over one of hers.

“Do you like your present?” She asks, worriedly.

A small smile tugs at his lips, “’Course I do, Zoy.” He glances over her head at Y/N. Her smile is soft and he feels whatever fear he might have felt concerning his place in their family evaporate. He glances back into his daughter’s large blue eyes. “I’ll always keep it. I’ll put it on the tree later. But I need to talk to Mama about something important. Wanna go out and sit with Uncle Steve and Tony?”

Her bottom lip trembles dangerously, as tears pool in her eyes, “Are you gonna leave me again?”

His heart fragments further. “No. Never again. I had to take care of something with Uncle Steve. I was always coming back to you and Mama.”

“Promise?” Her hand not already covered by his taps against his cheek as little sprouts of blue energy start to dance between her fingers.

“I promise,” he says solemnly. “Nothing can keep me away from you and Mama.”

And somehow those words win him a smile. A smile he can’t help feel he doesn’t deserve. His daughter’s fingers go to his wrist to curl there as she pulls herself up and kisses him on the cheek. “ _YA lyublyu tebya, papa_.” She says happily. _I love you, papa_.

He says it back and then watches her bounce down from the bed and out the door, seemingly completely pacified. When she’s gone he reaches out and carefully sets down the snowflake on the bedside table.

Fear races through him as he lifts his eyes to meet Y/N’s. “I’m sorry,” he says again.

“I know you are,” she says gently. “I shouldn’t have left you hanging. I know how…important touch is for you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

He shakes his head and pulls Y/N close, resting his chin on top of her head. “I should have never said the things I did. Even if I was afraid. I didn’t believe it anyways.”

“I know. I wish you would have called.”

“And I’m sorry for that too.”

For a moment it’s silent and then Y/N lets out a terrible little sob. “Bucky what am I going to do?”

Bucky shifts so that he can slide one arm beneath her knees to drape her legs across his lap, cuddling Y/N close to his side. “We’re in this together, Y/N. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.” It feels like a dirty lie on his tongue, considering what he’d just done. “I’m here,” he says again, the words like chipped glass in his mouth. “Whatever you decide is okay, Y/N.”

“I don’t know what I want,” she says in a voice that’s almost as small as Zoya’s had been earlier.

Kissing her temple, he murmurs, “I know. But I’m here. I’ll help you.” One hand drifts down to her belly. He knows he shouldn’t do it, and another wave of guilt hits him almost immediately, but Y/N’s hand only comes up to cover his own. “Y/N,” he forces her chin up with his other hand so she’ll meet his eyes. “Nothing is as important as your health, your safety. Me and Zoya love you, we need you. I don’t know what I’d do…” he trails off and stops before taking a deep breath. He swallows thickly, trying to hold down his mounting panic. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Y/N’s fingers cup around his wrist, the metal cold beneath her touch. She pulls his hand away from her chin and kisses his palm. “I just don’t know. But its Christmas and we should be with our daughter and our family.”

“How far along are you?”

“Six to eight weeks.”

Bucky leans forward and captures her lips before he can stop himself. “I love you,” he says against her mouth. The only thing he wants is for Y/N to be okay. “I’m here.”

“Let’s go be with Zoya,” she says as she leans away and caresses his cheek. Bucky glances over her, the circles under her eyes, the exhaustion in her limbs, the slump of her shoulders. He opens his mouth to apologize again when she cuts him off. “Don’t do that. Don’t. I’m not mad, not really, not anymore. I understand why you left, I understand why you were mad. But you have to let me know that you’re safe. How would you feel if I just disappeared and refused to call?”

His blood runs cold. Because the one time Y/N had disappeared she had been taken from him. It’s a fear that’s never quite left him, that it could happen again, and he never wants Y/N to feel that way.

“Y’know,” she says slowly, “If you want to start going on missions again, that’s fine. You don’t have to always-,”

“I want to be here. But…Y/N, I had to. I had to make sure those bastards…were-that they…that’s our baby. That’s our girl and they-the things they wanted to use her for...she’s so tiny and good-,”

“I know,” she says. “I know, my lovely baby.” Her gaze bores into his, “But I’m just saying, if you wanna come out of retirement, that’s okay too.”

Bucky bites his lip, “I like who I am with you, Y/N. I don’t like who I am in the field.”

“And that’s okay too.” She kisses the corner of his mouth, “But I like all of you.”

 

~

 

After that they go back out to their living room. Bucky is more protective than usual of Y/N and jumps up to do anything and everything for her. No one really questions it. He’s always been like that and if it was more than usual then it was because he’d just gotten back from a mission.

The rest of the Avengers show up. Thor brings Zoya a tiny Asgardian cape that Y/N knows she’ll probably never be able to get off of her daughter. Zoya has always admired and marveled at Thor’s when he wore it and now she has one of her own.

Tony, of course, spares no expense. Zoya thinks that Tony is actually Santa, considering the things he could seemingly get her right out of thin air.

Natasha and Clint gift her a pair of ballet slippers. When Zoya had first shown interest in the sport both Bucky and Natasha had been horrified. Nat was the first one to get over it, deciding to make something good out of the bad memories associated with it.

Zoya is so overwhelmed with gifts that she gets upset when no one else seems to be getting any. Y/N smiles because really the little girl is overwhelmed with love by the people who surround her. She sits in Bucky’s lap and questions the others, her tiny hands holding onto her father’s flesh one tightly. “Don’t worry about us, baby,” he tells her softly. “You just keep unwrapping.”

Y/N can scarcely believe the good fortune. Everyone is getting along for once. Zoya giggles never stop. A weak smile tugs at Bucky’s lips when she knows he’s worried out of his mind. His worry and guilt are only confirmed further when Zoya keeps asking her father if he was okay.

By the time Zoya passes out and the team manages to find their way back through the snow to the cars parked out front, Y/N is exhausted.

Bucky carries Zoya to bed and carefully tucks her in, kissing her forehead before he takes Y/N’s hand and leads her back to the living room, which is absolutely trashed with wrapping paper and cardboard. “What’re we doing, Buck?”

“Our tradition,” he says, flicking lamps off as he leads her toward the couch. When the room is dark except for the fairy lights on the tree he lies back on the couch and pulls Y/N down on top of him. Her back is pressed to his chest as he reclines against the pillows. “Watch the snow.” They face their large picture window, snow peppering down softly.

She turns her head and kisses his cheek. “Precious. You’re always so precious.”

“I think Thor is trying to steal our kid.”

A giggle escapes her. “How?”

“Zoya dresses more like an Asgardian every day.”

“She does not.”

Bucky kisses her shoulder gently, “She has a cape now.”

“Well,” Y/N says seriously, “If she’s going to have a cape it better damn well be an Asgardian one.”

Repressing a laugh he says, “That’s true I guess.” Nuzzling against her he murmurs, “I’m glad I have you here with me Y/N.”

“You better never do that again,” she warns. “Just be honest with me about what you’re doing instead of pushing me away, and let me know you aren’t dead, that’s all I’m asking.” She sits up fully then and turns to meet his eyes. “I’m keeping this baby.”

He stares at her open mouthed for a few seconds before swallowing harshly and averting his eyes. “Baby…the complications you’re likely to have-,”

“I want to try,” she whispers, curling one hand behind his neck as she pulls him close and presses her forehead to his. “It’s a Christmas miracle that it’s happened at all.” She rubs her nose against his, “I want this.”

“Okay,” he says, his throat feels like a desert, his mouth aching from dryness. “But I’m never letting you out of my sight. I’m serious, Y/N,” he says when she laughs. “Zoya and I…we can’t lose you.”

“Chances of miscarriage fall sharply after 12 weeks, Buck-,”

He shakes his head, “That means we still have 4-6 weeks to get through. And then after that…I could still lose _you_. And you’re the only goddamn thing that’s ever made sense in my life and I need you to be okay. Zoya needs you to be okay. Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes,” she whispers, sobered. “Yes. I’m sure.”

A sudden smile breaks over his face, “I guess we’re having a baby then, doll.”

Y/N smiles back, “And you’re going to be completely overbearing aren’t you?”

“Yeah. I’m going to do everything to make it as easy as possible for you.” He reaches up and swipes his thumb under her eye as he cradles her jaw. “Insomnia already settling in?” Over all their time trying to have a baby before, Bucky had learned a lot about what to expect from a high-risk pregnancy.

She nods.

“Thought so.”

“I can’t sleep without you anymore anyways.” And then she kisses him full on the mouth, shocking Bucky more than a little. “We’re having a baby!” She squeals. “Zoya’s gonna have a sibling. This is supposed to be happy.”

He pulls her close, “It is. I am.”

Y/N presses her thumb to the crease between his brows. “And worried.”

“But I’m never not worried.”

“That’s true. But are you happy?”

He smiles carefully, “Cautiously happy, doll.”

She kisses him again, “That’s all I can ask for, Buck.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some fluff after those last two chapters. Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading! <3

The day after missions and the day after one of Stark’s parties are Bucky’s favorite sort of day. It means that Y/N will stay in bed with him all day. It means she’ll lie naked and giggle against his chest. It means happiness in the form of togetherness.

Bucky’s been awake for hours, having only slept a spare few. Instead he had held Y/N in his arms and stroked her naked back. The soft skin beneath his fingertips feels like a dream, it feels too good to be true.

He had watched the sunrise out Y/N’s window. The bed stands across the room from the window and Y/N’s gauzy, thin curtains have always served as a poor shield against the sun. The wild, golden light had spilled across the wooden floor, over the soft white bedsheets, and had finally slid like butter over Y/N’s smooth skin. The morning sun illuminates her in ways that it will never shine on Bucky. Her skin is unmarred and beautiful, the expanse of her back rising and falling with each light breath.

Her cheek is pillowed against his shoulder, and her hand rests against his chest, right over his heart. And somehow the beating of it makes sense. Why shouldn’t it beat, keep on pounding, with Y/N’s gentle touch to keep it going?

She stirs suddenly, after hours of still contentedness. It takes her a few minutes to fully wake, but when she does it’s with a smirk. “Last night,” she says without opening her eyes, “was so much fuckin’ fun.” Her lips press to his chest, “We should try it again. I didn’t know you could bend that way.”

Heat spreads to his cheeks almost immediately but Bucky only kisses the top of her head and chuckles. “Good morning to you too.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost nine.”

She groans and sticks her face into his neck, “Too early.”

“Aw, c’mon now doll. I’ve been awake for hours now just starin’ at your lovely face.”

“I’m sure that’s not all you’re been staring at.”

Bucky grins as she shifts her head back to his shoulder. She opens her eyes and gasps, gazing at the side of his face open mouthed. “Look at you…” she murmurs, reaching out to let her fingers graze his cheek. “Golden.”

“What?” He asks with a frown as Y/N pulls away and sits up. “What is it?”

She shakes her head, “Nothing. You just…look so pretty in the sun. Golden. Golden, lion boy. Look at your hair.” One hand reaches out to run through his short, slightly curled locks. Another smirk curls her lips, “From the moisture right? Your hair gets that nice little curl.”

He shakes his head. “You look lovely,” he murmurs, reaching out to her, hands falling to her hips. “You’re always so lovely. Let me make you breakfast. Hm?”

“What if I don’t want breakfast, sugar?” She says, eyes never leaving him. He reddens under her gaze again. “What if what I want is right here in front of me, golden lion boy?”

He shakes his head as he traces his fingers up her sides, dancing against her ribs, fluttering against her breasts to the delicate pulse in her neck. “My pretty girl. You’re all I want.”

“Not even breakfast?” She asks as she moves to straddle his lap.

Bucky laces their fingers together and holds their hands against her thighs. “No. All I need is you.”

“What about me?”

A wicked grin spreads over his face, “Wiggle those pretty hips up here and I’ll show you.”

She bursts out laughing, throwing her head back, exposing her long throat to him. “You would like that you, wouldn’t you?”

“Love it.”

Y/N moves their hands, pins his to the mattress on either side of his head, as she leans down to press her mouth to his. His tongue slips into her mouth to tangle with Y/N’s in a heated kiss. Pulling back from his lips with a wet smack, she releases his flesh hand to skim her fingers against his chest, his warm skin, the tiny freckles littered across his skin. “Golden,” she says again, squeezing his metal fingers. “You’re golden, like the sun.”

He clenches his fingers around the back of her hand, “Am I the sun or a lion?”

“Both,” Y/N says with conviction, leaning down to press her lips to his once more. “You have such pretty skin,” she murmurs against his lips.

“So do you,” he says. “I’ve never felt such soft skin.”

She grins. “Oh yeah? And where is it the softest? The prettiest?”

Bucky pretends to think as Y/N lightly strokes his hair again, his metal hand still gripping the other. “Your thighs.”

“Scoundrel. You just like my legs,” she says as his flesh hand pats one thigh. “Isn’t that right?” Y/N lets go of his metal hand to tangle hers in his hair, tugging his head back a little roughly.

He groans, “Yeah. But it’s still the truth.”

The next thing she knows she’s on her back, a huff of breath leaving her. “Hey!”

“Sorry, babydoll. I haveta take a look at those thighs of yours.” He says, shimmying down the bed before wrapping his arms around her thighs to keep her in place. He places a light kiss to the inside of her thigh. “See how lovely? How kissable?”

Y/N shushes him. “You don’t know what kissable is.”

“Oh really?” He murmurs, placing long, wet kisses up her right thigh to her knee. “Suppose you’re right. It’s not just your thighs, it’s your legs that are so kissable.” His tongue darts out to flick against her calf. “Maybe it’s all of you that’s so damn kissable.” Bucky switches to her left thigh, this time biting at her delicate skin and reveling in the small jump and squeak it produces. “Maybe I want a bruise here.” She feels his eyelashes against her skin, “I’ll be the only one who knows it’s there.”

“Who says you’re the only one lookin’ at my pretty legs, sugar?”

With a growl Bucky pulls himself up to capture her lips. “Who else is lookin’ at my girl then? I need names, baby.”

“Oh, that’s sensitive information-,” He cuts her off with another light kiss and a whine. “Stop being dramatic,” she laughs, “you know you’re the only one biting my legs.”

Kissing down her chest, he groans, “Better be.” When he gets to her hip he rests his head there and looks up at her with big eyes, “What’re you going to do today?”

She shrugs. “Stay here. Eat some food. Watch some TV. Hopefully fuck my boyfriend again.”

He chuckles and blushes. “Sounds like a good day.”

Y/N pats his hair carefully, lovingly. “It does, doesn’t it?” Her gaze softens just a little, “Come here.”

She rolls onto her side and looks into his eyes once he’s beside her. Not saying anything she runs her fingers against his jaw and then over his lips before her fingers feather through his hair. He closes his eyes when she tilts his head forward to press their foreheads together. Bucky’s hand goes to her elbows, thumbs stroking along her skin.

He finds they don’t need words.


End file.
